The Helpless Syndrome

[moonlightnanana]

In social situations, I'm kind of... useless?

I freeze. 

For example, I am a part of a dance team. Our team was in charge of setting  up our venue for a festival.
When people need to solve problems, i.e. "Did you see xxx, where is she?" "What should we do with this extra flag?" I feel awkward helping other people / getting involved. I reeeeallly don't want people to see me make a mistake    .... I know it makes no sense.

So I don't really help that much. I can help move items to the stage or whatever, but as in collaborating with people to solve problems, I can't seem to trust my own judgement at all, and I feel like I have no opinion. "How can what I think be right?" I feel. And then I can't logically think in a way that would help .. and then I feel stupid because I want to be useful to others and I want to collaborate in groups.. but there's just this mental block within me that keeps me away from putting myself and my ideas forward.

I can think when I am alone, but with people... damn I either conform so damn much or just kind of fade into the background.

And I'm frankly tired of this because it's not who I am!!! 

Sure I can lightly joke and have conversations with people, but when it comes to problem solving I just get so scared. Admitting this makes me feel so weak because I'd love to be that strong person who knows what to do and knows how to make things happen and communicate with anymore... but I'm just so passive it makes me feel sad.

One thing that happened over the summer was, I was riding in the car with three guys, and they asked if I could give them directions back to my place to drop me off.
I felt so embarassed because I viewed these guys as  "cool" and I didn't want to assert myself in front of them... so I acted like I didn't know how to help him find his way to my house. Actually I'm so bad at helping people navigate on roads using google maps, and I knew these people would make fun of me...
And then after acting like I didn't know the way back (seriously, when I need to step up and take responsibility for even something minor like this I really just .... I really just want to hide) one of the guys said to me bluntly,
"You know you're not as helpless as you act."

Damn those words hit through me like a knife and it hurt. He was one of the few people who saw right through me... it really  hurt. 

I want to be the cool girl who helps others but I always rely on other people to help me and it makes me feel so horrible... why can't I take care of things?

[Dee]

Be gentle on yourself.  I have been passive in a different way, doing everything anyone tells me to do regardless of my own opinion.  For me I know I was groomed to be that way and I spent a lifetime perfecting it.  It was what I did to survive.  I don't know your story, though you may have shared it, but I suspect your behavior comes from it.

The first thing to do is be aware of it, I think you got that.  Now look at what you need to do to change it.  It takes time and practice and you will make mistakes.  Just make note of it and move on.

This last week I was doing something when a guy took over.  I was doing fine, but I just let him take over.  Then he asked me to take pictures and I did.  I didn't want to take pictures, I wanted to participate.  So I stood back, taking pictures, crying.  What I learned from that is, I still have work to do.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with dee about being programmed in some way to not trust ourselves.  if we were always told that our decisions were wrong, we have nothing solid to pull from. 

this can happen adulthood as well.  i've met so many people who, if you ask 'what do you want to eat' will almost automatically reply 'it doesn't matter' or 'i don't care'.  too often this stems from having a decision stomped on by someone who asked the question in the first place.  if you actually said what you wanted to eat, and they responded, 'o, i don't want that, let's eat this instead', and that kind of thing happened enough times, you just shut down. 

i don't know if any of this pertains to you, but i do know that i came to adulthood with no opinions on anything.  i was always told what to do and was expected to obey blindly, no questions asked.  my thoughts/opinions were denied continuously until i simply buried them. 

it is a matter of survival as we believed it to be.  be gentle on yourself, indeed.  this is a slow, sometimes tedious process, but i do believe that as you continue in recovery, you'll get to where you want to go.  sending you a hug filled with confidence.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Oh dear, I relate to this so freaking much.
I hate how conforming I am, just doing whatever I'm told, or not being able to speak my own thoughts when I have heaps buzzing around in my head.
And I can recall exactly where this habit has come from, all the times my FOO told me my opinions were wrong, every single time and I was better off just doing whatever they asked even if I could see it was an extremely bad decision.

i don't know if any of this pertains to you, but i do know that i came to adulthood with no opinions on anything.  i was always told what to do and was expected to obey blindly, no questions asked.  my thoughts/opinions were denied continuously until i simply buried them. 

^ Basically that.

I'm still trying to work out how to express my own thoughts without fearing judgement.  But I hope you will be able to figure out how to alleviate all this and be able to freely express yourself. It will be so invigorating, I'm sure.
You're not alone with this.

[alliematt]

Ohhh, do I hear that!  I also deal with similar feelings.  You are definitely not alone here!

[moonlightnanana]

Sorry for the late response!
I truly appreciate everyone's comments :']


It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

[BlancaLap]

Maybe you have emotional numbness? I don't know... it's just that I have it and I relate to your post... and I think I have it's because of that...