Troubling Beliefs of the Inner Child

[zazu]

Hi all, I hope you don't mind if I ask for some opinions/advice on IC work.
This thread deals with feelings about physical appearance. Hopefully, this won't be triggering to anyone, but this can be a sensitive issue so I just want to give a forewarning on the subject matter.

By following the advice in another thread, I was able to finally begin a dialogue with my inner child. When she finally began to talk and answer questions, I was very surprised and troubled at what came forth. She has some deeply held beliefs that my adult self does not share, in fact, I've vehemently disagreed with these ideas for years. Yet, I can tell my IC is very attached to them.

When my IC first talked back to me (this version of the IC was about 7 years old) I was shocked to discover that most of her concerns were about not being pretty. I asked questions like "what do you like to do?" "What makes you happy?" "what do you want to do in life?" and all the answers centered around not being able to do much of anything, because she wasn't pretty enough. Not even pretty enough to be loved. Almost every dream was destined to remain unfulfilled, because of this curse of being unattractive.

Some backstory here - my older GC sister was "the pretty one" and I was the ugly sister, much like a fairy tale. (and you know in fairy tales, the ugliness of the "ugly" sister was a symbol of her bad nature, too). I don't recall how often people used that term to describe me, but there was a lot of tsk-tsking about the misfortune of my looks and unfavorable comparisons with my (admittedly) beautiful sister, at least within the family. It doesn't help that my brother also is harshly critical any woman who doesn't meet his very specific standard of beauty. My Body Dysmorphic Disorder began in those days, probably.

The issue of appearance is tough for most women, as we are so often judged on our looks, even objectified because of them. When I reached my teens and began to attract male attention, my family role just made this more confusing. I had some really bad relationships in those days!

Eventually, this lead to studying the subject in depth, and I came to some hard-won conclusions about beauty, attraction and love. (More or less, that it's what's inside that counts). I felt there were a lot of misconceptions out there, and my proudest achievement has been my work online with people who felt unable to find love or even date, usually because of their looks. Having people who once thought they were too ugly to be loved write to say that now they are happily married is amazing. I spent years dedicated to that, with a lot of success.

So you can imagine what a shock it was to find my 7 year-old self still had these beliefs that my adult self had debunked years ago. And is quite stubborn about them, too, despite how defeatist they are, despite how false I now know them to be. The memories of how it felt back then came flooding back, in painful detail. Clearly all the years spent educating myself and helping others with the very same issue did not repair this damage, and I can tell...feel...there are lasting scars on the psyche. But I don't know what do to help.

Does anyone have an idea of what to do next?

[keepfighting]

Hi, zazu,

wow - that is a powerful conversation you had with your IC - her message is loud and clear. I feel so sorry for the little girl - how can parents (and siblings) be so cruel to her! 

My thoughts on this:

The grown up you have certainly gained a healthier self image and got rid of the negative messages that your IC still believes, so I thought about the major difference between a 7 yo child and an adult and I think the answer is in the cognitive ability:

The part of your brain where (most of) the cognitive functions are stored (as far as I understand, I'm no expert, mind!) doesn't develop until early puberty and is 'finished' by your early twenties. So you cannot reason with your IC the same way you can with your adult self, but on a more fundamental and emotional level: Send her the messages that your parents should have send her but never did. She deserves that!

Some messages she might need to hear are:

- You look cute today in that [...] outfit.
- You have the prettiest smile I've ever seen.
- You are a very pretty girl and will grow into a beautiful woman some day.

Gain her trust, reassure her, cuddle her and tell her all the things she should have heard back then but never did. (You've actually already build up a strong relationship of trust with her if she opens up to you the way she does! That is such a strong foundation for IC work!  )

(On a side note: I am nowhere near as advanced in my IC work as you are but I have 2 DDs myself and those are the kind of messages I tell them)

Kudos to you!

kf

[Butterfly]

I may be totally off because IC work is so new to me but I was under the impression we can't or shouldn't try to change the IC mind but to convey acceptance of who they were at that time and convey the idea we love them as is so I really need to explore our goals in working with IC a bit more I think. Thanks for sharing your experience! It is quite deep.

[Rain]

Gosh, Zazu ...YOU are exactly who I would ask for advice, as you know what to say to a little girl that thinks/feels this way.

I will keep looking for your posts on this Zazu, so I can learn more.   Thank you, and  to you and your little girl, who is Beautiful.   

[zazu]

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for the advice and information. There is a lot of food for thought here.

Apparently, after years of trying to have some communication with my IC, she was raring to talk as soon as a method became available (which was simply using my non-dominant hand to write down her answers, per Kizzie's advice!). I suppose I hadn't been able to hear or perceive her in a clear enough way before that? At least in a way that was distinct from my adult self.  Surely she'd made appearances before - why else would I have random urges to listen to 70's disco music while reading comic books? But it's easy to ascribe these things to the "niche interests" of an adult, rather than the IC needing an outlet.

I honestly don't know if one is meant to try to "change" one's inner child -  though as KeepFighting said, the cognitive processes are quite different, so I don't even know if it could be done, anyway. But after re-feeling these old emotions, I understand that the IC's beliefs are in many ways still functioning to defeat any sense of motivation. It's a particular problem for me, and IIRC, pretty common with PTSD, C-PTSD and depression - no motivation, because what's the point in trying? In so many ways, this lack of motivation has kept me stuck in unhappy situations for years.

It was surprising to find that 7-year-old self had this sense of pointlessness and hopelssness wrapped up with physical appearance. As if, due to this uncontrollable circumstance, all doors were closed forever. As if there were no life beyond the way one looks to others.

I keep thinking, if only someone had said, "well, zazu, you could be a doctor, scientist, astronaut or what have you. It doesn't matter if you're pretty, then" but of course, no one did. (The very idea of any of my FOO saying such a thing is actually laughable  )  But it is probably the thing that would have changed my outlook on life. As it was, it was a bit like being born into a strict class system or caste where my fate was set from the beginning.

Even if I can't change my IC's thinking, I do wonder if there's a way I can reassure her that there are lots of other ways to live a satisfying life that are unrelated to looks. Then perhaps the tremendous internal resistance I feel might let go a bit. I will continue to give her supportive messages, at any rate.

It feels as if there is more about this unit of time, age 7, that needs more exploring. That was the year my beautiful sister got married and moved away, that my family as I knew it began to show obvious signs of cracking apart (it was always shaky, but when sister left home, NM no longer bothered to hide her rages and disdain for the rest of us.) I had an absolutely dreadful teacher that year in school - she was cruel and physically abusive in ways that would likely get a teacher arrested these days (thank goodness for progress!) In short, it was a time when things were  in upheaval and there were few ways of feeling safe. At the same time, it seems to be the very beginning of identifying with my peers/seeing some kind of life outside my family. I was beginning to pick things up from the outside environment that were not influenced by FOO (like the aformentioned disco music and comic books) So there is a little sense of pulling away to become a seperate person...

I'll keep working on it.
Thanks for the advice and support, everyone.

[Butterfly]

Wow what a terrible year and your 7 year old self needs a big hug! That connection you made to the 70's music and comic books is like when I realized about my coloring books in my 20's and how it was thanks to this forum I realized that was my IC peeking out. So wishing peace for you.

[schrödinger's cat]

I tried out keepfighting's advice: telling my IC the things I'd have needed to hear back then. So far, so good. My own deficits are in hearing that I'm competent and that my contributions are worthy, so I've been praising myself for things I'm doing, not for my looks. I worded it like I was talking to a kid - you know, trying to be honest and warm and specific. It felt pleasant. I could see how that might slowly thaw the ice around my IC, if used enough times. So I can recommend it.

[Badmemories]

  All!

I have read this post many times, every time I have not had the strength to write about it. I have know all along that I have always felt UGLY! I mean for one thing I did not look like the other siblings. I was short they are tall, I had fine thin snow white hair, (they used to call me cotton top) and they had thick beautiful red brown hair. It also did not help that I was the ONLY step child. I also have a prominent nose... they had cute little pug noses.

Then the treatment was different for me. Many times In My life I had to stay home... My Mom was embarrassed about me. I guess divorce and remarriage in those days was embarrassing for her and being the product of the first union, I was the most embarrassing part of it.   .

I know this was an issue for me because I worked real hard to praise My children for the beauty they have. My Daughter has My fine hair, blonde now.. and I always told her how beautiful her Hair is. My one granddaughter also has hair like mine... and I tell her how her hair is soft like silk, and how pretty it is.

zazu
wrote on: November 24, 2014:

When my IC first talked back to me (this version of the IC was about 7 years old) I was shocked to discover that most of her concerns were about not being pretty. I asked questions like "what do you like to do?" "What makes you happy?" "what do you want to do in life?" and all the answers centered around not being able to do much of anything, because she wasn't pretty enough. Not even pretty enough to be loved. Almost every dream was destined to remain unfulfilled, because of this curse of being unattractive.

Some backstory here - my older GC sister was "the pretty one" and I was the ugly sister, much like a fairy tale. (and you know in fairy tales, the ugliness of the "ugly" sister was a symbol of her bad nature, too). I don't recall how often people used that term to describe me, but there was a lot of tsk-tsking about the misfortune of my looks and unfavorable comparisons with my (admittedly) beautiful sister, at least within the family.

This fits My story exactly...Everytime I read it I cry.. So sorry for You ZuZu , sorry for me, and all of us with this feeling!

keepfighting
wrote on: November 24, 2014:

The grown up you have certainly gained a healthier self image and got rid of the negative messages that your IC still believes, so I thought about the major difference between a 7 yo child and an adult and I think the answer is in the cognitive ability:

The part of your brain where (most of) the cognitive functions are stored (as far as I understand, I'm no expert, mind!) doesn't develop until early puberty and is 'finished' by your early twenties. So you cannot reason with your IC the same way you can with your adult self, but on a more fundamental and emotional level: Send her the messages that your parents should have send her but never did. She deserves that!


I really thought that I had at one point realized that I was attractive... so thought this was over.. I guess the inner child does not think It was OVER.

Zazu wrote:
It was surprising to find that 7-year-old self had this sense of pointlessness and hopelessness wrapped up with physical appearance. As if, due to this uncontrollable circumstance, all doors were closed forever. As if there were no life beyond the way one looks to others.

It really is sad that no one had enough Love for Us to show us love! Give us one little crumb of hope...

Here is a link on Step children.. it is pretty enlightening.. any step kids out there? It is called the Cinderella effect... not much different than the scapegoat. 

] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect]

Keep on keeping on!   













 

[Brandy]

It was surprising to find that 7-year-old self had this sense of pointlessness and hopelssness wrapped up with physical appearance. As if, due to this uncontrollable circumstance, all doors were closed forever. As if there were no life beyond the way one looks to others.

My inner child felt the same, but for different reasons. The hopelessness due to things that couldn't be changed, though she (I) never connected it to anything in particular. We were just bad, and there was no explaining it or changing it. It just was. Do you think looks might be a sort of scapegoat for this general sense of inadequacy or unworthiness? Is it really about looks? If I could have blamed my looks for the way I was treated, I would have! I had nothing to blame but my self.

[Annegirl]

Bad memories, that must have been unbelievably painful ( big understatement)! Your post warmed my heart so much as your grand child has hair like that and you tell her the best and sweetest words that she will never forget. Maybe this is also helping your inner child?

[Kizzie]

Hi Zazu and all - I came across this book recently Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self  which is about using the non-dominant hand (the activity my T used with me).  http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Your-Inner-Child-Liberating/dp/0671701355

Recovery of Your Inner Child is the only book that shows you how to have a firsthand experience of your Inner Child -- actually feeling its emotions and recapturing its sense of wonder -- by writing and drawing with your non-dominant hand. Dr. Capacchione shares scores of hands-on activities that will help you to embrace your Vulnerable Child and your Angry Child, find the Nurturing Parent within, and finally discover the Creative and Magical Child that can heal your life.

The cover is neat because it has a little crayon stick person who says "Let me out so I can be creative and heal you"    Sounds good to me!