Just joined don't know where I belong

[Andyman73]

Hi,
Don't have a clue, if I did, it's been long forgotten by now. Don't know if I belong here or on the child side.  Can't write anything else right now...I'm sorry

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I'm so glad you're here.

I saw on another thread you're in the path of Hurricane Harvey, and I hope you are out of harm's way.

It's up to you where you want to begin posting, the categories were birthed from people who developed CPTSD in adulthood asking to have a place where they felt comfortable.

Since coming here I've learned I'm not alone and that others have the same challenges as I do. I always thought I was the only one, but here I feel validated, and I share a language with others like me for the first time. I hope you have the same experience. Thanks for joining!

[Andyman73]

Thank you Three Roses. I guess my main question is that while I was only 20 when I first recognized ptsd symptoms in myself, which drove me to attempt the "worst thing ever" 7 times over a short 2 year span...my suppressed memories began coming back this year. And they have revealed a childhood that would curl the toes of most readers. I exhibit or experience about 95% of all the things on the cptsd checklist. Not sure dissociating was on that list or lost/missing time either. What makes it the qualifier, when events happened or when the symptoms present them selves? Thank you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there Andyman73. I don't really have much experience with C-PTSD, I'm still new to it myself so I can't answer your questions unfortunately.
But it's nice to meet you and I'm glad you found this forum. ^-^ I'm sure you will find the answers you're looking for.

[Three Roses]

What makes it the qualifier, when events happened or when the symptoms present them selves?

That's an individual decision I think, but for me it makes the most sense to look back to the very start of things - which was my experiences in childhood. Those experiences were what formed me and influenced my future decisions and behavior which led to more abuse.

I hope you keep posting and reading, and asking questions along the way. There are so many understanding people here and many helpful tools to pick up and put in your own toolbox.

[Andyman73]

Thank you AA(that is quite the awesome name and I am not about to even try saying or spelling!) At this point I am open to any response, my personal stance is that everybody can contribute something.

[Andyman73]

3 Roses,
Okay, so...if I wasn't quite 3 years old when I was csa/r, multiple times by grown man and in an unrelated separate csa/r by a teen boy...even more times. In addition to symbolized abandonment in the case of grown man...because it was over 4 nights at his house while my parents were out of town for medical emergency.  Then age 4, got a lesson in RA/MC and cults by a 7 year old rescued survivor...which I understand to be known as transferred RA...and age 5 csa by teen boy..with sole intent to cause grievous harm, which triggered my mom, who then CPA me for 6 years, 4-5 times a week, where also my dad did some only a few times a month through out the same 6 year period. There were more throughout the rest of my childhood. Would like to note that around age 6 mom gave me a concussion that took 2 weeks for all the obvious symptoms to clear up. However I began experiencing ADD like symptoms soon there after....which continue to this day.

Would this qualify me then for the child side?

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you went thru all that! Yes, you've described experiences that could definitely result in the onset of CPTSD.

If you're feeling up to it, you could check out a book called "The Body Keeps The Score" - it's about what trauma does to our physical brain, not just our mind, and goes into different therapies that can be used to reduce our symptoms. It's well written, engaging and easy to read - I couldn't put it down. I found it validating. One of the things the author says is that ADD symptoms can be very similar to symptoms of CPTSD in children.

Don't worry too much about posting in the "right" place, childhood or adult onset. I'm glad you're here and talking.

[Andyman73]

That was just a 75% of what I went through during those first 11 years of my life. And my teen years were only a little better.

[JamesG]

Welcome Andyman

Well, that's no small amount of life you are describing there, dreadful and totally beyond disgusting to have put you through that. The good news is that you are reaching out and beginning the process of recovery by making yourself heard. You are doing the right thing to begin this tough and brave journey, but you are not alone, and the symptoms you are feeling have been looked at and people have done much work to find ways of recovery for you. Start by giving yourself the freedom to feel things free of shame or guilt, none of it was your fault and what you feel now is a natural response to the trauma. NATURAL. That's the mantra really, Not your fault, a natural response, not alone. Tell your story in here as much as you need to, we understand and we are on your side. All power to you hombre.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi your experience sounds very much cptsd, I think we all have horror stories of our lives on here. As a child I was never diagnosed as add but I know I have traits of it, at school I was the classroom clown and would do anything to get attention which I never had from my parents they were alcoholics and I was left to look after myself so going to school and acting the 'idiot' was my release, I learnt nothing at school but how to be funny and get the attention I was so lacking. As an adult now I still have add 'moments' when my behaviour seems really erratic but it's normally when the intrusive thoughts come in that I can't cope with and again it is a 'release' for me.

[Andyman73]

Thank you JamesG. I appreciate the welcome. I do understand it's not my fault. And I know I'm not guilty. And that's it, that's all I know.  And I can't talk about how I feel. I have no control over that.  Well, not entirely true, I am allowed to tell how I feel about certain topics , otherwise I'm not. Don't know if it's selective mutism or what.

Eyessoblue, thank you for visiting. I think my ADD type symptoms showed up in either 1st or 2nd grade...can't remember, just that it was very soon after that TBI concussion mom gave me. I was the one who either spaced out, and stared out the window all the time, or talked too much in class. Not really disruptive mind you, just enough to get called on it, every single day in class....all through my school years. By high school I was able to get a handle on the taking part, but the resulting tradeoff was more window staring. My grades didn't suffer, so there wasn't any real concern. But 3 things stick out in my mind. 1) my free time art/coloring pictures were always gruesome death scenes like Military war zone stuff. 2) I struggle with math word problems and general problem solving exercises. And 3) I could never understand English Literature class. Teacher was always asking what we thought the writer meant when sayin this or that. Seems I was the only student in my class that struggled with that.

Now I never took any college tests like SATs or whatever. I did take the one for the U.S. Military...the ASVAB.  Which is an aptitude test. Get this...I scored so high that the Navy tried really hard to get me to enlist as a Nuclear Submarine engineer, as a Nuclear energy engineer or something like that.  But I stayed far from that! No tin can underwater for me! Or complex math either!
I still have these zoned out moments all the time.

[Candid]

Andyman your thread title is very telling, to me.

I was born into a family where I could never have belonged, no matter what I did.  First day at school I actually ran out of the building.  Being shown around a new workplace I'd be thinking: okay, this is what you are all doing, but what am I doing here?   At the same time I knew I couldn't actually say that, but must do whatever it took to fit in and be like Them... IOW, anyone but me.

Being a perpetual outsider has kept me on the run all my life.  OOTS has shown me what acceptance and stability feel like, and that's spilling over into RL.

I can identify with having your artwork turn out "gruesome".  I'm a writer, have had a few things published, but the majority of my stuff turns 'dark' very quickly, no matter how I set out.  Tennessee Williams was quoted as saying no one can write (fiction) about an experience they haven't had.  I don't think he meant it literally, but that my emotional journey shows in my stories.  Trauma demands to be expressed. 

Teacher was always asking what we thought the writer meant when sayin this or that. Seems I was the only student in my class that struggled with that.

My H struggles with that, too.  He takes things literally.  In his case, it's aspergers syndrome, and his inability to 'read' me is an issue we're still working on. 

You could start by posting in Welcome to OOTS, http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=10.0, and take it from there.