Worried about relationships

[Libby12]

Hi there.

I have finally arrived at the realisation that the issue of dealing with other people is one of my biggest problems at the moment.  Not with my husband and children but pretty much everybody else.

I don't work,  have no friends (just superficial chats with a couple of neighbours and fellow dog walkers).  Standing up to my nm over my lifetime of emotional (and childhood physical) abuse led to complete ST from my foo five years ago.  And actually,  I am generally OK with this.

The problem is with my in-laws, who I sort of feel obliged to have some sort of relationship with.   I feel very confused.   I have never felt particularly close to them,  but worry that that is my fault,  because I was so screwed up by my mother. I have apologised to my Mil for being difficult to get along with in the early days. They have done a lot of other things that I have found hurtful.   Fil refused to come to our
marriage ; they were never very interested in our children ; they have only visited a handful of times in  our 25 years of marriage,  and then only Mil.  We drive three hours there and back regularly to visit them.   In fact, none of the extended family ever visit us.  We have always accepted this is how things are.   What hurts me, however,  is that I have never received any emotional support from them.   They have refused to listen to anything about the situation with my parents and when I am depressed and in pain,  they don't want to know.   They just brush everything aside.   When I was struggling with three children under three, my twins both having special needs ( which turned out to be autism and learning and language difficulties and all diagnosed by professionals)  Mil would always completely invalidate me, saying there was nothing wrong with the boys and that she knew other people who had it worse. 

They have treated us quite badly recently and it has triggered me really badly,  especially as the situation involves a sil who I am sure is pd as she is so like my mother.   I just want to  avoid interacting with them but feel guilty. I genuinely worry that it is all my fault that we never developed any bond, because I was such a mess. But then again,  I feel that Mil could have made an effort to understand me and my situation.   

Does anyone have any advice about to navigate relationships which are unsatisfactory and cause anxiety but where there is guilt around what part our c-ptsd symptoms are playing in the relationship. I want to isolate as usual but feel so much guilt.

I hope this makes some degree of sense.   Any thoughts,  however rambling,  would be gratefully received.

Thank you.

Libby

[Three Roses]

I have a SIL who runs hot and then cold. I'm the second wife, and she maintained her close friendship with wife 1 after my husband was remarried to me. When that relationship isn't what she wants, she then will contact me and want to be close. Currently she is distant, even blocking me on Facebook for some reason. She has treated me disrespectfully in front of others in the past.

I'm to the age now that I don't feel I *must* have a relationship with anyone that I'm uncomfortable with. Aside from being civil to them, I don't have any desire to be understood by or close to them. That is my solution to the problem. It has worked for me. Hope this helps!

[Dee]

My therapist had me read the book "The Dance of Intimacy."  It discusses a lot of what you are writing.  Especially relationships with in-laws.  It talks about triangulating in relationships as well.

I don't have great advice, but I did learn a lot from that book.  I probably need to read it again.  It helped me learn what I can expect in relationships and what my role was.  It even discusses how to repair them.

[sanmagic7]

hey, libby,

from what you wrote, it sounds like you have little to feel guilty about.  you recognized your part and apologized, and have made efforts to have a bond with these people.  that seems to me that you've reached out, but it hasn't been reciprocated.  at this point, it sounds like the rift is on them.

at this point in my life, i have little tolerance for people who are unkind to me.   i don't deserve to be treated badly, no matter what.   have you talked to your h about this?  what would happen if the two of you weren't making all the effort all the time?  that might give you some insight into what kind of relationship is really going on here.

best to you with this.  i hope you get some satisfactory resolution, and soon.  it doesn't sound like a good place to be, to my mind.     

[Libby12]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Compared to what others on this site are coping with,  this situation is just a minor problem.   I think I am just obsessing about it, because it is one of the few areas I have any dealings with people,  other than my h and children.

I have thought about situation a lot.  I never wanted or expected my in-laws to replace my dysfunctional family,  but it would have been nice to have been part of a warm family.   I can see now that that was never an option.   They are not warm people. My h has very little connection to them, and they encouraged that.   For them,  once their children were adults,  they were on their own.   Consequently,  my h doesn't feel he owes them a great deal and he says that that is how they see the relationship as well. It's just so opposite to the unhealthy control and enmeshment of my foo that I find it hard to get my head around.   Both sets of parents are so different but the end results are the same.   We, myself,  husband and children aren't important as individuals to either set of them.

My h agrees that my mental state probably means I read more into things than I should.   I am starting to see that he is right, especially with regards to Mil. It is good not to let other peoples' moods and feelings affect you too much.   I know I do this because I was trained by my nm to take on her every thought and feeling.  I think,  however, that Mil is at the other end of the scale.  She never takes on board anything that other people think or feel.   When I apologised years ago for my bad behaviour and tried to explain a bit of my history,  she dismissed me.  I thought initially that it was a sort of forgiveness but actually I see now that it was more that she hadn't really registered it because it didn't bother her. 

Reading your replies,  thinking about things and talking to my h has led me to decide that I will just follow my h's lead.  They are his parents and I have suffered enough from my own.  I will not make the extra effort that I have made in the past.  I shall concentrate my efforts on being a good parent myself. 

It helps so much to write down my thoughts here. 

Thanks for the book recommendation,  Dee.   It sounds just what I need, but very interesting in its own right.

Sanmagic and Three Roses, thank you for pointing out that I don't have to accept poor treatment,  just because I am worried that the problem is me alone.   Sil will be treated politely,  should our paths cross,  but that's it.  Funny though, that Sil is the one person Mil tries to placate whilst being so little bothered by anyone elses feelings.  I need a theory that explains that.

Sorry for such a long,  boring post to anyone who has read this far.   I just want you to know that reading and posting here helps me so much to get my thoughts in order so that I can move on.

Libby

[Three Roses]

Funny though, that Sil is the one person Mil tries to placate whilst being so little bothered by anyone elses feelings.  I need a theory that explains that. 

Here's just a guess - do mil and sil share the same birth order in their FOO's? It could be mil trying to work out her own childhood issues. As I said, just a guess.