I've never shared much about my real self with strangers

[whistlinginthedark]

Hi, I've creeped this board a couple times over the last 12 months, but never registered or posted before.  I'm a middle-aged man and have struggled my whole life with life I guess.  I've been through periods of depression over the years and gotten bits of treatment or insight that helped for a while, but it never stuck.  A year ago, I fell off an emotional cliff.  I checked myself into a hospital because I thought I would finally kill myself, after thinking about it for many years.  I ended up homeless for a bit and found myself just out of the hospital, in a shelter, in a City where I didn't have a single connection.

The hospital referred me to a 12 week daily outpatient group and therapy program, and my oldest friends rented me a room near the hospital and covered my rent for the 4 months it would take me to work through it.  It was in the program that I was asked if anyone had ever talked about trauma with me, and where I was told about C-PTSD. 

It's been a tough year, but a good one in may ways.  Anxiety has become a very real part of my life for the first time.  Panic attacks started not long after I found myself in the shelter.  I had always had horrible anxiety, but I didn't realize it.  I knew I suffered from depression, but I thought everyone's mind worked the same way mine did, but I was just weaker and couldn't deal with it.

Now I find I can't make decisions, I only have the place to live (it's a total dive in a rooming house) because an old friend made an eight hour drive to come, stay a couple days and found it for me.  I can't even bring myself to look for a better place.  I'm working, because an employment worker with social services found a job, sent my resume, and booked an interview for me.  I just can't seem to make decisions about myself too well.  I'm still in the same City and I still have no connections.  I work, I eat, I sleep, and I spend the rest of my time in my room watching videos, or just going for a walk.  When I think about making new friends, or finding social connections (I know I need them to be healthy), I just don't seem to like people much.

I do think of getting a dog, I love dogs.  But I have to find a place to live where I could have one. 

So here I am.  Maybe I can connect and talk here.  Maybe its a place to start.  I am going to start with individual counseling in a couple weeks.

-WhistlingInTheWind

[Dee]

Welcome.  You have come a long way.  I find this site hugely supportive, I hope you do as well.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Boy, can I ever relate to not being able to make decisions and isolating! But this forum has done a lot for me - led me to important info about CPTSD, gave me a place to talk about my background - and best of all I don't feel subhuman anymore, I've finally found a group of people who "get it"! First time ever. Hope you find it as comforting as I have, and as many others have, too. Thanks for joining!

[Blueberry]

Welcome 

You've had quite a year, but I hear strength and resilience in you too. I'm very happy for you that you have a few people supporting you in real life, with finding a job and accommodation. I hope you manage to add a dog to your life. Animals bring so much comfort and companionship.

This is a good place to start to open up and get to know people. I find it very supportive. I hope you do too.