My other introduction

[shadow]

I arrived at Out of the fog and I made my introduction there and then I find out of the storm.....and I know I belong here....messed up...messed down inside out and back to front. I try and try...but never ever get there. I still expect that invisible hand and that magical voice to appear from nowhere to reach out and say....what are you doing in there...your not supposed to be there....

I thought I had cried all there was to cry for that child that I was. I had cried and cried about my parents, for my parents, for their failed story. I now see their story and feel sad at their hopelessness being caught in the era. My mother had been abused by her brother.....so had no idea of how to cope with my brothers or her 'fear' or even her own husband. My father having no knowledge of how to cope with my mother. They instead blamed each other for the constant war zone in the house yet both talked positively in the name of right and wrong. The need to do 'right' is so strong in me that over the Christmas period I accidently picked up a box of reduced mince pies when packing away my shopping at the till. When I got home I realised my mistake. Next time I went back in I confessed and paid for them. Who does that?

So there I was...going through the motions of NC. No contact. First 2 letters were easy. Hung Drawn and Quartered and the executioner felt precise. But the 3rd letter.... I looked back. The crippling memories of duty to family. Look after your little brother...the mental image of him at 3 looking cute....and innocent. The number of times you saw his small frame being tossed around the room by the arm as if he was a whip. The number of times I stepped up to 'look after my little brother' and took it in his place. I thought foolishly that I forgave him for making the choice to join forces with the brothers in order to survive. He was abused to.

So I facebooked him and sent him the bible title cptsd - from surviving to thriving.
At first it was funny. His over inflated reaction. The way he finished his he said you said childishness, none of which was relevant, with 'Stop this nonsense'. But hours later it hit me again.
My brothers truly are as cold as ice. Not an ounce of genuine compassion nor kindness and they truly don't give a sh..1...t about anything except presenting the image of being a respectable human being. This is what destroyed my whole family. My parents breaking up, yet although they separated when I was just 12, it was something of a shock to discover the last thoughts for my father was my mother and his love for her....and my mother same about my Dad. They died just 9 months apart and had been separated more than 25 years. They had never spoken to each other since they broke up either.

So you guessed it....the cost of looking back was more pain more tears. But also.... I learnt I was rushing myself, trying to run before I could walk. I don't mean this nasty in anyway....but Im glad you guys are here. Not for the pain you have had....but the fact you are here. Alienation is the pits xxxx

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the Storm Shadow, we're glad you found your way here   

It sounds like you have a lot of pain right now and I'm sorry to hear that, but I do think it's great that you do know that pain was born of family trauma (rather than you being crazy or defective in some way), and that you feel you need to walk before you can run.  Kudos      There's just a lot to recover from with CPTSD - anger, fear, grief at the trauma that was inflicted by others - as you know only too well, but you have taken three giant steps forward in your recovery, the last being coming here to open up about your CPTSD.  We do know how much of a relief it can be to find others who "get it," who know what you're feeling and have stories you can really relate to so no worries about being nasty     

When you have a moment, please read through the Member Guidelines and then when you're ready feel free to post here and/or in any of the forums that seem relevant to you.  And if you have any questions, please ask away