Insight

[sigiriuk]

It's been a long struggle, but I am  learning what "being reflective: means. VERY early days however.
I grew up around two adults who did not have moral compasses, were unable to reflect, and lacked remorse for their actions. So I never learnt to reflect.

Extreme self blame, self hatred, talking badly to myself are all symptoms of my damaged mind.
It gives me shivers even to say "damaged mind". But I need to acknowledge (to myself) that cPTSD is caused by a damaged mind.

And all my life I thought that being self critical was the same as reflectiveness.....so wrong.

(an upbeat version of ) Slim x

[Blueberry]

That sounds like a helpful insight. Self-blame etc is definitely not reflectiveness. Glad the insight is helping you feel a bit more upbeat. 

[rbswan]

I relate Slim.  Our family lived the unexamined life.  I remember my mom shaming me for being upset just a few minutes after being abused.  She would say "are you still wining about that, get over it".  That pretty much summed up our "learning experiences".  We had to look like nothing ever happened.  Your insight about the inner critic resinates with me too.  Stuffing the feelings turned them inward and I am still battling getting them out through therapy and other recovery methods.  I still have bouts of terrible self talk with words that I don't remember hearing or even coming up with myself. 

I did learn back then.  I learned to disassociate to escape the pain.  I'm so grateful for recovery and the ability (though I have a long way to go) to process and reflect on what was done and how it affects my body, mind and soul.  Thanks for your insight. 

[ah]

I'm 100% with you, just beginning to see self reflection that isn't the same as self blame.
For me right now maybe the difference between them is self reflection is nurturing, self blame is neglecting?

Just one thing I feel uneasy about: damaged mind. I don't know enough about it but I think developing c-ptsd happened because our minds were functioning perfectly. They responded to extreme danger exactly as they should have. They did their best at doing their job of protecting us.
I've been trying lately to remind myself of it, every time I get a wave of overwhelming self blame. I think "wait, but the danger was real." the cause was someone else's damaged mind.
It really hits, for me, the heart of the difference between self reflection and self blame. When I feel strong enough to break free of self blame for a second, I think: my mind is perfectly fine, just tortured. I have a tortured mind.

Maybe you do too?

Just a thought. May not work for anybody else, no worries if it doesn't.

[Kizzie]

What I like about being self-reflective is that I see now that I have strengths and positive qualities that got lost in all the self-criticism and blame. And when things are not quite the way I want them to be I am not so hard on myself, I can see reasons other than defaulting straight to being defective, bad, etc.  So maybe you're right ah, it is a more nurturing (and realistic? fairer?) way of dealing with our selves. 

[LittleBird]

Awesome.

I've been aiming for this too. It doesn't work as often as I want it to, but trying to be patient about this.

Do you use neutral words during your reflections?

[Blueberry]

What I like about being self-reflective is that I see now that I have strengths and positive qualities that got lost in all the self-criticism and blame. And when things are not quite the way I want them to be I am not so hard on myself, I can see reasons other than defaulting straight to being defective, bad, etc. 

is what I find too. Thanks for pointing it out Kizzie