Newbie Just calling in

[Pilgrim]

Hi
I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD - abusive upbringing in NI during the Troubles. Just added to the other string about BPD and C-PTSD as I was misdiagnosed with BPD for years, suffered untold abuse/stigma by health professionals and even by staff when I was in psychiatric units for my own safety. Boy do in-patient staff really hate BPDers - so being repeatedly told that I was attention seeking (when actually I was just trying to get somewhere where there was no noise and roll up tight) just kept layering my C-PTSD. I also have a very rare neurological condition which is also very unknown by general health professionals who instead of trying to educate themselves about it, just go ah you're faking it. It's called Functional Neurological Disorder - you can find out more from FNDHope.org. I have FND (Conversion Disorder). There is believed to be some cross over with trauma so it is listed in the DSM V as a mental health disorder but this year they are also now going to put it into the Neurological Disorders Diagnostic Handbook. My Consultant Neurologist is one of the UK's specialists so I'm very lucky there (in a kind of weird sense). But for psychiatrists C-PTSD - it's like finding hen's teeth finding one who has experience in treating a person with the condition. My Consultant psychiatrist found me fascinating - I was his first ever such patient. He got the right diagnosis (for which I will be eternally grateful) but after 3.5 years letting someone in behind my barricades and showing them the rawest part he then just kicked me in it. After years of regular 1 - 1 monthly meetings that he considered necessary one day he just stopped any correspondence or appointments. Wouldn't respond to my GP who was desperately firefighting. I hadn't annoyed him or anything or ever been discourteous to him and if he had felt that he didn't need to see me as often then I would have accepted that. We finally had a last meeting (final because I was moving). I asked him why - he just sat apologising for nearly an hour. But it was all just too late and all I saw were words and to my shame I felt no pity for him - and that whole experience has just spiraled me downwards -left me berating myself for being so stupid and letting yet another person cast me aside like a take-away cup. I have moved and the doc has said I will definitely need another psychiatrist. Me - can I ever trust another one? I fear not. I just feel so ashamed of myself for being taken in and (I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules - sorry if have, I'll learn) I feel like I've betrayed the memory of a brave man I never knew - my great grandfather killed on the first day of the Somme. What would he think of my stupidity and cowardice? I have his army number tattooed on my arm - perhaps he'll be able to cope with me - I really do not mean to dishonour him.
But on a lighter note it's my birthday. Yeah - still waiting for my birthday card from Bruce Springsteen - I wish. But I've got a lovely family and for them to continue to genuinely love me after what I put them through is the best thing that anybody could give me. But hey Bruce a card would still be nice - I'm still buying your albums and rockin' at your concerts.
Cheers
Pilgrim 

[Andyman73]

Happy Birthday Pilgrim!!!! Bruce never sent me a card, so I stopped wishing...still hoping to get one from Axl Rose, though! 

You are the second person I ever met with conversion disorder. The other ... he's quite the character....I love him like a brother, and would do anything for him. But only know him on line. He's got such insight that just blows me away. But like you, also struggles with finding good help. And he's in a bit of an abusive marriage, which saddens me to no end...I know, cuz I am too.

Anyway....so very nice to meet you, Pilgrim. Looking forward to getting to know you a little bit better.

Andrew

[Three Roses]

Hey, thanks for the info, haven't heard of conversion disorder before.

You are neither stupid, nor cowardly. Living through what we have takes more than a little intelligence and cunning, and a good helping of courage too.

Courage is feeling the fear but acting anyway. It is not the absence of fear.