Recent Re-traumatization-My Story (Trigger Warning!)

[rosemarie]

Trigger Warning - Emotional and Sexual Abuse

SO, yesterday as I wrote a post I realized how much I am minimizing and repressing what I just went through with the last narc BF I finally got away from a few weeks ago ( ). My freeze response can really paralyze me, and he knew about it and was INTENTIONALLY using it to abuse (torture) me. What a sick disgusting jerk, there really aren't enough curses or words in any human language to describe our trauma. That's something I heard someone say in a video recently. It's not just our that our language center shuts down, language in insufficient. I just want to acknowledge both of those things for those of us who have ever felt silenced, stupid, or unable to express something out loud. I sure have, but I'll try.

So last night after I had seen what my mind was really stuck doing, minimizing what this guy had done, because I'm 'used to it', it was 'nonviolent' rape, and 'I've experienced worse' it just all really hit me. I see how we can be set up for future abuse, to expect less, to have been conditioned to deal with it and dissociate and freeze (for me) and fawn (also me). How if it started before we had access to language or the ability to run away we can keep getting paralyzed again and again (a resource helped me learn this). How we can keep blaming ourselves over and over and over when it happens. How creative my own mind is at doing this. When what really happened is a sick * took advantage of me and purposefully learned about my trauma, pretended to care, then used my own body's maladaptations and triggers to put me through a living * all over again. How this makes him an absolute monster. Not me. I'm not bad. I refuse to keep accepting that nonsense regardless of how much it was drilled in to me as a child and triggered and used against me thereafter. Not anymore. This ends with me.

I laid down to sleep, so exhausted, and barely getting any rest these days from overblown stress response system and being victimized and abused and trapped again, and my poor mindbody starting to unravel and process it all and get triggered again to release it. I've been doing a lot of iRest Yoga Nidra practices and they somatically release trauma and let it out of the body, often through twitches and convulsions. Well, last night they were almost like a slow motion seizure. Violent, intense bursts where my legs would kick or my arms fly or torso convulse. And I just relaxed and let them go, cause it's a release, a blessing. And eventually I realized how that sick * was raping me. And I realized it was the frozen fight response trapped in my body releasing itself, so I started fighting the air and the bed and the pillows and yelling and screaming 'no' and 'help' and just letting out the anger and crying as much as I could.

The narrative...(graphic)

It went from something that was good to feeling like I had been raped. I confronted him, he insincerely apologized, but I was already trauma bonded, I slipped right back into the old pathways as soon as he did this, and he had complete control. I had to take the 'Plan B' pill and it messed up all my hormones since, bringing back chronic pelvic pain that had almost gone away (which is back now). I'm sure all the rape hasn't helped that either and it's left me with pain and discomfort now from chronic yeast infections that are back as well. All of this is statistically related to sexual trauma.  any time we were having sex, whether I 'wanted to' (questioning if I really EVER did I was so brainwashed) or not (when he would touch me and not respond to me pushing him away until I just froze and gave up) he kept doing this. Keeping me in a constant state of fear that he was going to impregnate me. He actually did a couple of times, or I was convinced he did as I being re-triggered about a seriously traumatic miscarriage I had five years ago that feels as if it was the most emotionally painful experience I've had in my whole life (worse than any abuse). He knew about this too so he knew what he was doing to me. And he knew having to take any hormone pills physically destabilizes me as well as seriously mentally destabilizes me (can't take BC ever). He stole my autonomy and power and pleasure and this went on and on for the three or four months I was pretty much living with him. In the beginning I would wake up in the morning dissociated, come out of the freeze response, and escape back to my mom's house for a little while until he would hoover me back again and again. He used withholding of affection all day long to get me to give in to his abuse as I was starving for anything at that point, and get me to blame myself.

I escaped less and less and my health got worse and worse. Until finally, one night at a bar, this guy who knew him came up and made him look like the pathetic piece of trash he is, and his sad disgusting little ego was so wounded, and I just found him so pathetic. The guy wouldn't let it go and was kind of annoying me, after the BF had walked away with a severely wounded narcissistic ego (scary, when is the rage gonna drop?), he made me tell him about my remarkable life and positive qualities and kept saying "so what are you doing with this guy?" and later, repeating, "how's that working out for you?" when I was anywhere near him again. He wouldn't let it go, he even seemed smug. It worked, I was pissed at him because I couldn't come up with any reason I was with my BF anymore. It woke me up out of the denial I had been wrestling with for months. He knew the BF and he wasn't one of his flying monkeys or prey. Maybe he's not even a really a good guy himself and was trying to 'win me' or something, but that night he helped me see I was choosing this on some level, that I had the power, and that my BF was disgusting. All of a sudden I didn't want any affection from my BF anymore, I just lost all the false respect (that kind that's really fear) I had for him. I couldn't pretend anymore, I was already so exhausted of the cognitive dissonance and Stockholm syndrome and abuse. I already have educated myself in the past a lot on narcissistic abuse and healed from so much that those messages were coming through the fog off and on anyways. When we got home he tried to save face, his stupid friends were there doing drugs with him and making fun of that guy. He tried to kiss me and tell me he loved me (LIE) and I just kept recoiling from him. I went to bed and he was in the living room with his friends. He tried to come in and kiss me and he could see he had lost me, that that guy had helped me see who he really is.

And even though I was kinda of frozen and couldn't run away it just made me despise him more. He tried to have sex with me later and I didn't let him somehow. I was still too scared to leave or frozen maybe, and I had been drinking a little bit earlier and didn't want to drive. I just didn't even let him hold me when I slept, which is when he pretends he loves me after not touching me all day. I was so far away from him in my mind he couldn't even abuse me, or I maybe got lucky. I also had this thought form in my mind like, that guy is right, this is not how you treat women (he had scolded BF to his face and somehow seen like everything I was dissatisfied with about his selfishness, it was awesome!) and that there are men who don't do this. BF was also super drunk and high on drugs anyways and passed out pretty hard (he's a drug dealer, scum of the earth kind). The next morning he was out cold, I mean his ego had taken a huge blow and he overdid it for sure and I packed all my things and just left.

When I contacted him a few days later and said what he had done wasn't ok, he tried to gaslight me, tell me I was psychotic and made it up. I wasn't having it and he switched to tactics to "maybe" he was just drunk and "maybe" he just wanted to kiss me. Um WHAT? Which is it *? I went off at that point. I just told him what I really thought of him, the real him, that he's disgusting, he makes money off of taking advantage of other people, he's a hollow person, he isn't even interesting, he has no ambitions except to feed of the pain of others, etc. I stood up for myself, my positive qualities, I had some self esteem. How I have travelled the world and studied art and nutrition and therapies so I can actually help other people with this knowledge and how I have already helped many survivors to this day. I just got my identity back finally. I feel like I ripped him apart for the horrible abusive coward he was. Every time he tried to put me down I turned the truth right back around on him. I felt some guilt after my blow up and I was blocking him and unblocking him a couple times.

He didn't try to get to me come back directly this time though, so I KNOW he was waiting for me to apologize for 'freaking out' on him, as usual. (Mechanism of narc: drive someone to insanity with abuse and then watch them have a breakdown, stay cool, and get them to apologize and come back cause they actually have a conscience). All he said was he 'just couldn't take me freaking out anymore.' All I could think was good, cause there's no way I'm stopping if I'm around your abuse, I can't control being triggered like that. I had two slip ups where I missed him and texted him (withdrawl), but he was asleep (sleeps all day like a vampire and had been controlling my sleep and food intake too) so I came to my senses and would re-block him before he woke up again. Plus one of those was when he was hoovering and pretending to be a 'good guy' and I got him to drop off some of my stuff without even having to open the door or see him. Didn't fall for the good guy act, the hoovering, the gaslighting, any of it, thank the goddess.

And thank that man who had seen me with this guy like a couple dozen times probably and finally said something to help me wake up and empower myself. Whether or not he's someone I can actually trust (cause I don't) I can only think of him as a guardian angel. I'm super freaked out that he is another narcissist in reality so I'm too scared to even take the risk and thank him at this point, but maybe it took another jerk with a huge ego to take down this one and he didn't push my boundaries just smiled back when I saw him a couple of weeks later at a gas station.

Whew I'm tired, I'm going to go take really good care of myself now like the queen I am! Whatever I need I'm going to give it to myself and probably cry a lot as I have been off and on while writing. I practiced staying in my body and feelings while writing this because it's easier to just go numb and had to keep pulling myself in and out of dissociation, compassionately of course. Cause I want to stop doing that, I HAVE TO STOP doing that or this can happen again. I'm committed to not ignoring those little red flags anymore because although I don't blame myself for any of this now, it's when I ignore the warning signs that I start to give away my power and it is just too dangerous for me to do that, I lose myself so quickly with these NPD/BPD manipulative abusive types. It's hard enough not to if you haven't been abused all your life, let alone when you have and they are intentionally using it against you. Whew.

Thank you for being my witness. I appreciate you even reading this and also would love to hear your feedback if you have any. 

[Three Roses]

Way to go! You're getting your strength and identity back! Really powerful testimony, thanks for sharing this. Good job, you! 

[Morashika]

I do not want to believe that I have seen this article.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Morashika! Care to elaborate?