Hey friends

[FallenSeraph]

Possible tw: describing in light detail the things that have been said to me, brief self-harm/suicidal thoughts mention, brief eating disorder mention

Hey what's up guys/gals/non-binary pals? It's an ungodly time in the morning and I haven't slept yet "tonight", thought "Why not join that support forum I saw ages ago?" out of nowhere, so now here I am making a generic intro post thingy.

So yeah I guess info about myself?? First off I feel like I'm a baby compared to most of y'all on here at the ripe young age of 18, and I'm currently struggling to get through my first semester of college. It's been... not great tbh. But I'm still alive! Huzzah! 

To do so I moved away from SoCal (where I've lived my whole life) to Oregon, which has been an interesting adjustment. It actually dropped below 50 degrees (F) during the day this week!  It's not even winter yet! And there's no In-N-Out  That's just silly surface stuff obviously, but still. Things are Different™.

The real adjustment is trying to figure out how to live an actual life after being raised in an incredibly controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive home environment. My whole life has been characterized by being incredibly "gifted" academically yet being rendered completely useless with basic life skills like cooking, laundry, etc., because my parents always did everything for me that I'd need to take care of myself so that they could push me harder when it came to school. I've never made any of my own appointments or anything; my mother has legitimately pretended to be me on the phone before to get things done without me.

So now idk How To Adult, and that whole "gifted" thing never panned out either; I'm super ADHD, so focusing on homework and getting things done has always been a huge struggle and source of conflict at home. I was able to skate by for a while based on "being smart" but now I'm pretty much at the same level as everyone else, and floundering hardcore. I'm currently working on finally getting treatment/medication for it (my mother was always one of those "I'm not giving my child drugs!!" parents, but did literally nothing else to help me cope w/ my disorder), but it's slow going.

If it wasn't obvious yet, I've been dealing with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse when it comes to school stuff pretty much my whole life. Basically, being told that I'm just being lazy, that I'm "so smart" that my work should be easy for me, how they couldn't believe I didn't understand something so simple, that I just needed to shut up and do it instead of "acting like a brat". Essentially, crying is stupid and a waste of time and there's no way I could be upset by the fact that focusing on stuff I'm not interested in physically pains me, I must be throwing fits because I'm just not willing to put in hard work. I know I'm being kind of broad here, but this is just a basic intro to my life so. Trust me when I say that actually experiencing this was a lot worse than it sounds.

On top of that I also have to deal with my parents fighting each other 24/7. I honestly am not even sure about what exactly most of the time, usually it's money but it's equally likely that an argument is about something small and irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. They still haven't split though, which I think is kind of stupid because I've literally never seen them give any indication of even liking each other as people, let alone being interested in each other as partners. They seem content to keep on being miserable with each other though, and to keep dragging their kids into it, because that's totally healthy.  This didn't help tensions in the house, cause I used to be so upset by them fighting that I would deliberately act out to get them to be pissed at me instead of each other. That definitely screwed me up a bit.

A whole lot of other stuff has happened with them besides that but I honestly don't remember most of it until it's immediately relevant. It feels like we just don't get along, and the reasons aren't super apparent. So now I'm dealing with ADHD, depression, anxiety, and cptsd (most likely, none of this has been formally diagnosed besides the adhd), without full clarity about what interactions with my parents were traumatic and what triggers are going to pop up.

This post is getting rather long and possibly nonsensical (I started this at 3 and it's quarter to 7 now omg im tired), so I'll keep this section brief, but I wanted to add a quick list of other life things that will probably come up in future posts.

• I have a lot of trauma surrounding religion that I don't like to get into much, but mostly because I'm gay and trans and basically was told myself and everyone I love are going to * (there's other stuff too but that's the gist of it).
• I struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts a lot, mostly due to feelings frustration and hopelessness towards my place in capitalism/society.
• I have a very loving boyfriend back home in SoCal who makes having to go home and stay with my parents during the holidays a little more bearable I adore him tbh. The only part that sucks is that he's in a very similar situation to me, so I'm not just dealing with my own awful life, but also I end up being sad a lot that I can't help him much with his or be with him in person as much as I'd like. He helps out with my breakdowns and stuff all the time though so it's worth it.
• A lot more people than just my parents have let me down and compacted all those issues. So many trust issues. So many.
• I struggle with a lot of body issues and an unspecified/diagnosed eating disorder as well, a lot of it bc of things my mother told me about my weight

So yeah, that's my life in a "brief", awful summary. I'm almost definitely forgetting some stuff that's important but oh well. I mostly just wanted to get an intro out of the way so that I could use this place if I need to. Idk how often that will be (esp. considering I'm not allowed to swear?? This post alone has been so hard to write... what do you mean f-bombs aren't punctuation??  ) but who knows.  You'll probably see me around I guess.

Thanks for reading. ^^

[Three Roses]

...what do you mean f-bombs aren't punctuation??

First of all, a hearty welcome to you! Secondly, swearing is allowed in the following ways:
Type the word and just do a preview before you post to make sure the filter caught it. Don't substitute symbols for letters, if you can't use the whole, real word then let the filter change it to *.

Button mashing, however, is allowed. Example: %~¿¢#/+!!

I'm sorry to hear your religion condemns you for who you feel is the real you. We humans do some awful things to each other, in confusion. (I'm a Christian.)

I look forward to hearing more from you! Thanks for joining. 

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Fallen Seraph.

I once was sent to roam the halls of *--only it was called a religious school. Somehow I retained a sense of the spiritual but it's taken decades to wash off the sludge left from the hateful religion part. I've only recently come to understand what happened--they didn't know what they were doing--a complete paradox to what they thought they were about. But it's been torture to get to this space where I can shove them aside and concentrate on my own direction now.

Language is interesting--so many of the words that many regard as holy are massive triggers for me; it's all that association with the band of renegade religious fakes. Lots of resentment yet, but learning like so much else to let them go.

Therapy has helped, albeit it's very hard to find a compatible fit sometimes; T's come in varying degrees of competence, it appears. But another huge part has been using this site/forum to realize that 1)it's not so lonely here; 2)you're allowed to find, and be--yourself; and 3)be surprised, but grateful, for the depth of understanding and just plain caring that exists here.

Welcome again! 

[Blueberry]

Welcome Fallen Seraph! 

I suffered a lot of verbal and emotional abuse growing up too. I know that these things can feel far far worse than we can ever get across in words. I think a lot of people on here will get that, even if lots of people off the forum don't.
Hope to see you around the forum!

Blueberry

[LittleBird]

Thanks for sharing your story FallenSeraph, good to have you on board!

I'm sorry to hear it's been tough during your first semester. As if moving and adjusting to a new environment wasn't hard enough, you're going through so much more on top of that.

Religious abuse is rotten  I've experienced it too and it can be very tough to talk about.

I hope you can find some time to rest and keep warm because tiredness and discomfort can add to all the tension.

[Sceal]

Hello!

I just wanted to join in and greet you to the forum.
It sounds like you have alot on your plate right now, and hopefully this forum will be able to relieve some of the pressure for you by sharing or reading.

I hope you'll have a good week-end. 

[FallenSeraph]

I don't have the energy today to reply to all of you individually unfortunately, but thank you all for the kind responses. ^^  I really appreciate that.

[BlancaLap]

"Essentially, crying is stupid and a waste of time and there's no way I could be upset by the fact that..." OMG that is basically what my parents tell me and I hate it SO much. I'm sorry you passes through all of that and I hope you recover soon. Hugs!

[LittleBird]

No problem! Sounds like it's exhausting times - take it easy, come back when you feel able 

[goth_mike]

A different background to my own, but still very relate-able.  I reckon that your obvious high intelligence will be a help here - you've already got a head start on most people!  I've only just begun to identify the real issues and I'm 31, so much respect for both recognising the issue and even more for actively taking steps to recovery.  You may even find that the other "disorders" are CPTSD symptoms instead of problems in their own right...  Peace and love from across the Atlantic!

[bran_alastar]

Hey there!  I'm a newbie here (been lurking), but had to jump in and root for you.  First off, huge kudos for working on this stuff now.  No time too soon or too late, but the sooner you start in on the big stuff, the sooner you can start building a happy, healthy life.   

I recognize a lot of what you're struggling with.  I'm 37, trans guy, married w/ kids, Wiccan, depression/ADHD, with messed up divorced parents.  My mom and my wife both have borderline personality disorder (and isn't that fun?).  My mom was pretty abusive and we're now estranged; my dad did his best but it wasn't that great.  My family was definitely of the "I'm not giving my kids meds!!!" school, and just pushed me to "do better."  My depression wasn't diagnosed and treated till my 20s, the ADHD till my 30s-- and I didn't deal with the gender stuff until a few years ago (also not fun).  So believe me when I say, good job getting to work on all this in your teens!

ADHD is miserable, and differently miserable for otherwise gifted people (which it sounds like you are, and I like to think I am).  ADHD looks, and feels, pretty much just like being "lazy", except you can't just decide to be less lazy.  I remember trying to describe the feeling that if I just tried harder, I could do the work on my plate-- but I was trying the hardest I knew, and it just didn't happen.  When I was first prescribed stimulants, I had the remarkable experience of deciding to do something and then doing it.  That had never happened before, in my life.  It was almost as remarkable as when I started antidepressants, and went a whole month without wanting to die. 

High school, college, and graduate school (yeah, I did that), I alternately got As and Bs without effort, and failed when I needed to expend effort and couldn't.  I failed out of college as a sophomore and had to take a year off. Career?  My performance is all over the place-- great success at the hard stuff that's interesting, abysmal failure at the easy stuff that's boring.  Family life? My greatest hope is that I will make better mistakes than my own parents; my greatest fear is that I've already made worse ones.

But, now, I go months without being clinically depressed. My lowest low in my 30s is better than my best day in my teens.  I can't focus well on everything, every day, but I can focus well enough on most things, most days.  Psychopharmacology isn't the be-all end-all of happiness but, for many of us, it's necessary.  (And, as an aside, top surgery was life-changing.)

Biggest life lesson from all of that? This, too, shall pass.  In high school they told me if I didn't buckle down and learn to work harder, I'd never get anywhere-- it wasn't true.  In college, they said if I messed up, or dropped out, I'd never get anywhere-- it wasn't true.  The first time I didn't get into grad school, they told me I should find a different career-- definitely not 100% true (though, in hindsight, not wholly incorrect).  I could go on, but those are the milestones most relevant to your life.

Get meds, get therapy, it helps.  You can, and should, make huge mistakes, take your time, screw it all up, and ignore everyone's advice.  I regret my mistakes less than many of my successes-- I learned more from them, and they worked out better in the end.  You should learn to be kind before you learn to be serious, learn to do good before you learn to do well.  Don't let people prod you to make progress before you know where you want to go.  Progress in the wrong direction takes you further from your goals.  If you've got food and a roof over your head, it's not an emergency.  As long as you're alive, the rest can be sorted out.  This, too, shall pass. 

You'll be OK.  You're already on the right path :-).