My experience. "Trigger Warning"

[dsgirl]

"Trigger Warning"

I can remember the violence in my house from a very young age.
Like my Mum I was always having ' accidents'
I remember my Mum telling me that social workers questioned her at the hospital once after one of my more serious accidents.
When I was young we moved to a different country where I had no family apart from my parents.
Bullied at school and literally beaten in the street for ' being from a different country'
Bullied at home by my violent Dad and narcissistic Mum.
No money to get involved in local clubs, or go places with friends I learned very early on to isolate myself.
In my teens I did speak to a school counselor after a particularly violent encounter with my Dad where I had to go back to school.
I sat in her office until I stopped crying then was sent back to class and told off by the teacher for not having my homework done.
I could hardly tell the teacher that the night before instead of doing my homework, I was holding my bedroom door closed and guarding it so my Dad didn't hit me.

Every single day no reprieve there was constant aggression, constant fear, tenterhooks waiting for the next explosion.
Who would I upset today My Mum who I just couldn't do right by or my Dad who could get angry within seconds.
I used to cut myself, digging into my arms with anything sharp until it bled I couldn't even explain why now.
I hated myself I was never good enough, always had holes in my clothes and shoes, always had hand me downs.
I have even had the pleasure of living in a women's refuge twice with my Mum during my childhood.
I've had a weapon put to my face by my Dad while trying to protect my Mum in my teens.

Even after my Mum left my Dad in my late teens I still didn't realise that she was just as abusive as him.
She had me convinced she was the martyr for our family trying to save and protect it and keep us together.
When I look back now I cannot remember a time even when I was ill that she or my Dad ever just hugged me or was even affectionate. The only time I'd get an I LOVE YOU from my Mum was if she wanted something. I became her 'Rock'.
She became verbally abusive after my Dad left. Not long after our family suffered a loss, I moved out of home but then she asked me to move back, so I did to make her happy and help her out with the bills, but then she would do stuff like leave anything of mine downstairs at the end of the stairs for me to bring to my room. I felt more like a lodger than a daughter, and she went out of her way to make me feel like that. Where as my other sibling was the 'darling', I was always the problem.
She still, even though she's very ill keeps me at that level of relationship to this day.



I'm an adult now, with financial problems, isolation problems, persistent sadness that there is rarely a reprieve from, and the health problems, dizziness, chronic pain and stiffness, tummy upsets, weight gain, headaches, back aches, anxiety, panic attacks, stress, hypervigilance, depression, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, hurt, lack of coping skills and last but not least loneliness.

I'm just discovering why this year and my god it's been an eye opener.
I truly  hadn't realised how badly I had been treated by both parents, and to be honest I'm still coming to terms with it.
I want everything fixed in me right now, and I'm annoyed that apparently I'm left to fix this mess that they've made so I can be happy but if I want to move forward I have to.

I'm so used to being this way now I'm not even sure where to begin. I've started counselling but it feels like my counselor thinks that if I do a few breathing exercises everythings going to be fixed
I got the lecture that holding onto my anger is not good for me and I do know this and I know that I need to heal now but I just can't seem to move past being angry that I'm going through all this and that they don't have to do anything to help fix this.

Well that's my story so far.

[Libby12]

Hello dsgirl.

That is a really awful description of your life with your parents.   It must have been even worse to go through all of this in a foreign country,  where you were also bullied at school. I know that feeling that there is no escape from the fear wherever you are, and I know all about the physical and emotional suffering you talk about.  I think most people here have battled with all of these issues.   It's just so tiring and so unfair, isn't it?

I suffered at the hands of a nm and ef for forty plus years and am just getting to grips with all of the trauma over the last year, but I am coping so much better and that is in no small part thanks to the support and learning I have found here.   I hope you find a way through all of the pain and we will all help in any way you want.

Best wishes and thanks for joining OOTS.

Libby.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear all this, Dsgirl. That sounds terrible, nobody should have to go through that.
Glad you found your way here.

If you don't mind me suggesting, perhaps try to find a therapist/psychologist to talk to, over a counsellor. At least from where I'm from, counsellors are just there to listen, they can't really provide much in the way of therapy, can't give out medication or anything.
Things will get better! ^^

[dsgirl]

Hello dsgirl.

That is a really awful description of your life with your parents.   It must have been even worse to go through all of this in a foreign country,  where you were also bullied at school. I know that feeling that there is no escape from the fear wherever you are, and I know all about the physical and emotional suffering you talk about.  I think most people here have battled with all of these issues.   It's just so tiring and so unfair, isn't it?

I suffered at the hands of a nm and ef for forty plus years and am just getting to grips with all of the trauma over the last year, but I am coping so much better and that is in no small part thanks to the support and learning I have found here.   I hope you find a way through all of the pain and we will all help in any way you want.

Best wishes and thanks for joining OOTS.

Libby.

Thank you for the kind words. I read some of the posts on here and it's the first time I feel connected to anything.
I think I've come to the right place

[dsgirl]

I'm sorry to hear all this, Dsgirl. That sounds terrible, nobody should have to go through that.
Glad you found your way here.

If you don't mind me suggesting, perhaps try to find a therapist/psychologist to talk to, over a counsellor. At least from where I'm from, counsellors are just there to listen, they can't really provide much in the way of therapy, can't give out medication or anything.
Things will get better! ^^

Thank you for the kind words, I'm going to take your advice and look into that.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS dsgirl     I am so sorry for all that you've gone through and are experiencing now.  You are definitely in the right place and here I hope you will find a lot of care and support and information to help you with recovering.   

Note - I added a trigger warning to your post which is something we normally do here if our posts are on the graphic side 

[justdontknow]

You've been through so so much. It sounds like it was truly unbearable for you growing up and it's no wonder you're struggling to heal. It is so frustrating that you have to do all the work of healing when you are not at all to blame for what you're feeling but you will grow and gain so much self-wisdom in the process. I'm glad you've found this forum and I hope that you can find the right support.

The breathing thing does sound a bit patronising. Although meditation and yoga have really helped me find peace. I understand you'd like better solutions and more substantial support though. I hope you find it. Gentle hugs if ok.

[JayDubs]

Thanks for sharing.   It's sad that caregivers in the education, medical, and even therapists can be enablers as well.   Coming to terms and admitting to myself what had happened was and still is a tough road for me.  Not sure I will ever get over it completely and in some twist of irony there may be beauty in that.  I can relate to a lot of what you said.  As I aged and more things happened I also started abusing alcohol too.  Definitely didn't make things better.   Hope you can avoid that pitfall!! 

Keep up the good fight!