Should I cut ties? (This could be triggering)

[NV]

Hi there - I'm new so I hope I'm posting correctly. Also, I'm going to talk about violence so if this may trigger you please stop reading now ❤️

I'm wondering if anyone has any stories or experience with cutting ties or healing a relationship with an abusive parent?

My dad is a sexual abuse survivor and had issues with anger and substance abuse. Growing up was like walking through a minefield everyday until I was 17.

When I was 8 I watched him beat my mom so bad she told her friends that she was in a car crash and broke the windshield with her face, one of many violent events. He was very heavy handed with us also and degraded us too, call me fat and spat in my face as a teen. I once peed myself after playing a practical joke on him as kid - I just saw his face change.

I live on the other side of the world from my dad now and still have light contact but have never spoken about the past. I'm at a crossroads where I feel like I either break ties or face him about what actually happened... I'm basically at a stalemate just pretending like the past didn't happen.

[sanmagic7]

hi nv, and welcome.  so very glad you're here.

i'm afraid i can't tell you what to do specifically about contact/no contact with your dad.  some thoughts that came to mind are - would you be putting yourself in any sort of danger (physical, emotional, psychological, etc.) if you confronted him?  - what does your gut tell you?  - what would you hope to get out of a confrontation? - which way would benefit your life more?

my experience, and from what i've read, is that confrontation with an abuser is rarely satisfying.  often, their perspective of the past is very different from the way we've experienced it, and they usually can't be made to see it any differently.  they have their own built-in defense system, often deny, ignore, or diminish what went on.  did your dad take any responsibility for what happened with your mom?  it seems that he didn't, or she wouldn't have had to lie about it.

any time i've confronted someone for what happened, it blew up in my face, or i was ignored and never heard another word, like they simply refused to deal with it.  none of these people are in my life anymore by choice.   just my experience.  i do wish you the best with this dilemma.  it's a tough one.  sending you a hug filled with clarity and self-care.   

[BlancaLap]

I'm sorry you had that horrible experiences...
My advice is that you need to cut ties with him and only confront him when you're ready, ONLY. Good luck!

[Three Roses]

Hi there! 

Something I've done before is to write a letter that I have no intention of sending. Handwriting as opposed to typing seems to let me get my emotions down on paper more; typing seems to come from a more cautious place.

Glad you're here, thanks for joining!