I just need to get this out of my chest

[BlancaLap]

I know that for some of you it may seem like a silly thing, but it really pissed me off.

I was explaining to the university's psychilogist my experience, what I have lived, the fact that I have been unable to "see" the social context around me, that I have been unable to understand how social interactions work, the meaning behind the social stuff... like, when I was young I used to think people wanted to be with the cool kids because they were cool, but now I know it is because they are good people, good friends, and they make people feel good; and things like "why did they make me bullying" went from having a "because I'm a weirdo" for answer to have no answer.

And after telling her all of this she started to tell me that what I say was wrong, that nobody can "see" what I saw. And I was like: "sooooo, you, the psychologist, are practically saying that my experience, what I remember, isn't real... cool cool" I was really pissed off, and she told me things like: "that's impossible" "everybody sees the "social context" differently" "people make gifts not because they like each other but because they want the other person to give them gifts too" "people want to be with the popular kids because they are popular"... and she started to get defensive and when I said I used to do (and still do I think) "weird stuff" and I didn't like it, she says that "I have the right to do weird stuff if I want" and I was about to tell her: "that's not the point, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about doing weird stuff because I'm not aware of the "social unwritten laws, I'm talking about the things people see and I don't, the things I used to see and now I don't, I'm talking about the fact that don't seeing them make me question me what to do every second"

It was like she was trying to prove something, something like: "it's not your fault if you are weird, you can do whatever you want" and that's not the point, that's not why I went to see her. And every * time she was interrupting me. And when I told her I was emotionally numb because I had so much pain I didn't feel anything, she was like: "what is that, that doesn't make sense. You have so much pain that you don't feel pain? That doesn't make sense". And I told her I had problems being aware of temperature and physical pain, and she told me something like: "but you're wearing a jacket, that means you actually feel the temperature, hahahahahaha" and she started laughing and I was like: can you please listen to me without saying that what I'm saying is wrong, incorrect or not true? I was so pissed off.

[Rainagain]

Hi
It doesn't sound to me like the person is a psychologist, there are lots of important features in what you have written that should give anyone with proper training clues to ask you more about.

I'm no expert but my psychiatrist sent me a dissociation screening form today and one question was 'some people find that they are able to ignore pain, how often does this happen to you'

Its called the dissociative experiences scales, it might be online somewhere.

You could complete it, roll it up tightly, go see this person again and prod them with it.....

No wonder you are angry, for someone in a position to help you to be so dismissive is outrageous.

[sanmagic7]

i don't blame you for being angry about that.  she kept denying your personal experience, like she knows how everyone is supposed to feel, think. be, etc.    sorry you went thru that, blanca.   big hug to you.

[bogan]

I worked in mental health for 10 years. I was told when I started (by a psychologist) "most psychologists study psyc to try and diagnose them selfs" sounds like you met one of these. first thing they are supposed to learn is that if its real for you its real. The T doesnt sound real bright, as most people on this site could relate to being numb emotionally from the pain, Im weird and have accepted that is who I am, and most likely aways will be.

[BlancaLap]

Thank you Rainagain, sanmagic7 and tasman, I guess that's what I needed to hear, that my experience is valid.

[ah]

Sounds like she maybe was trying to get you to see how wonderful life is and that everything is good  you know, trying to give you the feeling that everything is okay and you're okay just the way you are, but in trying to do that she was blind and deaf to your real, valid, honest pain.
Being in a lot of pain is not okay, and when our pain is ignored it's doubly painful, we feel invisible and in danger.

It seems like she didn't listen to you at all, or understand what you were trying to say. No wonder you felt so frustrated!

I've had similar conversations when I was your age, I remember trying to talk to people and being misunderstood, people assuming I was just a typical young person with normal existential questions, and they responded in a shallow sort of way and I understood they're not good enough listeners, not sensitive enough, and also not knowledgeable enough to realize what trauma and pain are. They didn't ask questions or have the curiosity to dig deeper to understand what I was saying. They saw me frozen, dissociating, and interpreted it as "teenage angst" or "introverted" or what have you. They didn't understand. They didn't have enough knowledge to see what was in front of them.

But your experience is very, very valid.
And there are better psychologists out there. 

[BlancaLap]

Sounds like she maybe was trying to get you to see how wonderful life is and that everything is good  you know, trying to give you the feeling that everything is okay and you're okay just the way you are, but in trying to do that she was blind and deaf to your real, valid, honest pain.
Being in a lot of pain is not okay, and when our pain is ignored it's doubly painful, we feel invisible and in danger.

It seems like she didn't listen to you at all, or understand what you were trying to say. No wonder you felt so frustrated!

I've had similar conversations when I was your age, I remember trying to talk to people and being misunderstood, people assuming I was just a typical young person with normal existential questions, and they responded in a shallow sort of way and I understood they're not good enough listeners, not sensitive enough, and also not knowledgeable enough to realize what trauma and pain are. They didn't ask questions or have the curiosity to dig deeper to understand what I was saying. They saw me frozen, dissociating, and interpreted it as "teenage angst" or "introverted" or what have you. They didn't understand. They didn't have enough knowledge to see what was in front of them.

But your experience is very, very valid.
And there are better psychologists out there. 

Thanks ah, I think the same way. Sorry to hear you have been through similar experiences. No wonder people don't understand trauma, it is something you have to go through to understand. When I talk to people about this they just assume I'm insecure, but that's not the real problem; the real problem is that I'm dissociated, and I'm dissociated because my brain thinks I'm still in danger. In the end, dissociation is that, an attempt by your brain to get away from danger when danger is inevitable. But we are not insecure persons, we are not shy or introvert, we are dissociated. Maybe it looks like the same thing, but it's not. I know deep down I'm a really sociable and exteovert person, because that's my real self. I can't explain it but when I got out of dissociation, when I used to get out, when I could, that's what I saw in myself. What people see is not me. This is not the real me. Right now I don't have a "me", and at the same time I have it, but it's hidden deep inside of me and I can't reach it. I wish people could understand this and try actively to make me feel I'm safe.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi your experience sounds horrible and I know if that was me I wouldn't want to go back and see her. She comes across us unprofessional and I would have to think twice as if she's a good match for you, I totally get what you're saying and the fact that she doesn't and even laughs at you would make me question her even more. What you're saying is totally understandable it's just a shame that she clearly doesn't get it, hope you can move forward with this.

[BlancaLap]

Hi your experience sounds horrible and I know if that was me I wouldn't want to go back and see her. She comes across us unprofessional and I would have to think twice as if she's a good match for you, I totally get what you're saying and the fact that she doesn't and even laughs at you would make me question her even more. What you're saying is totally understandable it's just a shame that she clearly doesn't get it, hope you can move forward with this.

Thanks Eyessoblue.