Free from our past

[Lingurine]

I was just thinking, what do we do to get free from our past?
For me, I try to live in reality, the present, as much as possible. Still, I struggle with this idea and wanted to explore this further with you all. So, free from all kinds of technics that obscure us from staying in the present, is this possible for you and what ways to free your mind, works for you?

I'm just curious.

Lingurine

[Three Roses]

Great question! Nothing comes to mind, haha, I'll have to think about this one....

[woodsgnome]

I've tried zillions of times to follow this, that, or the other formula or technique and they all seemed to land me back on square one.

In recent years I've read lots about the value of acceptance and tried to apply it; it doesn't cast the pain or memories aside entirely, but it seems to aid in soothing them a bit. Acceptance is not resignation to what happened, like some might imagine. Instead you're recognizing that the past, awful as it was, is only a starting point and that one can still improve one's prospects despite that history. It's easier said than done, but for me I think it's helped soothe the rough emotional jolts the memories often produce.

Acceptance just acknowledges that the bad times were turbulent, can still affect me with wicked flashbacks and other troubles, but needn't control me  forever. That it sometimes seems to isn't a sign of failure, only a reminder that the past is really left behind now, that I'm in my new 'movie'; where I'm free to devise my own script and scenario. While the old memories can (and do) still haunt, my accepting them more seems actually to defuse them somewhat.

Acceptance doesn't cleanse or cure the past, it just points out the difference between then and now. Bottom line: 'they' (the abusers) can't get me anymore...I will probably still tremble, cry, and rage at the memories. They can't be eliminated, much as I've tried. Trying to shoo all that leftover pain away forever can be counterproductive and make them worse than they really are. So it takes lots of grit and patience to prevail and accept what can/can't be done.

While acceptance won't eliminate the hurt emotional residue, it might make it easier to somehow move on from it. Instead of always fighting the past, accepting it can prevent those vivid memories from fanning into flames of further emotional turmoil over a past that can't be changed.

I don't really want to accept my past, but doing so, despite the pain and shame, has helped me build a better present for when the next storm hits. What's really bothersome is that it's the victims, once again, who have to put in so much work to unravel the cruelties foisted upon them.

[Lingurine]

I do believe we can be free partially. In life, we can construct and build a life that feels less manipulated by others (like our abusers) and we can and will have a mind of our own, although for a lot of us, it takes years to find our voice. Buried under the voices of our abusers, we do intent to rise like a feniks, to explore our own feelings and have our own voice. Part of being able to use mine is that, like you wrote so eloquently woodsgnome, I accept that it's hard to find it, because of the abuse. I see it as a lifelong journey.

Finding my voice is freedom for me. Being able to say no and leave it at that. Accept that that was then and this is now. Acceptance is, also for me, an answer to the abuse. Because, we want the bad stuff to go away, but the good stuff to stay. We can't erase the bad memories, so we better know them and work through them and not bury them under new layers of denial, in order to let the good memories comfort us in areas where we were lacked.

Setting our abusers free and leave them and never look back, is also very freeing to me. They are still in my head, but never here physically, and that's a relief.

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

part of freeing myself from the past is learning to rid myself of all this sadness i've carried around for so many years.  just the other day i found myself sobbing with the thought that no where along the line has anyone protected me.  i've had to get strong enough to protect myself at all times, and it's ongoing.  i don't know if i'll ever be un-sad about what i've missed, lost, or what was never given to me that i needed and deserved.

i susspect there's still anger under the sadness that i haven't been able to readh yet.  dealing with life day to day often takes up a lot of the energy i'd otherwise spend on exploring these areas.  i have begun tapping for myself lately, and i think it may be a way to more easily work on this.  no t in sight yet, but i'm sure i could use the help.

thanks, lingurine, for starting this.  it pushed me to think a little more in depth about this.  big hug.

[Lingurine]

I truly would be exited when more people would write about this subject, recovery, to gather ideas about it, in general. Let's embrace the desire to be free from our past and no longer nurture our trauma bonds. It's time to encourage each other to be free, I think.
For me, I like to know everything there is to know about, what the dance of destruction includes and I want to be cunning these days, to beat potential abusers at their own game, by understanding mistakes I made in the past and turn everything around on them.
The best thing for me to be free is to don't offer them supply.

Lingurine

[BlancaLap]

Staying in the present, being ablw to differentiate present from past and grieving, (I think) that's the best you can do. Good luck!

[M.R.]

At the moment I don't have a lot of skills to be able to stay in the present. I have actually gotten worse in the past few weeks to where any change in sound or air pressure (like when a door opens) etc has me freaking out. But one thing I have always turned to is music. I use it to desensitize from life. I am so hyper aware in my everyday life that it causes extreme tension which causes headaches and migraines. Music drowns out life so that I can relax even if its just .5%. Plus I find comfort in music.

[Resca]

I don't have anything to contribute right now, probably because I'm going through a bit of a rough patch But I wanted to tell you all how much I value this community and this discussion in particular.

woodsgnome: Your post was truly inspiring. I'm bookmarking it to come back to when I'm feeling a bit more myself. Thank you so much.

sanmagic: We meet again! I've had meltdowns over that exact same thought, so sending hugs and love your way because it's a tough moment to get through. I hope to have your same reaction next time; to know that I have to protect myself now, just as you've said.

Lingurine: Thank you for starting this and sharing your strength with us. You're right: it's time to be free. I hope that you and everyone else here can find that freedom and support each other toward that goal.