Letter to E

[Elphanigh]

Preface: I am calling her E for sake of simplicity here. It refers to my old narc flute professor. Also not sure if I am going to truly be able to write this with all the power I intend to.

Dear E,

I am done listening to all the ways you never thought I was good enough. You stole from me the very thing that made me who I am . It was the thing I have wanted and enjoyed most in my life. You took a hopeful freshman, who had nothing but light in her eyes, and tore her to pieces. You have such a talent for taking someone's love for the flute and smashing it under all the judgement and stifiling rules. Your studio was a place of battle for me, and others. I had to mentally prepare for a battle anytime I knew I was coming in for a lesson or a class. Even just a five minute meeting was something I would dread for days before hand. You turned my love for music into a hate for it. It wasn't music I hated but the abuse I was enduring that I hated.

I blamed myself and music for the horrible things you did. I was mad at myself and at music as a whole for all the ways I was feeling. I believed it was my lack or music's cruelness that was making me sick. That the girl that loved music, and dreamed of that life was just a stupid little kid that shouldn't have dreamed so big.

I am recovering from many things, one of those is you. I am reclaiming what you stole from me. I am more than enough. No matter what happens I am enough because music is something to be loved and enjoyed. It is not something to be sick over. I am done feeding into the system that did so much harm to me. I am going to play for myself, not for you any longer. I will come back from what you caused.

I wish you had treated me with the kindness that you spoke to others about me with. They all saw the proud teacher, they didn't see the one I saw. The one that almost stole my love for music. I will come back and be brilliant, and you will have no piece of the thanks for that. I continue despite you, and stronger than I ever was. I am done being your little flute player, I am done.

[Three Roses]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses. This took me a long time to write. It isn't as powerful as i wanted it to be, but it is a step

[Three Roses]

IMO, it's very powerful. Dispassionate, clear, self-aware, strong. A++ in my book!

[Elphanigh]

I am glad, that made me feel very good. I appreciate it. Can look at it with less judgemental eyes 

[Elphanigh]

I haven't written here in a while but this letter has become more relevant once again, and I have more to say to E. I almost sent it in real life and decided not to in my emotional state last night. So I will try to put it here.


E, you make me feel broken even to this day. I have been done with you for nearly a year and a half, yet I still feel broken. I still find myself crying because of you. I find myself laying on the floor unable to feel anything but loss because you took something I found so precious and ran it through time and time again.

You don't deserve to get to ask how I am doing, you don't deserve to tell me how I should be playing. You certainly have no claim to anything I accomplished then or now. You don't get to brag about me and pretend you had anything to do with that. I fought for four years to stay sane and to keep the love of my art. I fought to get better and to be good enough but nothing I did would have ever been enough. I could have been a Galway type player and it wouldn't have mattered. I was never meant to be enough for you. It nearly killed me, trying to live up to your expectations. I can no longer play for myself, I can no longer love  what I hear. The song in my heart barely exists anymore. That light and fire is gone. It is broken beyond recognition because of you.

I may never get to feel that again, because you couldn't see past your own pride. I was just something to show off and then turn around a berate behind closed doors. I was the golden child's, the next prodigy in front of people. When we were behind those doors though, I could do nothing right I was never going to be good enough. That rollercoaster every day for four years was toxic and made me sick. You made me sick, and you weren't the only one but you were supposed to be there for Mel. Teachers are meant to build students up not drag them through the mud every day. They aren't there to be controlling and boastful, but you were.

Truthfully you aren't even that's great of a player. You are toxic, egotistical, manipulative, and draining. You wonder why everyone leaves and wants nothing to do with you... check yourself. It isn't us.