Overwhelmed By Inner Children Having Contradictory Needs.

[DecimalRocket]

I was talking to my 11 year old self and he was having trouble understanding his emotions. I remember at that age, I had the nonverbal logical intelligence of an adult and the emotional intelligence of a toddler. Not a very good combination — when you're screwed like that, the smarter you are, the more your inner critic has the ability to say the most convincing arguments against you. He tended to be too detached from his emotions and was telling me to isolate myself from this forum.

But my 14-15 year old self was crying. She told me to talk to someone (My inner children have different genders for some reason. . .). To be loved. To be cared for. She was overthinking everything. From the philosophical questions on the existence of reality, panicking about the limits of human collective knowledge, and the meaning of life.

I had my 9 year old self running around — just rocking himself (herself? Doesn't seem to have a gender. . . ) quietly in the corner. I could feel her emotions that she wants me to comfort her but also is conflicted on wanting to be distant and aloof as well.

My 6 year old self just wanted to have some play time. Play time means reading  complex books that interested him for fun. And he seemed rather upset that I was being too serious these days — learning on things I have to learn rather than learning just out of wonder. He was confused about why the others seemed so upset and I could feel a bit of his sadness for this.

And I sense there are even more of them that won't trust me enough to show themselves. Sigh.

Man, confusing to have all these emotions and needs inside me. They all seem to be reacting to how I decided to open up on this forum even if trying to trust others here make me anxious. I spent time comforting them but going through each of their different worldviews and reactions was really overwhelming.

What can I do?

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think I know how you feel. Though I don't really have Inner Children, more just Alters and different identities, but they all give me different contradicting ideas, plans, and needs as well.
It can be overwhelming indeed, but usually if I find my head is too full of different voices I will internally say "quiet" and try to focus on no thoughts at all at first. Then I will address each voice at a time, get their needs and opinions, one by one - till finally I have them all and I can address calmly which one feels best for the current moment. "What is best" I usually define as what is 1. Healthy, 2. Not Self-Harming, 3. Kind to those who care. This has usually helped me to overcome difficult situations.

I wish I had more advice to give because I understand what I wrote is just my own experience and may not work for others. I wish you luck with it all though.

And one last thing, I find it interesting that you too have different genders for your Inners. I haven't met anyone else who has that. So thanks for including that.
I do hope you will continue posting here, Decimal. I relate a lot to what you write and it's comforting.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks, AA. Really. I'll try to think of these the next time I have trouble with this and reading your posts also give me a lot of comfort too. I don't always reply but I want to let you know I'm listening.

I think I have different genders for Inners because I grew up with daydreams as both genders. Why this is so I can't tell and being reffered to the gender I didn't imagine myself at the moment gave me discomfort, but only often slight or at most, mild discomfort. Still does, really.

Something interesting happened. When I was talking to my Inners, the oldest one told me I needed to rest and that she'd take care of the rest. Youngest me hugged my legs and went to go play. Those in the middle stayed distant and quiet though, but I could feel their concern.

I was weary and overwhelmed at the time. Anxiety was coursing through my whole body, and since I had free time, I just fell asleep. After this, I still felt sad and tired but deeply refreshed.

I guess parenting inner children is a lot like parenting real children. You have to take care of your kids, but you also have to take care of yourself as a parent.

Eh, I guess sometimes the most unexpected things come from inside you.

But I have to go now . . . 11 year old me's more isolated and distant tendencies are becoming more and more stronger to me, and I can't stay much longer.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you, Decimal.

being reffered to the gender I didn't imagine myself at the moment gave me discomfort, but only often slight or at most, mild discomfort. Still does, really.

It gets this way for me as well. But I'm usually able to brush off the irritation as long as the topic at hand isn't directly related to myself. I don't know where my own gender switching comes from... probably FOO/abuse related somehow.  It's interesting though.

It's good that you had your older inner looking after the rest though, that must have been a small relief. It can be really difficult trying to manage all of them all the time so it's good to have a break every once and a while.