Unconditional Love

[sigiriuk]

Dear all
I think I have difficulty feeling/accepting unconditional Love from another. (There is good research to show that it exists in many Species).

It might be that all cPTSD sufferers also have this difficulty. It wouldn't be a surprise.
Thoughts?
Slim

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think I do feel this way as well. Mainly the feeling part.

In my experiences, I've been able to just... stop loving someone if I found their behaviour unacceptable. It seems like I don't know what "true love" is, that I'm missing out on something. Not in a negative way though, I'm quite fine with not feeling unconditional love lol.
I'd be interested to hear what others have to say about this topic.

[unklekrappy]

I have the same problem...I think it stems from my fear of not being good enough for anyone to want to give it. 

[Three Roses]

I feel pretty capable of giving unconditionally, but it is a completely foreign idea to me that others have steadfast emotions for me. I feel like their love for me is completely dependant on my behavior, which is pretty self-centered when I think about it. How powerful do I think I am?

[Quiet]

I feel very uncomfortable receiving love.  Sometimes I feel a deep well of rage when someone expresses love or deep feelings of affection.  Maybe it's because I don't like others to include me in their life, or maybe that's just anger at someone for making me feel emotions.

DW told me once that I was being selfish by expressing love, but not allowing her to express it back.  I'd never thought of it that way before, and I try harder to accept, but it's still very hard.

[caseyjobs]

Yea, same for me.  Way easier to give than receive.  If someone's giving me unconditional love, they're automatically suspect...by default....been learning to give in slowly...

[ah]

Uhm, may I ask, what's unconditional love?
For that matter, what's love? I can give a definition of the word, but it means nothing to me. There's no emotion behind it. Just total emptiness, like scorched land. I can't bring up any emotion, except maybe self hatred.

When people use it, the closest I can come to understanding what they're saying is "Oh, it's that thing that others are worthy of and I'm unworthy of. That's why it means a lot to them and nothing to me." I know what being used feels like, so I can sort of understand being loved is the same as being used, just less violently and with a win-win agenda. Mutually using each other? I bet that's not love, but it's the best I can do.

Not trying to be funny, really clueless. I'd love (no pun intended) some pointers. What does it feel like to you to be loved?

[sigiriuk]

Dear Ah
I recognise this this completely. I lived like this for many years and you are not alone in feeling puzzled.
Slim

[Lingurine]

Hi Slim, for me, love doesn’t hurt. So, when I love someone, and it hurts, it’s not love, but more of a trauma bond. Then I know I have to move myself away from that person.
When I love someone and it doesn’t hurt, it is a feeling of the moment. I just treasure that moment and carry this person in my heart because of that moment.

Lingurine

[sigiriuk]

Hi All
So we are all in the same boat then....we are all VERY alone...because none of us  feel comfortable about receiving unconditional love.
So we all live without this important type of love.
Sometimes, its because we don't know what it is, we don't feel good enough, we are blind to it, we feel uncomfortable with the idea of it being unconditional, we reject it, it'll turn sour and so on.

I would like to feel loved unreservedly. Regardless of whatever I do or say, how well I say it, how many spelling mistakes I make, how poorly thought out my ideas are, how fat I am, how thin I am, etc

Not too much to ask.

Slim

[ah]

Hi Slim,

Totally.
But...

1. Of course Slim deserves unconditional love, and so does every other person. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's your birthright.
2. Not for me, though. After being rejected so many times I've lost count, I'd be pathetic to ask for it. If it's for me, it isn't just too much to ask, it's totally out of the question.

Oops.

[sigiriuk]

Unconditional love is the absence of judgment.
Many of us grew up in dysfunctional families. Personally, I did not know love. I knew unconditional hatred.
And because I did not understand or feel love towards me, I did not have self-belief.
And I still don't
Slim

[ah]

Unconditional hatred! That's it! Exactly, that's a perfect description of what it feels like to me too. It's what we were fed till we internalized it.

I don't know how to receive love, I can't imagine being lovable, but nothing would make me happier than giving it to you. So here's a lot of love from me to you, without you ever having to do anything or be anything to deserve it. Just because you're here, that's enough of a reason.

(Please don't ask me to imagine doing it for myself though. C.a.n.'t....t.o.o.....h.a.r.d     )