The abuse is not a lie. The Cake is.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh, dear, heaven above, yes, 100% yes. It's the most frustrating freaking thing. Views switching back and forth all the time, views of people, of things.
I think it's just a part of the way our mind fragments itself over the course of our childhood. Everything is broken inside and we have to slowly pick the pieces up and put them back together. Though easier said than done.
I've tried to express all this to people before and nobody could ever relate. Made me feel rather lonely and at times I just thought I was being crazy.

[Alarrah]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one AA. I was seriously thinking that I was going crazy.

****Trigger warning*****
I need to process some things that happened last year... If you aren't comfortable reading about BDSM, I would skip this post.

I never really learned how to have vanilla relationships. I was introduced to BDSM very young, and I loved the control aspects. I loved having someone tell me what to do, and the clear rules were such a relief. It was so much easier for me to relate to someone else through a framework that was clearly defined.

Last year, I found myself in the hospital with two pulmonary emboli. I could have died, and with how long they went untreated, it is a miracle I didn't. I was severely depressed, and my husband was dealing with his own depression and fear over almost losing me. At this low moment, I found a Dominant that seemed like everything I had ever dreamed of. He was steady as a rock, and it was like he could read my mind. We had so much fun playing together. I was completely enamored. We were together for 4 months, and in that time, he helped me learn to live again. He had me eating right, drinking enough water, exercising, and most importantly, thinking I was sexy.

He liked to play with fear. Slowly, he started convincing me that I was more of a slave than a submissive. He took my safe word away, and I overlooked all these red flags because I was getting healthy again. He beat me while I was on blood thinners, and the bruises were so bad that I really worried it would cause another clot or make me bleed out. He stopped asking for consent, and I thought it was ok. I just wanted to please him.

I don't know if there is a short version of this story's end. He invited a woman to play with us, and she decided she wanted me. She convinced me he was abusive (which he was), and convinced me to not contact him again. I will have to face what she did to me later, but the one two punch of him and her was enough to knock me on my butt for a year. I'm just now standing again. It was easier to be mad at her than to process my feelings for him, and honestly, I still care about the guy. I feel like I didn't have a real chance to let him go.

Anyway... all this to say that he contacted me today. Every cell in my body is screaming that I should respond. I should give him the chance to explain. I should apologize for letting that woman tear me from him. I know he wasn't healthy for me, but I was also at my healthiest when I was with him, if that makes any sense. I know he's bad for me, but I also know how happy I was with him. It's so much harder when you love the one that hurts you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I understand how you feel, Alarrah. Even with the whole BDSM thing, the desire for control.
I don't really have much advice to give, it seems like a complicated matter, and in the end you know what you want and what is best for yourself. I suppose if it will provide some kind of closure, you could reply to him. But I don't think running back to your abuser would be a good idea, even when the feelings are there - It's how they hurt you so bad, because of that love.

[Alarrah]

Well, I am not doing so hot. I thought I had it under control for a while, but I don't.

My relationships have fallen apart. I am down to one person in my life. Everyone else has rightfully decided that I am too unstable to be around. My finances are messed up. I am not able to pay my bills and my mortgage is two months behind. I just found out today that I am on thin ice and will be fired if I give them the slightest reason. I am not even taking care of me. I am having trouble just getting out of bed, drinking water, and taking care of myself.

I don't know what to do. I have meds that help, but I have not been taking them. I tried setting reminders, but I think I have just given up. I don't know how to make myself want to care anymore. I just want this to end. I want to stop hurting. Therapy is not helping, and I can't afford it. I am still going, but I don't know how much longer I will have the money for it.

I can't stop the negative trains of thought in my head. I can't stop from jumping to the worst, most destructive conclusions. I am beating myself up constantly.

Earlier, I couldn't even get off the floor to get to work. I know I will lose my house if I don't, but I still laid there staring blankly until I was late getting back. I tell my body to move, and it just doesn't.

[Three Roses]

Alarrah I wish I could do or say something to help you. Do you think maybe you're stuck in an EF? Keep us posted, you are cared for here, we understand.

[DecimalRocket]

Allarah, I don't know what I can do to help you either. But the least we can do is listen and wish you well. I don't know you well and your life is falling apart — but I still believe you're worth it. Because you tried your best, and well, you're a human being. We have our own value.

Take care. 

[Blueberry]

Earlier, I couldn't even get off the floor to get to work. I know I will lose my house if I don't, but I still laid there staring blankly until I was late getting back. I tell my body to move, and it just doesn't.

I know this kind of state well. It doesn't matter what the 'threat' or consequence is, I don't get going, I can't get going. My worst case of this was when I kept going back to bed instead of taking my pet to the vet's, because I couldn't leave the house. I'm very bad at self-care but I'd never been so bad at caring for my pets before. I think in my case that it's an EF. Often I need to ride it out. Although there are times when objectively-speaking that's pretty bad (e.g. the vet appointment). I've missed work before too, but I don't work that much anymore, so it's less of a problem. 

Sometimes I try to think of the easiest thing for me to do in that moment to slowly bring myself back out of the state.  That can be stopping my negative thoughts. To do this, I picture a stick going through the spokes of a wheel. I generally work quite a lot with imagery. I can picture myself in my Inner Safe Place. Or try and picture what part of my body would be easiest to move. Might be my toes, so then I move a few of them, and gradually the movements may get bigger, or if not, they may show me what I need, e.g. I need to feel safe.

I'm well-versed in not taking my medicine too. I know it's not good, but... My doctors know of this and they don't harangue or criticise. I try to turn it around and praise myself when I do take my medicine. 

Please keep us posted. We care about you on here. 

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, i hope you can lean on us, absorb some of the care we're sending to you until it is enough for you to be able to begin moving again.         you have been so strong thru so much, and i know the feeling of 'but how much more am i expected to be strong about?'.  just today, just make it thru today.  we're surrounding you with love, gentleness, and positive vibes, healing light embracing and warming you, letting you know you are so valuable, and deserve only the best.

i have faith in you even when it's difficult to find it for yourself.  warm, loving hug filled with comfort and concern.

[Alarrah]

Thank you guys. I have been re-reading your responses for the past few days, and they really helped me pull through.

My therapist helped me reframe some stuff. When everything falls apart, sometimes it is better to start something new than to put it back together. That's kinda where I am. I have been trying to get moved from KY to OR for 6 months, so maybe this is the universe telling me that it is time.

In a fantastic coincidence, the same day that I found out I was about to be fired at work, I got an interview for another position in the city I want to move to. I know better than to hang my hopes on one potential job, but it still woke me up a little bit and reminded me that I am still hirable.

In general, I was letting the bad things that were happening define me. I wasn't a good person going through a hard time, I was a horrible person who attracted bad situations. I have to remember that I am not defined by any of the things going wrong in my life.

Now, let's hope that I can get back to this place of clarity. It's hard, but it feels much better than lying hopeless on the floor.