Hi not just me then

[Sparkle2709]

Hi, like others have said if I don't say hello now I probably never will.
So I've realised in the past month that I have PTSD (Yeah CPTSD). I knew I had had a terrible time psychologically as a teen
TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM, ABUSE



I was deeply depressed, anorexic and attempted to end my life three times before I was 16. I also knew I had flashbacks which started at 15 of previous early sexual abuse (though I chose to ignore them and just deny them away). However I slowly healed and regarded myself as pretty well adjusted now all things considered.
Oops.
In fact the trauma didn't stop there, my mother was and continues to be a narcissist (i have distanced myself), I experienced rape, domestic violence and a damaging relationship with a narcissistic psychopath, in fact I always chose emotionally unavailable partners. My life has been intensely stressful since the age of about 5. I have had a few years less stress recently as I cut out relationships altogether...i figured I really didn't need to be hurt any more. Still I felt I had dealt pretty well with these things...spoiler I didn't I just put my head down and kept going.
I'm 41 now and apparently life has decided I'm strong enough to finally deal with the last of my s*. Oh boy. So suddenly in six months countless reasons popped up to call me back to/remind me of the town I grew up in and then I now realise ran as far from as I could. Back came the flashbacks...just terror pure terror. I am also getting emotional, normally I just don't do emotions. Stopped eating, and tuned out of life for a good 6 weeks. I mean I do the basics, feed kids walk the dog. But I just woke up 48 hours ago and realised the last 6 weeks had passed me by. I also realise i need to not do this, there are things i want to achieve and i cant afford to keep tuning out.
So thank you for this site, I think this is the first time in my life I have not felt alone. I am actually in a good place even if it doesn't sound like it. Im ready, im strong enough. Though i distance myself from others, i dont self criticise, which is nice. Slowly facing the emotional flashbacks and allowing myself to feel is though painful a positive step. Had a breakthrough the other day...i was in full terror mode and allowed myself to go back and connect with that child. Then I realised, yeah that little girl was terrified however she was also really strong, really stubborn she didn't give up...she survived. That's who I am and I will survive this too, actually I will fight, I will fight to find the life I want.

[Hope66]

Hi Sparkle,

Welcome to the forum, and I am really glad you said 'Hi' - as I know what a big step it can be to do the first post - and you did it - and I think it's great that you have been able to recognise the strength you've got inside yourself, that has helped you through all the traumatic things that have happened in your life - you've been through a lot.  People here will be able to relate, myself included - and it's good to hear that you no longer feel alone - this community is amazing, and I'm glad you are here too.

I really like your name. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  Welcome on here, Sparkle! Yeah, agree with Hope, yours is a great name, an inspiring name! 

No, it's not just you      Idk how many of us there are here, but quite a lot. I find this a very supportive forum, with lots of good information, but also validation and caring. I hope you find it that way too.

[Dee]

I can totally relate.  Not the same, but similar.  I'm 44 and have struggled with many of the same issues (maybe all).  I still struggle with anorexia.  I spent 16 years overseas running.  The thing is, it always comes back.

I think you will find you are not alone.  There are people you can relate to and some of us who can relate to you.

Welcome!

[Sparkle2709]

Thanks...that doesn't cover it really. Thank you from my whole being, for replying, for reading, for setting up this site and being here. That's the first time I've ever told anyone what happened, the first time I've ever shared this. And being able to do so really really mattered.
Thank you

[Dee]

 

[Noel]

Welcome!   I would like to say that you are right!  It isn't you - it was always them - the sick abusers.   I wish you luck.  I have been fighting this since 6 years old, when, somewhere in my mind I knew that my parents were crazy.  I actually remember saying that to myself.  I also remember telling myself to stay away from both of them.  And, still, at 70 years old I am fighting again. But I would rather fight than give up.