Still having problems with a clingy friend

[songbirdrosa]

I'm pretty sure I've posted about this guy before, though quite some time ago. And still after several months have passed, I'm still dealing with the same issues from him. The same complaints, the same refusal to do anything to help himself or better his situation, the same attitude that everyone else has to bend over backwards and fix his problems for him. He has flat out told me that he expects the universe to hand him everything he wants on a platter because "I've sacrificed so much!"

It's annoying because it's the same stuff over and over ad nauseam. It's kind of insulting because I've done so much work to get to the place I'm at and he won't do anything at all. No matter what I say, or how many times I tell him I can't deal with this, he keeps coming back! He just won't listen. He drains everything I have and still wants more. Boundaries are meaningless to him.

I've tried everything my various therapists have suggested and it still doesn't work. I'm at the end of my rope and I honestly don't know what to do, short of just telling him to leave me alone.

[Three Roses]

Are you able to go no contact with him? Sad, but I've also had to leave friends behind who were keeping me from healing....

[songbirdrosa]

Practically, yeah, it'd be quite easy. I don't want to do it because he's struggling too, but at the same time I'm realising that I can't take care of others at my own expense. I'm running out of options.

[Rainagain]

He doesn't sound like he is acting like a friend to you in any way.

I went through a very difficult time where I couldn't think or talk about anything apart from something really bad that had happened to me.

A lot of friends disappeared due to my struggling to come to terms with what had happened.

Now I look back and I don't blame them for that, I was in a bad place but it was my bad place not theirs, they didn't owe me anything.

Their response was healthy and protective of themselves.

Maybe you should wave this 'friend' goodbye, maybe you realise you need to do that already.

It is OK to do that, he will eventually realise that to have friends you need to be a friend.

[Blueberry]

Maybe you should wave this 'friend' goodbye, maybe you realise you need to do that already.

It is OK to do that, he will eventually realise that to have friends you need to be a friend.

I know from experience it can be hard to let someone go partially because "he's (one of) the only friend(s) I've got". Idk if that's your case songbirdrosa, but if it is, IME when I let go of someone, I open myself up to others and get to know other people, so there's the possibility of a new friendship.

I also remember not being able to drop a friend, emotionally-speaking, though rationally I knew... I let it take its course until one day I was so angry that I was able to make the break. I imagine you'll make the break when you're ready too.

[sanmagic7]

i've also dealt with a clingy friend in the past, and have had to take a break from her.  at the time, i explained that to her, but after 6 mos., nothing had changed.  she was too needy, i had my own stuff to deal with, i had to take care of myself.  in the end, i'm glad it happened.  no more contact now.

as blueberry said, you'll find your way to doing what you need in your own time.  we all come to that moment of 'enough' at a different pace, after we've examined every avenue we can think of.  best to you with this.  big hug.

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks everyone. Your input is definitely helping me see things clearer.

I heard from him again this afternoon since I haven't really been talking to him for the past few days.To his credit, he apologised. But that's where it ends. He didn't apologise for burdening me when I've specifically asked him not to, nor for overstepping boundaries, or his overall behaviour. Nope, he apologised because my silence must mean that I'm so incredibly worried about him, that I just can't handle the stress of it all. To me, this just demonstrates how everything is about him.

I really feel that I need to fade away from him now.

[Rainagain]

I think your instincts are exactly right.

[songbirdrosa]

I know it's been a while, but I just thought I'd post an update on here, since some fairly significant developments have taken place.

*TW - emotional abuse*
It took a long time, but I finally came to realise and accept that what he was doing was actually emotional abuse. Threatening to hurt himself to get attention. Blaming others for his pain. Making others responsible for his wellbeing. Clinginess, refusing help when he asked for it, trying to control every aspect of the friendship and make it on his terms alone. And many, many other things. So of course, since I've been through similar circumstances various times before, this realisation triggered a major EF and I just couldn't cope.
*end TW*

This all happened mid-January, and since then I've avoided contact with him at all costs. He's tried to reinitiate a few times, but I've made it inescapably clear that I'm not playing his game any longer and that he needs to stay away. I'm still feeling the repercussions of that particular episode and I'm not jeopardising my recovery for him.

[Three Roses]

  Good for you! 

[Blueberry]

  

[sanmagic7]

well, congrats to you, songbird.  way to go.  i love when we finally get those realizations that help free us.  so glad for you.