Songbirdrosa's journal

[Candid]

This sounds GOOD.  Keep going!

[songbirdrosa]

I saw my mother this afternoon. I was in a pretty good mood until then, but once I started talking to her it really went down hill fast. I became irritable, snappy, and generally more annoyed. My psychologist was right when she said I need to find a way to release my anger towards her. I see now that she's not going to be receptive at all to any issues I bring up. I mentioned a couple of the things I'd discussed with my T, and she immediately started saying things like "oh, I'm on the same level as [my clingy friend] now, am I", and "you want to ambush me". I don't know what to do. I'd rather not go LC or NC, but it may end up being that's my best option.

[Candid]

You're brave to continue seeing your M, songbirdrosa. Seems you need to prepare yourself for these encounters and come up with some short statements for any off-colour remarks she makes. I know, that seems unnatural; she's your mother. But when I think back to the last few contacts with my own M, I mostly kick myself for naively going in unprepared and for assuming she wouldn't say things that would shock me into painful silence.

My psychologist was right when she said I need to find a way to release my anger towards her.

Your psychologist may be able to help you decide on some brief, pithy statements that express your anger in a safe way.

"oh, I'm on the same level as [my clingy friend] now, am I"

Not at all! She isn't my mother so she doesn't have anywhere near as much power to hurt me.

"you want to ambush me"

I want to remind you of things you've said and done over the years, that's all.

[Three Roses]

This gal's name is Lisa A Romano, I'd never heard of her before but this was a great video.

How to disarm an NPD - https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

It's not a long video, hope you find it helpful.

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks guys, it has helped thus far

I've discovered a rather unexpected side effect of my recovery. Ever since I was 12-13, I've wanted to get tattooed. Mostly things that I've felt symbolised my personality. Now? I don't want to anymore. It's almost like I'm becoming comfortable enough with myself that I feel I don't need to wear these things as reminders. That's not to say that I think they're bad, or that the people who get them are insecure. More that, my reason for wanting one was a kind of indicator that I was unsure of who I was, and now that I'm getting to know myself, that desire has gone. Makes me rather glad that I chickened out of getting one last year!

[songbirdrosa]

 

I just realised why I'm not sleeping! And all this time I thought it was some deep inner turmoil! Man, do I feel silly. 

There's no clock in my room. I've always fallen asleep to the sound of a ticking clock, and I don't have one right now. Looks like I'm up for a trip to the shops tomorrow!

Here's hoping I'll finally get into better sleep patterns, and can then focus on more important aspects of recovery 

[songbirdrosa]

Well, hasn't it been a while since I was here! So much has happened, I feel like an entirely different person to the one who started writing this journal.

First and foremost, I've moved. I'm now a comfortable eight hour drive away from the town I grew up in that was the scene of the more horrific parts of my abuse. And while it hasn't been all smooth sailing (refer to my "been a while" post), the physical distance has helped enormously in lifting the cloud that had been hanging over me. The uncertainty and fear has all but vanished, and it's been so much easier to take the necessary steps to move past any obstacles that arise. It's like I suddenly know what I need to do. Segue!

I've returned to study to finish the final year of the degree I started five years ago. Unfortunately I ran into numerous issues last time that majorly triggered my C-PTSD and anxiety, and I crashed and burned. But I've never been more sure of what I want to do with my life than I am now. I'm more confident, more at ease, and more comfortable. Going through everything a second time has made me so much more sure in what I do and how to tackle things.

I just feel... good. Better. I know deep within myself that I'm exactly where I need to be. And that feels wonderful. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Nice to hear you're so far away from where you grew up. Must be very reassuring. I'd love to have that kind of distance between me and my abusers!
And it's good that you're confident with that studying! I'll be cheering you on. ^-^

Also in regards to your earlier post, interesting that I too fall asleep to a ticking clock. Bought a clock JUST for the ticking sound. The battery is almost dead so that second hand doesn't actually move properly, just clicks back and forth, but all that matters is the sound so it'll be fine.

[sanmagic7]

wowser bowser!!!  i am so jazzed for you, songbird.  congrats and kudos to you.  what a wonderful feeling for you to have.  so glad you got out of that town.  yay!

can't be happier for you.  keep going - you are doing great!   love and a big hug.

[songbirdrosa]

Oh man, has it been a week this week.

I've had a lot of issues with money (which is in my Top 5 Nasty Triggers) this week. For the past year or so I've relied a lot on welfare for my income because my mental state has been pretty bad. Since I restarted studying, I've been trying to get on a student payment rather than the unemployment I've been on so far (since C-PTSD doesn't qualify me for disability despite it being both long-term, and having a significant impact on my daily life!). Every time I try to switch over, something comes up. I don't qualify because I've already done this degree, or I studied too recently, or the time limit has run out. I talk to person after person after person and nobody can give me a straight answer! The welfare people say to go to my employment agency to get "course approval". The employment agent tells me to go to welfare to apply for a new payment. The welfare people reject my application because of whatever excuse they can think of this week. It just goes round and round and this week it broke me. I was at an appointment with a new agency, and I was hysterical. I was mad and shaking, and on the verge of tears at several points. It was horrendous! I came so close to self-harming again because of it.  Thankfully I didn't.

I went to see a doctor today and she's going to write me a medical exemption so I don't have to keep jumping through all their circus hoops. Hopefully I can get this mess sorted out.