Maternal Figures? *TW* (passing away)

[LittleBird]

If you had/have a nm, did you find a nurturing, warm figure elsewhere?

[Dee]

I never had one.  It sounds like a beautiful thing.

[Three Roses]

At the direction of another book i read many years ago (Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Stephen Farmer), I created an internal mother. you can choose any one to make into an internal mother or father, but for the image I chose my actual mother, and how she would have been if she'd not had any damage in her own life. The book is from 1990 but it's still relevant and useful. https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884  There are used copies for as little as just over $1.

[Blueberry]

I think my M might have been BPD, Witch type rather than NPD. But pretty messed up and not able to parent well anyway. There were other women in my life when I was growing up who were willing/able to give me some of what I was missing. But they weren't always that healthy either. That's the downside. e.g. maternal GM might even have been NPD herself, but I didn't suffer under her the way my M did. The whole family dynamic did though. My other GM tried to help me a lot e.g. to believe in myself, but I was too far gone by the time she tried for it to help much.

Also both she and a great-aunt who helped me later when I was a young adult were both of the opinion that they knew when my problems were over and that I was to forget about them, get over them, 'throw them out' and get on with life. Well, they were just plain wrong. But it took me a long time to really believe that my own opinion held more sway in that regard. So I went from over-dependence on parents to over-dependence on other family members without learning about my own opinions and learning to trust them. If that makes sense. Maybe I wouldn't have survived at all without these three women in my life, but it wasn't exactly perfect either.
I feel as if I'm babbling a bit or not writing quite on topic.

[Candid]

If you had/have a nm, did you find a nurturing, warm figure elsewhere?

As an adult I spontaneously found three. They were all very different women.

At 23 I found number one.  I still had LC with my mother.  Number one was a deeply spiritual person -- she'd had a NDE before we met -- AND I once showed up to her place to find her naked on the floor with a whisky bottle at her side, headphones on and singing dreadfully.  What can I say? She was brilliant.  Why?  Because she loved me.  She told it like it was, brilliant feedback, but the hardest things didn't feel like criticism.  Lots of hugs.  She was my mother's age. She told me she considered me her daughter.

At 30 I moved in next door to number two.  I'd moved as far from FOO as I could without actually leaving the country but still had phone and mail contacts, and visited their town in my holidays.  Number two had a blind spot about me.  I could do no wrong.  She was my biggest fan.   What can I say? She was brilliant.  Why?  Because she loved me. Hugs whenever something went wrong for me. She had about a full decade on my mother. She told me she considered me her daughter.

At 41 I met number three.  Technically I was NC with mother as well as on the other side of the world.  She stopped me on the street because I was carrying a box, to enquire whether I knew anything about her missing tortoises.  In the box I had a tortoise I'd just bought -- from a pet shop, not some rogue in a pub.  Her tortoises had been stolen and she knew it.  I was editor of the local paper so the story + photo of said tortoises made the front page.   They were never recovered, but number three and I remained friends due to common interest.  She had no children and wasn't the hugging type.  She was so earnest she was funny. Neither she nor I would ever have said "I love you", but it was there anyway.  She too was older than my mother.

Two and three are both dead but still loved and talked to, in my head.  Regrettably, number one and I lost contact when I was 58, ie. 35 years after we met.   We were both in bad shape at the time and we both changed addresses.  Because of the way she was, I believe she would have found me if she was still alive.  As it is, I expect her to appear to me when the time is right.

Thank you, Sunrise, for this question.