What can I do about my excessive guilt?

[DecimalRocket]

I noticed something.

I'm pretty sure I have strong trust issues with being overly suspicious. But I strangely have more ease trusting other people here to be kind than I have more ease in trusting that I'd be kind to people here. I avoid replying to other's threads more than my own because I sometimes think I'm some kind of monster.

I think it has to do with how my mom has treated me.

Trigger Warning *** Emotional abuse

Whenever I noticed she did something wrong, she would defend herself or deny it ever happened. Then she'd blame it all on me. She'd talk about how she has been such a martyr to me — always caring for me yet I being so ungrateful. So I learned to supress my anger all these years, blame things all on myself and view myself as a burden when I ask for help.

Not that I was a perfectly good kid — but hey, I was a kid. Some of her ways of "discipline" went too far. And often resorted to raging, shaming, or pulling my body to angrily force me to do things without explaining enough why. I had a long period in my life where all the supressed rage at her after years surfaced and everyday in my house had a shouting match — with some even leading to physical violence. I don't have this problem today — but I still blame myself for not being patient enough. I'd read and write about anger management everyday back then and I'd always blame myself for not adjusting enough for her. 

Trigger warning end***

The worst thing about it is that I couldn't predict when I did something wrong and so I just assumed that what I said or did was always wrong.

I can't comment on other's threads here without assuming I said something wrong to hurt others. I can't comment on this thread without assuming I said or did something cruel.

What can I do?

[Three Roses]

This really sounds to me like it's your inner critic/outer critic working overtime.

A flashback-inducing critic is typically spawned in a danger-laden childhood home. When parents do not provide safe enough bonding and attachment, the child flounders in abandonment fear and depression. Many children appear to be hard-wired to adapt to this endangering abandonment with perfectionism. This is true for both the passive abandonment of neglect and the active abandonment of abuse.

More on this: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

[sanmagic7]

hey, d.r.,  of all the posts of yours i've read, i've never seen anything that seemed cruel, mean, or with an intent to hurt someone.  you've always seemed respectful and careful of the feelings of others. 

i believe you have a good heart, but your trust in it has been buried by a voice that was louder and bigger than your own.  i think that in time, as you continue in recovery, you'll discover your own specialness.  you've just given all of us a glimpse of it already.

i hope you can be kind to yourself, as kind as you are to others.  sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok. 

[LittleBird]

I feel this too.

Had a lot of anger come up lately. I can't project it, so it stores up. I've been coming out quite numb and detached but lots of physical pain just from holding it in. When I speak here, it's nearly always detached. It's all I can cope with for now. I'm drawing and writing my thoughts down. It helps. It doesn't have to be published or projected or shared - for now it is helpful just to express it on paper.

Your trust has been broken. It's an awful thing to be deprived of. It sounds like the "right and wrong" that you were taught was on an entirely skewed bias. It's so difficult to learn this as an adult. There is unlearning and new learning to do.

Cruel is something that happened to us. I don't know you, but I don't think monsters exist. Social barriers are isolating. Keep chipping away at that wall because you are welcome here and it's good to talk. If you need to make an angry post, abide by the rules and maybe put a trigger warning.

[BlancaLap]

Well, I think the best way to cope with guilt is understanding it is a defense mechanism to make you feel more "secure". Because, if it is your fault, it means you have done something that provoked that situation or response in your mother, that means you can change your behaviour and with changing your behaviour you can change your mothers response. The thruth is your behaviour had nothing to do with your mother's responses. You CAN'T control your mother behaviour, because she is a human being, and as a human being she has free will. It is true that depending on the others' actions your responses varies, but that's only when you're OK. That means your responses are propirtional and rational. When your responses are't proportional and rational, it means your response isn't regulated by the others' actions, but rather by your own inner demons. Your mother's behaviour was regulated by her own inner demons rather by your actions. It wasn't your fault. But you have to let go to your feeling of security, because when you really let go of the feeling of toxic guilt, you feel more in danger! Because that means you can't control others' actions. It is hard to let go of toxic guilt because of that. Because it is a defense mechanism, bacuase even if you don't like it, it helps you in some way, it makes you feel less in danger. You have to learn how to let go. Good luck.