Therapists/Psychiatrists asking if I was sexually abused.

[Echo]

I'm sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable and I'm not meaning to trigger anyone. But there have been a few times when I'm describing my childhood abuse to a therapist, and more recently a psychiatrist, and they have asked me straight up if I was sexually abused.

Is this just something they ask everyone who says they were abused? Maybe they were just trying to understand more about my history. At the time I was afraid to ask.

I can sometimes be very afraid of sex and I don't have sex unless I really trust someone first. It can actually make me physically sick or at the very least uncomfortable to think about having sex with someone I don't know very well. I still sometimes get afraid or feel lightheaded even if I trust the person. Not sure how to describe this

This could just be related my other abuse. I may not have been sexually abused. I'm still trying to work through my memories, and I guess it comes down to figuring it out on my own. But I'm feeling afraid and wanted to put this out there.

[Three Roses]

I'm not sure if all therapists ask outright like that or not. Does it bother you that they are so blunt about it?

[Dee]

In my time I have done three forms asking the question.  This was a structured intake and it was part of many questions.  The first time I lied and said no.  Then I transferred facilities (they were connected) but was still given a form with questions and I answered yes.  After that I went inpatient and it was part of their routine questions.

I can't tell you if it was something that you said or body language that led them to ask or if it was routine.  I suspect you know best.  I will say, I remember abuse, but there are things I don't remember as well.  However; even if I don't remember, I feel it.  In my heart I know what I can't remember.  Yet, it took therapy for me to recognize it.  I was once asked if I think I know, or I know?  The answer was clear, I knew.  This was merely a question about when it began, it began before I can remember.

[Sceal]

I wish they had asked me straight out when I started therapy as an 18 year old. I probably wouldn't have been able to have really answered them at that time, but I am fully certain that my reaction would have been answer more than enough. I needed them to ask, because I didn't know how to tell them. They didn't ask until 13 years later. And in a way, I feel I've lost 13 years, if they had just asked me the first time. Maybe they would have been able to teach me how to not be a victim so my two last perpetrators wouldn't have had their...go.

It was a hard question to finally be asked this year. And so bluntly. But in my case, I'm relived they finally did. It does sound like from what you've said that you did suffer something sexually, even if you don't remember. Many of us don't remember the sexual assaults, but the body doesn't forget.  And many of us doesn't know what really is included in SA, which makes it even more difficult to define to ourselves and our therapists what really happened. I can understand the fear, it's scary. I hope that you have a good relationship with your psychiatrist.

[Dee]

Sceal, that is a good point.  I went a long time, even as an adult, not knowing what normal was.  There was abuse that I didn't realize was abuse.  I knew I was uncomfortable, I knew I didn't like it, but didn't realize it was wrong.  Even some of the traditions I grew up with I intentionally avoided with my own children; but still couldn't recognize it as abuse.

[Blueberry]

I used to be asked and I automatically thought of particular scenes from childhood and said "No." Maybe it was good that I denied it for a while, till I got to a safer place. Because what happened to me is - apparently - not as straightforward CSA as what is done to other people. 

I don't know if it's standard to ask, that may also depend on what country you're in. Probably not the same country as me, so my experience is maybe not so useful? Though maybe you're right, they were just trying to find out more about your history. I see also in your very first post on here that you mentioned that SA might have been a contributory thing.

I'm so frightened of sex I've never engaged in it and I'm past 40. But I don't think your symptoms have to be that extreme for therapists / psychiatrists to ask, as they are doing in your case.
I used to go all cold or numb and then dissociate in certain forms of body therapy; your light-headedness might be something similar to this. A precursor to dissociation if you will.

A few old-hands on here have warned against digging up old memories on your own, because that can send you reeling! So I don't agree that you necessarily have to figure this question out on your own. The memories surface when we're sort of ready for them to re-surface. So, give yourself time!  You'll be doing other exploring and healing, so don't feel like you're "wasting time" not knowing. Things might become clearer bit by bit and at a rate that doesn't throw you completely.

[Andyman73]

I agree with Blueberry... do not dig for them!!! Even without help, sometimes they will surface on their own...while shocking enough...digging for them and trying to force them, without professional help, can be quite disasterous!!!  My memories were all suppressed, some for over 40 years. They've been coming back on their own throughout this past calender year.   I'm quite aghast and blown away at the lifetime lie I've lived that I thought was my life.

I was only ever asked, that I can remember being asked, was during a prostate exam 4 years ago. The examiner noted extensive scar tissue that was NOT hemroids.  Yeah...said not to my knowledge no. Asked if I was ever injured there....again said not that I recall. He dropped it...but had quite a concerned look on his face.

So Echo, be gentle with yourself, while you grapple with this whole idea.  I would say that your aversion to sexual relations sure points to something that involves sex or those body parts, in one fashion or another.

[Sceal]

I learned today during a lecture arranged by the local SA center that research show that it takes an average of 7 years for a SA victim to tell their therapist about the SA. And the psychologist talking said therapists need to become much much better at asking the difficult questions

[Kat]

I can't remember if I was asked outright about whether I'd been sexually abused or not by my therapist.  If I was asked, it was likely right at the start when my therapist was getting my history. 

I have no recollection of being sexually abused, but through therapy I've come to believe that I was.  Like you, I think there were inklings of the abuse, but I didn't know what to make of them at the time.  I was in therapy for about six or seven years before putting all the pieces together.  My therapist had put them together a couple of years before I did, but patiently waited for me to get there myself.  And then the "memories" started to reveal themselves little by little.

A friend sent me a blog post to read about how our bodies remember trauma and how the trauma wants to be known.  It's an interesting read.  I put the link below in case you're interested.

https://www.theunselfishjourney.com/blog/2017/11/14/the-body-remembers-darn

[Blueberry]

Thanks for that article Kat! It really nails it and not just for CSA!

[Andyman73]

Read that article too! Zut zut!  Thank you for sharing that. While not overly profound to me, it was enlightening to say the least.