Trigger noises (Warning - potential trigger)

[Traveller 1]

 My question is. Does anyone else suffer with instant, barely controllable rage through sounds people make.
My abuser would make a sound of exasperation, before once again destroying any sense of self worth,
I might have allowed myself to have. Then becoming hypercritical as to why I needed to be brought down.
Whenever someone, particularly female does it, I have to keep a lid on it.
I bite my knuckles hard to relieve the anger.
This is exhausting when it happens and people look at me strangely, like some kind of lunatic.
It can and has lead to ef that has lasted days.
I desperately want to control this but am finding it really hard to do.
Chopping wood and hard exercise alleviates some of the rage.
But it's still there.
This was an abuser who took delight in wounding me emotionally whenever the opportunity arose, even though she's been dead for
30 years she still torments me daily.
Mothers are not supposed to do this, she didn't do it to my three older half siblings, so I clearly deserved special treatment.
Whenever I am asked about her, which isn't often, the only word I feel able to use is, despise.
I cannot resolve issues through forgiveness as I will never forget or forgive.
She would be completely unworthy, as she would say I deserved it, or deny it ever happened.
Please forgive my rant but I just needed to get this out there.
Thanks guys

[Three Roses]

There are some noises that people make that send me right up the wall, looking for the nearest escape. Coins jingling in a pocket, snapping fingers, and other noises my F used to make. Smells, too. The smell of tobacco on a bleached white shirt.

You're not alone.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh goodness, I really know how you feel.

There's one specific trigger though it makes me scared more than angry... that moment when someone gets so frustrated with you that they don't speak, pause, then sigh. My F did it EVERY single time he was about to start yelling at me. Every time I heard that sigh I froze up and knew exactly what was going to come. Then years later every now and then I hear that same kind of sigh and my whole body suddenly tenses up and I feel I'm about to sprint out the nearest exit.

There are some noises that make me very angry though, having to throw on some headphones to block the sounds out. I would blame it on misophonia but I realize now that most of those noises are all related to my FOO in some way. Heavy footsteps are one, reminding me of my F walking up and down the hall. The sound of eating is another, it's not just annoying but reminds me of all the times I've told my FOO to eat more quietly and they refused to do so.
I usually try to find some 'palette cleanser' for my ears when I'm feeling angry from noise. Listening to rain or the ticking of a clock usually helps to calm me down.

[woodsgnome]

(POSSIBLE TRIGGERS) A couple of sounds that can still make me flinch include:

...approaching steps of someone coming up a stairway;
...being in a bathroom with no lock on the door and hearing a solo person getting
     closer;
...a door being opened with grim determination;
...words of shaming disapproval with no clear motive other than to hurt;
...off colour or put-down jokes;
...gross sexual innuendo designed to humiliate and/or shame;
...parents screaming at each other, often referencing me as the scapegoat;
...teachers at a religious school taking on the voice of god to tell me how I'd
     disappointed him and how they were going to deal with it.

There's more but I don't think I want to go there...sorry, this was harder than I thought it would be. Once the sounds start, they roll into each other and I have to cut them off or lose it.

[M.R.]

I also have quite a few triggers. One that really stands out to me...as silly as it sounds is buttering toast. I know, how can buttering toast affect someone? I was abused and put down with the simplest of things. I "could never butter toast correctly". I always put too much butter on it for my mother. She always wanted me to toast the bread but then have one of my brothers butter it.  :/

Anyways, I have rage a lot also. Its recently gotten worse. It had been better for a few years. Most times for me I black out. I've actually went after my father...the only person's that tried to understand.

You aren't alone traveller.

Melodie

[ah]

Oh absolutely, me too. Instant uncontrollable rage is what it feels like. It's like instant physical pain, some noises hurt like an electric shock.

In particular *repetitive* noises. I didn't understand why they drove me crazy till I remembered that when I made the mistake of showing my distress at hearing them as a kid, they were used to torment me over and over and over. So tiny daily noises can make me feel tortured. Plastic bags, light switches, swallowing. I do think its strength varies though, depending on my level of stress. When I'm more anxious any noise will drive me crazy, when I'm less anxious I'll be much more tolerating toward them.

I totally get where you're coming from regarding forgiveness. I can't forgive either. In a way it isn't just that the people who abused / abuse me the worst are deniers, it's also that I feel forgiving certain things would be minimizing them, normalizing them... and I refuse to do that. It feels like the ultimate self betrayal. No one may know the abuse I have to tolerate or how harsh my life is, but I won't forget either! If I forget, it'll be as though I condoned it.
I don't want to stay where I am on this topic, I wish I could resolve things inside even if it's impossible externally. Not sure how yet.

MelodieRose, buttering toast is awful! Really. I can't stand it. I'm with you on toast.

[rbswan]

TW - Yes, I have a bunch of sounds that trigger me or make me have an emotional response:

----- The sound of dishes in the sink clanking loudly against each other - My M would angrily slam the dishes around before a rage attack - I do the dishes a lot in my home as it's easier to take the sound when I can see it's me
----- Stomping sounds when someone is angrily walking - M and F would stomp toward my brother and I on their way to abusing or shaming us.
----- Sarcastic tones (veiled anger) make me feel ill, scared or shamed - at work I've had to adapt to this but have learned to ask people to be direct about what they are feeling - this has started some interesting discussions (some ending good and some not so good)
----- Angry people scare me - yelling is very difficult for me to hear even if it's from a distance.  I'll have an immediate startle response.  Oddly, it's not as tough to hear in a movie or show.
----- Sexual innuendo or harassment talk makes me feel sick and angry.  I don't put up with it, ever.
----- Snapping gum - my M did this all the time and it makes my skin crawl.
----- Loud, ingenious laughing - especially if people are being made fun of (I don't put up with that either) - M would laugh at the worst times, really loudly and it sounded almost grotesque, especially if it was something that I did.  She did this in front of other people sometimes, which shamed me.

I could go on but I didn't head the previous warning.  I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow.  I absolutely relate and stand with you.