Hoping to talk with other who feel the same. :/

[liminalmagpies]

Not sure where to start really, and I'll be honest in saying that I've found it really hard pushing myself to post here in the first place. Each time I'd try to write, my mind would go totally blank - so please forgive me if this initial note is disorganized in any way.

The Crux: I'm 35, and male. I was diagnosed officially with C-PTSD last year, and I've been seeing an excellent and supportive LCSW to learn to cope, but I'm struggling in daily life and am hoping to find out if there are any support groups in the Los Angeles area. I'm originally from the UK, but moved to the USA about 10 years ago. Whilst in some ways this helped distance me from my past for a while, in other ways it has added to the sense of isolation I feel in the long term. I don't have any friends that I feel truly intimate with (I find most social encounters to be utterly exhausting, harrowing, and isolating), and lately my life has been plagued by what I can only describe as somatic conditions of varying sorts (tingling and numb extremities, chills, muscle twitches, feelings of doom and my life being over), crippling anxiety, fears of death and dying, and horrifying existential loneliness. I long to meet somebody who I can feel understands me, and that I can feel safe with, but this seems futile, and the failure in sating my longing only adds to the aforementioned issues in a sort of slowly downward spiral. I feel unlovable, like an actor or shadow in my own life, and I'm really very tired out by it all.

The Background: I grew up in a home where my mother had schizophrenia, and my father left us when I was really young. I would visit him often at first, but he would be physically and verbally abusive, so I stopped going altogether. My mother would often have breakdowns, and I witnessed her self-harming on many occasions. I saw her spit at people, cut herself, and threaten my father with a knife. She killed one of my pets, and used affection as a way of controlling me. On top of this, I was bullied in school, and was sexually abused by another boy on multiple occasions. All in all, this foundation (as of course you all know) has left me feeling very alien to the world, unable to enjoy "regular" pastimes, or engage in the stage play of life because I know it's only a sort of surreal facade. I long for something beyond all this, some place to call home, et cetera, et cetera.

Again, I'd like to reiterate that I'm already receiving excellent therapy sessions which have helped a great deal, but I'm hoping to meet and chat with others face to face. It would just be nice to be around others whom know how terrifying and strange the world can feel when your foundations are rotting beneath your feet. I want to find some meaning before it's too late.

Thank you for reading my rambling words. Apologies again if it's nonsensical or poorly focused. Sorry. And thank you warmly.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! You were neither rambling nor nonsensical.

I felt angry to hear about your childhood, especially the loss of your pet. 

Although not specifically for people with cptsd, I find comfort in al anon meetings, face to face with others who typically use at least one of the 4F reactions (fawn). I am also considering going to a support group I recently found out about, which is for people with ptsd. Different, I know, but I think they could relate.

As large as L.A. is I'm sure they'll be something available for you. Happy hunting and thanks for joining!

[liminalmagpies]

Thank you for your reassuring words, and your kind response.

I had been quite surprised (upon searching Google) to discover that there were no obviously apparent support groups with a specificity towards C-PTSD, perhaps they are more geared towards abandonment  / childhood trauma issues? Yes, even as I consider that right now - it feels like it makes a modicum of sense. I'll keep digging. I think that as wonderful as therapy can be, talking to others whom know exactly how you feel is important, because they're going to know the landscapes in which we walk, and perhaps either have extensions to the maps we've drawn for ourselves, or better ones entirely. I need better maps.

Thanks again for the response, I can see you work very hard on this forum and appreciate your precious time.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're here.  i didn't find you rambling or incoherent in the least.

so sad to hear about what happened to you.  a parent with mental health issues is a tough road to tread.  and without the support of the other parent, well, that is isolating right from the get-go.

i'm happy to know that you've got a good therapist,   perhaps, s/he can find some group resources that would suit your needs. 

in the meantime, you're welcome here.  i found a lot of support, even if it's cyber-support.  i'm isolated in that way as well, but this place has helped me a lot.  and kudos to you for being able to write your story down.  it takes guts. 

[liminalmagpies]

Thank you, sanmagic7. It's good to know that there's at least this community. Reading the posts alone offers some level of reassurance, though I wish none of us had to endure these sorts of life-defining obstacles. I'll chat with my therapist, in retrospect that is absolutely the most logical place to begin, strange how I didn't think of it. Ludicrous really. Thank you for suggesting that, very much.

Be well, and thank you again for your meaningful words.

[sanmagic7]

that's one of the advantages i've found in being involved here - i can't think of everything, but others have been wonderfully willing to fill in the gaps.  you're not expected to think of it all.  good luck on finding something. 

[Gwyon]

Hello liminalmagpies,

I can thoroughly empathize with your story and the difficult journey you've faced because of it.  I believe all of this comes down to our deep human need for safe, secure connection (which is intended to come from our first caregivers), and the profound injury that results from NOT receiving that.  You most certainly did not receive that -- and I know how hard that is.  For me I've recently come to this core, simple, but profound awareness that I am still seeking that unconditional love that I never received.  And I am discovering ways to provide that for myself, but it is still a work in progress.  I hope that is where your therapist is leading you as well.

It's been a while since you posted this and I'd like to know how things are going if you are able/willing to share.  I just posted an intro to myself under the "neglect/abandonment" thread regarding my own story.

Kind wishes to you.