Letter to my F (Trigger Warnings - CSA)

[Hope66]

F = Father

Dear F,
I want to tell you some of my thoughts and my feelings here today, in this letter.  I'll never send you this letter, I am just writing it for my own 'recovery' - and for my own processing.  I'm aware that over the years, I've not really addressed my feelings towards you - because they are too painful - and because there's been part of me that feels bad about what's happened.  Somehow I've felt that I've needed to meet your needs, and also those of M (Mum) - and yet I was a small child, and I don't think either you or M met 'MY' needs. 

So - here I go - I feel very upset as I write this, but I'm going to say what I think and what I feel...

You violated me - I was your baby - I was little, vulnerable, I needed care and love and attention - and I think you just saw in me 'something' that you could abuse - that you could use for your own gratification.  I 'think' you thought you loved me - but really - I was meeting your needs - I feel sure that you saw me in sexual ways - I read that book you had - with the brown paper, it talked about stimulating a baby, a young toddler, and how a little child would enjoy that.  I can't remember how old I was when I read that - but even that memory is one where I think 'What?!' - 'Can that have been real?' - 'Did I make that up?'  - but I have other memories that I've already written about in my Journal about my CSA - like when you touched my hair and dried it, and you breathed really weird - I think I was about 4 years old, but I don't know for certain what age I was.  Maybe I was younger. 

I remember all the times you touched my breasts, you held out your hand when I sat down as a teenager - or maybe even younger.  How you photographed me on that rock in the lake - with no top on, and you told me that was ok.  I felt uncomfortable about it.  I didn't think it was right.  Why did I let you do that?  Why didn't someone stop you?  Why did M collude with that.  Did she think it was OK?

It WASN"T ok - it was wrong.

Do you realise how I feel now as an adult woman?  How I don't feel confident to wear a skirt or a dress - hardly ever, because I feel comfortable in trousers somehow - as if I'm 'safer' that way?  Like I feel uncomfortable whenever I have any kind of internal examination - like a smear test or similar - it's like I feel violated. 

How I look at any old photos of us together, and remember how strained I felt as you put your arm around me, like I felt 'stiff' and 'uncomfortable' - and wanted space between me and yourself.

I remember when you hit me once - because I'd been enjoying a walk with lots of other kids on a school trip, and I got 'carried away' and we ran ahead of the rest of the class, and I was 'in trouble' for that, and you decided it was a good idea to discipline me by hitting me across the bum with a slipper or something - but you seemed to enjoy the fact you hit me on my bare bum, and you seemed to breathe weird again while you did that, and tell me 'I don't want to do this' - but somehow you seemed to enjoy doing it. 

I feel sick about the fact that I ended up dancing supposedly in a seductive way, trying to get your attention that one time when I was a young girl - maybe 9 years old or something like that, again I have no idea of the actual age, but you told me afterwards that you were glad I wasn't going to 'make my living by dancing' as you didn't think I was very good at it.  What a weird and sick thing - that's what I think.

I feel SOOOOO upset by what you did, how you treated me - and yet as an adult, now we've been estranged for so long - a few years now, I know you said on the phone when you tried to contact me ' We'd never hurt you' - but you don't see that you DID hurt me, you HAVE hurt me, and I refuse to allow you into my life again to hurt me again. 

I haven't been able to talk to you about your behaviour - and I know that if I tried to talk to you or my M about it, that you would deny it - and you'd say I was making it up.  That's what I believe you'd do.  But I haven't made it up, I know you crossed the line too many times. 

Weirdly, now, as I write this, I feel like I'm far away in a fog, like I'm dissociating from the reality of this.  I will leave this letter here, but take myself away from this scenario.  I am safe from you - you can't hurt me anymore.

So F - I want you to know that I'm angry about what you did, that I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.  "

Hope 

[Blueberry]

This is so strong and courageous of you writing this. I hope you are feeling safe now and doing something grounding. 

[DecimalRocket]

I agree with Blueberry. This is courage.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry & DecimalRocket,
Thank you so much for your replies to this post.  I did feel 'braver' - in writing what I wrote.  Writing letters like this is helpful to me - even though I end up with lots of mixed feelings and emotions afterwards - but I think it's a good idea for me, and I think it helps.
Thank you for your replies.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Another letter to my F (Trigger Warnings - CSA).

Letter to my F (not to send, but to get my feelings out).

I feel so angry that you abused me – you took my trust, and you abused me.  It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of the fact that you were supposed to look after me – have my best interests at heart, and yet you ended up abusing your own daughter – to meet whatever unmet needs you had as a person.  That's not right.  I am standing up for all the wounded inner children within me – that you hurt, I am standing up for the adolescent girl and young woman that I became, and I am standing up for the woman I now am – your actions have stifled my growth – my physical and emotional growth – you held me back.  There are so many ways that I was affected by what you did.  They are too numerous to list, but one day I will list them – and if you could then read that list, then maybe you'd realise the effects of your actions, and you'd be sorry for what you did.

How could you tell me to read the book – the one with brown paper – I don't even know how old I was – you knew I had a curiosity and that I loved reading, but honestly – what sick thing to do – to persuade your daughter (the one you sexually abused) to read a book which then advocates that it's 'ok' to do that?  Telling me 'Don't tell your M' – yet another secret for me to keep.

So many secrets I was expected to keep – it's too much for a child to do.  No wonder I split off into dissociated parts – to cope with the sheer dysfunctional weirdness of it all.  How else would I have coped? 

I feel angry – I feel upset – I feel disgust at what you did.

I really don't know why, but it's been hard for me to get in touch with my feelings towards you – I've ended up 'protecting' you – by not speaking out about these things – by holding them 'inside' – I know that's because I kept trying to 'understand you' – and think of excuses as to why you were like that, and what must have led you to act in that way.  But you know – it's inexcusable – it's horrific – and I am upset and angry for what happened.

It chokes me up, literally – a massive lump in my throat – almost making it hard for me to breathe – and yet, that is what happens when I think of how you made me feel – now my head is hurting on the left-side.  I'm going to stop writing, but you know – I am massively angry and hurt, and I want you to know that.

Signing off now
Hope (can't bring myself to add my usual smiley face)... but I'm glad to have got that out of me. 

[Blueberry]

Just want to let you know I read and validate what you wrote. The first part sounds empowering! I hope it was for you or will feel that way soon. 

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Blueberry - you helped me so much with your reaction in the other thread - where you said you were 'speechless' about the situation - it empowered me to hear that - plus the responses from the others too - really validating - and what I needed to hear.  Thank you!

It 'was' empowering to write the letter - especially the first part - and I already feel that - and infact I felt it at the start of writing it too.  My inner critic came out later, well almost immediately actually - and battered me about a bit, but I've managed to rise above that, and I feel much calmer now.   

Hope