No escape

[sigiriuk]

As a child, if I performed well, I would be denigrated by both adopted parents.
If I performed poorly at any task, i would be criticised and attcked.
If I did not perform, I would be criticised and attacked.
Attacks meant screaming fits at me, physcial abuse, and sexual abuse.

Nowadays I seem to be stuck back there, terrified, alone, unable to act, frightened of being screamed at and attacked
Slim X

[Dee]

Try to practice some self care.  Use you 5 senses, ground yourself.  Do something nice for you.  Go for a walk, or go out for coffee.  Be in the present, make a point of it.  Affirmations are awesome.  "I am a capable adult."  "I make good decisions."

[sigiriuk]

Thx Dee

[BlancaLap]

OMG! That's horrible... I'm so sorry. It is the same with me. It feels like you are in the same situation: alone, scare, helpless, hopeless... it's like the present are the past are not separated, that one is the other, that the abuse didn't have an end... you feel anxious, without knowing what to do... I hope you find the help you need. Good luck!

[ah]

Hi Slim,

I'm so sorry, that sounds unbearable and very very familiar to me.

I've been thinking about this lately, and I've come to slowly realize that I have such a strong urge to feel I had some minuscule level of control over being treated like you were, so I kept trying to get it right. I tried this way, then that way, then thought of a new angle... but the truth is, no matter what I'd have done I'd be tortured. What I did made no difference, because I was never even seen. I'd have been tortured just for existing, because torturing was what my FOO knew best.

It's really hard to think of it this way, it leaves me so vulnerable I could scream. But I think we really were. We couldn't get it right because getting it right and being validated was never one of the options on the table.

It's so hard to act, to make the smallest decision. I'm filled with self doubt, and I keep expecting to be attacked no matter what I do. And I think that's the key - that there was no way to win in this deranged game except to stop playing, which we couldn't do as kids. Now as an adult I'm trying... slowly... gradually, to stop playing with my tortured mind. To let it shout at me and say "... bleh". Ideally. I'm still very far away from being able to do that, but I'm trying to think it through as an option.

It's unbearable to me to think of you as a child, being so alone. I wish I could go back to young Slim and just keep you company and witness what you went through, even if I didn't have any power to stop it. Just to have one person who saw you.