Sick of Binge Drinking...Ugh

[Kat]

I've struggled with binge drinking for way, way too many years.  I'm so sick of making promises to myself only to break them.  I'm fine during the day when I'm busy and active.  I don't even think of alcohol.  It's at night time when everything changes.  It's not every night, and it's not as many nights a week as it used to be, but I'm sick of drinking at all. 

Last night I was so determined not to give in, but ended up doing just that.  I slept until 3:30pm today, partly because of the drinking.  It sucks to lose a whole day. 

I've tried AA and Smart Recovery.  I know AA works for many people, but I'm not one.  The Smart Recovery meetings I attended weren't well facilitated and there aren't a whole lot of meeting places.

I'm feeling so demoralized.  I'm so tired of struggling with this. 

[Dee]

I am so sorry to hear you feel so badly.  I have certainly had my days where I feel like the evening will never come before I allow myself to have a drink.  Then sometimes I compromise and think it is only an hour earlier than normal.  One glass can turn into three quickly.  I struggle to control it.  I have been told that I don't have a problem.  I went two months without a drop (inpatient) and did just fine.  Still, it is an unhealthy coping tool that I still turn to and it never makes anything better.  I am trying to replace it with healthier options.

I don't have any advice to offer.  All I can offer is that I get it and I truly am sorry you struggle with it.

[Kizzie]

I had an addictions counselor who told me the success rate for treating addiction to alcohol is quite low, and that he and others in the field were coming to see that drinking is a symptom of something deeper.  Currently they treat alcohol as the main illness, whereas what requires treatment is the underlying cause.  It rang true for me having CPTSD.  I got into trouble with alcohol because I wanted to numb myself.  I didn't like the taste or anything about alcohol really except it quieted all the pain and fear if only for a few blessed hours.  When I woke up though, back came the depression, pain, anxiety, shame .....

Anyway, at the same time as I was seeing the addictions counselor I also went to therapy for CPTSD.  As my symptoms for that lessened, so did any desire to numb myself.  Maybe that's why Dee didn't have trouble in the program (treatment and support which gets to the root of the problem), and why you are needing to drink less than before?   I just wanted to share what I saw in your post - that you are recovering from CPTSD and as you do it does seem your need to drink is lessening (i.e., so as you recover further you may not find it as much of a struggle to drink less and perhaps stop?). It may also be why the two programs didn't work, they deal with the drinking itself rather than the reasons for drinking.   

Just some thoughts for what they're worth. 

[sanmagic7]

kizzie makes a good point about the need to understand and treat the underlying cause of the drinking.  AA didn't work for me, either.  the more i understand my recovery, what it means, what issues need to be resolved and how to go about doing that, the farther away any thought of use gets.

i've been sober over 15 yrs this time.  i made it this far once before, and when my marriage and family blew up, i went back to it.  it was no 'slip' as it is often called in some programs.  it was intentional.  i wanted the feeling of being free of all the pain, confusion, and seriousness that was drowning me.

we all have different reasons for numbing our brains with substances.  i've only stopped smoking about 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  cigs were my best friends, altho i quit them about a thousand times.  still, they helped calm me, soothe the anxiety in ways nothing else did.   now, my lungs are weak, and i know that i'd kill them and myself if i smoked again. 

in a healthier state of mind then, about me and my body, my thoughts about what smoking would do to me can override the urge to smoke.  and, believe me, i have that urge most days.  i would love to be able to smoke again.

but, i won't.  i won't use other substances, either.  my recovery is now stronger than those urges.   i believe that as you continue in recovery, it will become stronger for you as well.  your healthy giving (as someone else posted) will extend to giving yourself permission to stay away from the bottle and be with whatever is bothering you.  you'll get there.  i have faith.   big hug, kat.

[Kat]

Thank you all so much.  Your kind words and wisdom really do help.  Kizzie, I've often wondered about exactly what you spoke about.  In fact, I almost said in my initial post that I don't feel like I am a "regular" alcoholic (whatever that is), but like my troubles are different from those I met at AA, for example.  I cringe when my T says I'm an alcoholic.  I don't feel it's the right label.  I'm cool with saying I abuse alcohol.  I have no problem admitting to her the times I binge, so it's nothing I'm trying to hide.  I take responsibility for it.  Anyhow, I didn't include any of this in my initial post because I didn't want it to appear that I'm making excuses. 

What you all have expressed makes a lot of sense to me.  I'm just frustrated that recovery takes so danged long.  Thanks again, all, for taking the time to respond.  It makes me feel a lot better.

[Kizzie]

   Kat.  My addictions counselor and GP actually both said they didn't think I was a "regular" alcoholic.  And given the counselor said he thought his field needed to move towards treating the underlying cause, I do believe (hope) change is afoot.  I think over time as (if) that becomes clearer, we will see a LOT more people here unfortunately.  The flip side of that coin though is positive - more people will be getting to the root cause of what leads them to drink.   

Hang in there! 
   

[Phoebes]

Kat, I totally relate to how you feel and do the same. After one, two or a few days of not being interested in alcohol, if I am triggered, or stressed, or just lonely, I tend to find myself doing the same thing..drinking "just one", ok two, alright three whatever..and sometimes 4. It's not during the day, not hard liquor or keeping me from work, but it does FEEL like I "need" it when the urge comes. It's like when that small feeling creeps in for the relief, it's almost no stopping it or talking myself out of it. I am always mad at myself for creating a slight to awful headache, sluggishness, unhealthiness in general. I think I am developing more serious health problems because of it as well, and yet, that does not stop me. I hate it too.

I wonder if it stems from the first time I drank as a teen, and that original feeling of complete and total relief from my situation and myself, my shyness and pain, however brief. It's always been the vice I use, but also enjoy. I was sober for 2.5 years once. The thing is I was feeling healthier then. More full. More friends and understanding others. But I still was in denial and in the dark about my Nmom's abuse. I kind of wish that healing energy had gone into realizing what I was up against and why I was so miserable to begin with.

[SilverLingingA]

Hi Kat,
So sorry to hear about what you're experiencing.
It doesn't sound to me like your an alcoholic, (though I'm no professional either), this is just my opinion based on what I've been learning through this process as well. It sounds to me like a maladaptive coping mechanism, which it is, and whether your a true "alcoholic" or not is debatable. The reality is that, your using alcohol as a way to midegate the internal pain you feel inside. But, there are other
(healthier) ways to cope! There has to be, as I'm am struggling with a similar struggle, and thats smoking marijuana. It helps me, soothes me, and gives my body a chance to relax. With long term recovery work though, it takes time, patience, pain and repetition. Through therapy (lots of therapy! PE) treatment and proper support, I will be able incorporate all of the coping skills I've learned through this whole process. & I believe the same can be done for you. I believe Kat, as painful as it is, you can learn healthier and better ways to cope with how you feel inside and truly begin to heal your wounds.
Set goals, tiny ones, to give yourself a jump start to making the changes YOU want & need for yourself. Don't beat yourself up though if you don't meet the goal you set either, give your self, the compassion and self love YOU deserve. This is a process that we (I feel) will always be continuing to grow and learn from recovery/recovering, and that means making mistakes too. 
I also didn't find AA beneficial either,  "#2 - I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."
I don't believe that anyone but ourselves can truly heal us. You have it within you Kat, it just takes work, time and patience with yourself (Therapy & Support too) . You can learn differently and begin to heal.
Accepting that this is a process, makes doing the "work" a little bit easier.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking
"Moderate alcohol consumption:
According to the "Dietary Guidelines for Americans 2015-2020," U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and U.S. Department of Agriculture, moderate drinking is up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men."
"Binge Drinking:
NIAAA defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings blood alcohol concentration (BAC) levels to 0.08 g/dL. This typically occurs after 4 drinks for women and 5 drinks for men—in about 2 hours.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), which conducts the annual National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), defines binge drinking as 5 or more alcoholic drinks for males or 4 or more alcoholic drinks for females on the same occasion (i.e., at the same time or within a couple of hours of each other) on at least 1 day in the past month."
"Heavy Alcohol Use:
SAMHSA defines heavy alcohol use as binge drinking on 5 or more days in the past month."
"NIAAA's Definition of Drinking at Low Risk for Developing Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD):
For women, low-risk drinking is defined as no more than 3 drinks on any single day and no more than 7 drinks per week. For men, it is defined as no more than 4 drinks on any single day and no more than 14 drinks per week. NIAAA research shows that only about 2 in 100 people who drink within these limits have AUD."
Sending you best wishes,
A

[Kat]

It's interesting...I first posted about this back in July and the July 3rd post had sat there for a while.  I stayed home from work on Thursday because I'd drunk so much the night before and knew I wouldn't be able to function.  And what do I see when I jump on the forum--Sick of Binge Drinking...Ugh.  Indeed.

Thank you all for the responses.  I've been doing better--despite Wednesday night/Thursday morning.  I drink less often, so that's good.  I'm still working on it.  The thing that was different this time around is that I actually felt compassion for myself instead of feeling ashamed and angry at myself.  I slept through most of Thursday and it felt so peaceful and nice.  It felt like the quiet after the storm, which it really was as we'd had rain the night before.

My T pointed out that I tend to have "something like memories" come up after I have an especially bad drinking binge.  She said it was a chicken or egg situation.  She thinks the drinking somehow allows me to access those memories.  I think it's more likely that they are wanting to be known and I'm subconsciously feeling it and want to drown it out with the alcohol.

Anyhow, I'll continue to fight.  I believe I'll win in the long run.

[Three Roses]

I believe you will too!

[justdontknow]

It's really tough and frustrating. I really do feel for you.

I find drinking really helps at the time but then the next couple of days I have a massive dip and I feel so ill I resolve never to even drink again. And then I do. But gradually I've realised that the horrible depressed moods I have are often the days following me drinking alcohol, which has made me moderate my alcohol intake a bit more. It's been difficult to do but it helps if i'm out with people who don't drink as much as i want to drink and i restrain myself to drinking as much as they do. I've started having the odd drink or three alone recently though which i really don't want to be doing because I feel like the temptation is really easy then. Going to have to make sure i don't have any to hand so the temptation isn't there.

[sanmagic7]

you go, kat.  keep fighting the good fight.  it'll happen.  same for you, jdk.  it's our warrior spirit that won't let us just sit and do nothing, that keeps us looking and learning.  here's to us - i'm toasting with pink lemonade!  big hug!

[Kizzie]

The thing that was different this time around is that I actually felt compassion for myself instead of feeling ashamed and angry at myself.

      

Anyhow, I'll continue to fight.  I believe I'll win in the long run.

Rooting for you