How do others respond to you if they find out you were abused?

[serene]

I am worried that oftentimes people might see a previously abused individual as a punching bag. I have disclosed some information about abuse in my family to a past friend and she used that information to abuse me stating how "daddy used to abuse you". Just a crazed, malicious narcissist who is still to this day stalking me, trying to ruin my reputation and has even recently directly contacted me on Facebook (after 3 years of no contact). This crazed loon has contacted my husband trying to convince him that im a prostitute and how he should leave me. Outright demanding for him to leave me. Envy is the main reason she is doing all of this, as I have started a new life and changed my circumstances.
So I am now on high alert for narcissists at every turn and am beginning to be worried that my mother in law might be one. My husband had previously disclosed to her that I have been abused by my dad. She has tried to gauge me in conversation about my family but I said nothing. She has also been very focused on my overall appearance and being too curious and probing about a facial birthmark that I have. Its common sense that its impolite to ask too many questions about a defect. The last time I saw her, she motioned to a baby chair that she had, basically hinting that I should have kids. When I turned my back to her and told her to go tell her daughter instead, she commented "When God gives children, he will also give love for the children". Umm... maybe God will also give postpartum depression or even postpartum psychosis. This nut job is trying to run my life now. I feel that she does not have a sense of healthy boundaries and I am going to go no contact. I just get a bad vibe overall, that she is a gossip and an empty headed woman.
My main concern is to protect myself. I am sick of being open and getting hurt for no good reason. I don't owe anyone my attention and I am not going to hand them their narcissistic supply. Which is exactly what I think they see me as. An injured, unfortunate woman who is an easy target. I know that narcissists are drawn to emotionally weak individuals and my past might signal to her that I am a prime target. Not sure how she will deal with me fully avoiding her. I guess time will tell.
Anyone have experience with such individuals? How do people normally react if they find out about your past?

[Candid]

TBH I only talk about child abuse to people who have suffered child abuse and acknowledge it.  Most people don't. The Motherhood Myth is too strong.  You know the myth: All mothers love their children.  Long before I found out I had CPTSD I'd been muttering: "If that's love, the word has no meaning."  Fortunately I've since come to know what being loved feels like.

I'm so sorry to hear your former friend is stalking you.  Don't get me started on the evils of Facebook. If it's any comfort, her life must be pretty awful for her to be obsessed with you three years after NC.  In your shoes I would be collecting evidence; depending on the laws in your country, you may be able to take legal action.

As to MIL, your uterus and your life choices are none of her business.   

[Libby12]

Hi serene.

I think that candid is right - it's best to only discuss child abuse with people who share the same experience.  However,  I have found that I sometimes drop a small reference to it into conversation,  when it seems relevant.   Just yesterday, I was talking to someone I was acquainted with years ago whilst walking our dogs.  It was about her job and I mentioned mental health issues which led to us talking a lot about our own problems with our parents.  It was, I believe,  really helpful for both of us.  I also have another dog walking friend,  who made an initial comment to me, and we have talked a lot about our pasts since then.  I think it's about judging the situation very carefully,  not giving too much information and only sharing with those who really get it.

I really wanted to respond to you about your Mil.  She reminds me of my nm.  When I first met my dh, she absolutely slated every aspect of his appearance to me.  It was all said in the most calm and reasonable way, as if it was the most socially acceptable and normal way to behave when you meet your daughter 's first boyfriend. After that,  she ramped up her bad behaviour towards him whilst pushing us into marriage.  Odd!  After marriage to this person she thought so poorly of, she pushed us into having children,  who she claimed to be sooo devoted to,  but with whom she generally just found fault with.   After all, she didn't like me or my dh, so why would she like our children.

Everyone's situation is different,  and I would not tell someone that NC is the best choice,  but I wish I had read all the signs of her disorder sooner.   It would have saved so many years of pain for all of my FOC.   My h and I have been married for 25 years and are very close to our three grown-up children.   We are all NC with my dysfunctional parents for over five years.   Their choice really,  but best for us as well.

I wish you all the best in handling this situation.   You sound as if you have good perspective on her.

Stay strong.

Libby.

[sinthia820]

TRIGGER WARNING!
I have had different responses when I mention my abuse (usually only in the most vaguest of terms)

I had a almost best friend who was extremely critical of my broken brother and the fact that I enabled him and his vice. (drinking and drugs) I got so fed up with her criticism and trying to explain the situation without bringing up his past was not working. I exploded one day and went off on her. I held nothing back and described in horrible detail the things he experienced as a child. She tried to cut me off several times, trying to get me to stop telling her things. When I finally lost my steam and was able to pull back and stop the steady flow of increasingly horrible stories she flat out with the most serious I've ever seen her face, with obvious anger in her eyes and voice told me that she never wanted to hear about any of that ever again and that what I was saying was terrible and discusting and she didn't want to hear about it. (she's in the medical field so not naive) when I told her that I had similar stories. She again said that she didn't want to hear anything about it.... She was no longer my almost best friend, at this point she became nothing more than a casual acquaintance that I worked with.

Everyone responds differently.

I had a casual friend who mentioned in passing that she was happy that 'made for tv lifetime stories' were just made up, and that it would be terrible if things like that really happened. I asked her if she was serious... she was 22. She truly thought things like that were just stories made up like super heros and ghosts living on pirate ships and alien invasions.

I had a complete stranger (customer service rep) who I approached in order to schedule an appointment tell me that he knew that I was a victim and that it was very obvious and that he could see it the moment I walked in the room.

I used to struggle with getting along with the people I worked with, them assuming my hyper vigilance, miss trust and anti social behaviors were because I was a stuck up &witch. After explaining to a couple that I had PTSD from childhood abuse and those behaviors helped me from experiencing flash backs they all performed a 360. Went from plotting to get me fired and intentionally doing everything they could to be mean and rude to totally acting as if everything was normal (and that they hadn't been bullying me) and tried to be overly nice to me.

Come to think on it I've never had someone try and use my past to try and hurt me (not counting male predators who could see that I was easy pray) I just realized, maybe your old friend and your mother in law are female predators, praying on you for a different reason, but praying on you none the less. I'm happy you have your husband as a protector! Use your safe relationships to build security for yourself so that predators will find it harder to pray on you!!!!

[sanmagic7]

i do believe narcs and other predators look for people they believe would be vulnerable enough to take advantage of.  it doesn't take much to show such vulnerability, and they will often test it to see if boundaries will be set and adhered to.   often they will see someone who is caring, gentle, and 'nice' as a potential victim.

we can be all those things and still have strong boundaries.   we can be all those things and not be victims.   the predators  will move on to someone else if they see your strength re: your own self and what's ok/not ok for you. 

all the narcs in my life took advantage of me in just that way.  not because i'd told them i'd been abused (i didn't know it at the time), but because i didn't have a strong sense of self.  these things show without words. 

would setting boundaries with your mil, after talking to her be of any help to you?  she may be one of those careless people who don't realize what they're doing.  on the other hand, if your gut is telling you this is a dangerous situation, i'd go with that.  have you told your hub about your plans? 

i don't blame you one bit for having your narc radar on high alert  mine is now, too.  very sorry about that facebook situation.  i'm not on fb myself - don't feel like being that open.   

wishing you the best with all this.  know that you're not alone - we're facing these demons together.  big hug to you.