alovelycreature's journal

[alovelycreature]

*excuse my curse words*

Whenever I feel attacked I go into panic mode.

My heart starts to beat so loud in my chest that I can physically feel it. I start feeling shake in my chest and arms, and legs. I start to feel nauseous. I am in fear mode. I'm trying to deeply breath right now.

When I don't feel validated. When my feelings or opinions aren't validated, I go into panic mode. It's like questioning my reality. Its my reality real? Am I making it up? Am I crazy?

Panic.

I feel vulnerable. It's not being believed again. It's just another need ignored. It's just something that is going to happen over and over again. And it is going to happen over and over again. People are *.

Breath. Breath. Breath.

Shame. It's like when someone doesn't believe you, you feel shame. "I'm wrong." Not only am, "I'm wrong," but I better never speak again or tell the truth because that fear and shame are just waiting on the other side to attack.

Remember, people are *. People are broken. There are people who want to make others feel bad. Other's that want you to feel as bad as they feel. Don't let them control your feelings. They win when they control your feelings.

Breath. Deep breaths. Breath. Breath.

My chest aches. My shoulders ache. Breathing deeply.

[zazu]

all I can say is 

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here.    Talking about this can't be easy for you, Lovely. I'm glad you're doing it. 

[alovelycreature]

As usual, excuse my cursing.
________________________


So, the past could days have been * horrible. On the way to Tawas on Christmas Eve partner spun out on highway on the ice and my car is * up. I've been so dissociative that I feel like I can't even feel my fingers typing on the key board. My brain isn't working at all. I feel like I have a headache. I've been completely dissociative for the past 2 days now. I feel like I'm in tunnel vision. I feel like I just want to sleep forever and not wake up. I feel like I'm in a horrible dream.

It even felt like a horrible dream this morning. I always have nightmares about my phone not working when I'm in need of help. My phone wouldn't work this morning when I went to call Geico so I had to restart my phone. It was like, this is a total nightmare. It's like my nightmares but real life.

I've been super pissed at partner. This is the 3rd time he's spun out in a car in the winter. He drives too fast when it's bad weather. He thinks he's a great driver and has everything under control and he doesn't. The entire drive up I wanted to say "slow down." but he thinks it's annoying when I tell him how to drive. It being Christmas Eve and all I decided to lay off and not say anything. I wish I did now. The entire time I was like, "Just let him drive." I should have just told him to slow the * down.

The worst part is I am paying for it. If this were partner's car, and I did this, I would offer to pay for the whole thing. Andy just said to me on Eve that he would, "Help me pay for it." What the * does that mean? So, I have to pay for 2 new tires, my deductible, god knows what's wrong with my goddamned car. The entire side of it is smashed because we hit a sign.

Not to mention, being stuck at my parents house does not help at all. It is never quiet for 5 minutes. Either the TV is blaring or the music is blaring and no one is even paying attention. It's noise for the sake of noise.  I went last night to lay down and "be quiet" and no one could even let me do that. I was lying in bed still hearing the loudness of everyone talking and the Christmas music. My Mom came in and was like, "Come lay on the couch," and I was just like I want to be quiet. However, if I didn't get up I would be a * * and trying to ruin everyone's Christmas.

It's maddening because yeah everyone knows what happened sucked. However no one understands that I'm completely dissociative, can't feel my body, can't think clearly, I can't even describe how horrible it feels and how much I just want it to stop. Hugs won't help. Trying to lay down and "feel," deep breath, no tricks of the trade will help. I haven't told anyone. Of course I wouldn't tell my family. I also feel like there is no point in telling partner because he doesn't know what that means anyways and I really don't even want him near me right now I'm so enraged.

Last night for the few minutes I did have to myself. I am so angry, then dissociative. I was trying to feel my anger. I could only imagine a little child drawing on the picture of a lung inside of a person with a black marker that's dried out. Just scribbling madly in the chest. My shoulders and my chest just feel on fire. My legs and arms just feel completely numb. Step dad keeps the temperature at like 64 and I'm * freezing. I can't be comfortable at all. I * haven't showered in two days I have no clothes, and I'm stuck 4 hours away from home.

I * just feel like the normal scapegoat * of Christmas. It's like my bad attitude and feelings are dragging everyone else down. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to converse with anyone. I don't really want to be around anyone period. I honestly just wish I were dead because I don't like feeling like this. I don't like dealing with anything. I feel like I can't. I've been so depressed since I stopped my birth control, I've been having incredibly frustrating sexual dysfunction due to stress. Dealing with family is stressful to begin with. My step dad on Christmas was catastrophizing our accident. What if more is wrong than just the tires? What if they can't just put new tires on the car at the shop? Then we * deal with it then!

Deep breathing isn't working. Nothing is working. I am so angry at my partner. So * angry. Part of me wants him to feel more horrible about what he did. I want him to pay for everything. If he just would be responsible for his actions and pay for all the damage, I would feel a million times better. I have no * money. I've already dipped thousands into my savings this year before . With the dog having stitches and other vet visits, cousins wedding. I've wasted so much money. So much. I'm a hair away from living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm feeling like all my horrible life decisions have lead up to now. Having no money. Dating someone who has no money. What if I never moved back home after college. What if what if. it isn't even real. I want someone to put me to sleep until all of this horrible * is over. I don't even want to know how much of work I'm going to have to miss. More money down the drain. My family keeps trying to be nice and make me feel better and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be here and I'm stuck here. * everything. Seriously.

[Rain]

Lovely, I wish I could pay for a taxi to come pick you up and take you into town for awhile.   A quiet coffee shop, a small restaurant with nice peaceful paintings on the wall.   Just you ...and to breath.

Nightmares eventually stop.   I know this is horrible, Lovely.   And, I only have a pathetic "hang in there" to offer you.

A  for you, Lovely

Rain

[Kizzie]

Hi Lovely - I just wanted to add a  for you. 

Maybe being angry is exactly what you need to feel right now and you should listen to what it is telling you (what you are telling yourself basically). I think if someone were driving my car and had had spin outs before I would be quite upset. And if I didn't say anything because in the past that person has dismissed me, didn't listen to me I would be angry at myself for letting it happen. You would have been well within your rights to tell him to slow down and even to take back the wheel if he didn't.  It's your car, your safety and your finances that are at risk.

I'm not suggesting that you rage at him, but perhaps consider honouring your anger. If you lay things out in a straightforward and assertive manner it may do a lot for your self because it will confirm that you are important. And once the car is fixed you might take back the steering wheel and do the driving. It is your car, his driving has cost you dearly and if he won't listen to you, he should not have access to your property. FWIW   

[schrödinger's cat]

I can only second what Rain and Kizzie said. It reminds me of a particularly dark time in my own life - everything was going wrong, sh*t just kept happening and piling up, I felt uncomfortable and uneasy in my own skin, nothing fit, nothing was quite right, I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, and there was this irritable anger that I couldn't quite explain to myself (NOW I can, but then? no hope of it). Simply just reading about your life conditions just now - oh boy, I'd be uncomfortable as * too. No peace, no silence, no place where you can be safe from intrusions and demands for a single hour--? When I got to the point where your mother came in and demanded that you "rest" on the sofa (in the middle of all that noise), probably implying that your solitude spoiled their cheer, I went "GAAAAAAH!" because my mother does that too - the hints and the implying and the assumption that I'm the problem.

I just hope you can go home soon. Hang in there. The holidays are bound to end some time, and then we're done with the blasted ho ho ho and the bloody jollity for another blessed year. If you're still at your parents' house - I think I'll pray that their TV and radio will break down. 

[alovelycreature]

Thanks for all the kind words. My car is in the shop and they are actually taking some of the cost off my deductible if I chose to not fix cosmetic damage (scratches in hub cap, etc.). So, for a bad situation I'm making out pretty well. Still feeling dissociative here and there. Just can't wait till I get my car back and get into the normal swing.

[alovelycreature]

Pissed about being gaslighted.

So, on New Years I was supposed to go out with my M, sister, and some family friends to grab lunch. I was looking forward to this and spending time with my sister. When I asked when we're going, the response was, "We'll call you when we get up!" which makes sense after New Year's Eve.

So my M calls me and tells me to be at the restaurant they are going to in a half hour. The restaurant alone is over a half hour from me, and I literally just woke up. I told my M I wasn't going to go unless they were going to wait for me. Long story short, they weren't going to wait, so I wasn't going to go. Instead of letting it go, my M kept asking me things like, "Can't you just hurry up?" It was just bizarre and I don't know how many different situations you can come up with for me to say "no" to.

I was really upset because my M has done this to me a ton of times. She'll make plans with family friends or our family, and then invite me as they're walking out the door, or tell me the time we're meeting when she knows it will be impossible for me me to show up. I know the simple solution to this is to not make plans with her, or in group situations go to someone else to ask what is going on. I know I am going to do this next time.

However, when I got of the phone I was so incredibly mad. One of my good friends this week did something * to me, and I was already feeling overwhelmingly rejected. It was so hard not to add it to my inner/outer critic. My IC was like, Well, you're annoying they don't want you there. They did this on purpose because they didn't want you there. They just invited you because they feel bad for you. And then the thought occurred to me that this is what my M probably wanted me to be doing, so I decided to do this. I sent her a text.

Me: "Thanks for inviting me out and then telling me 30 minutes before your "date" that you're going and telling me to hurry up. Makes no sense. Next time treat me as you would treat a friend or don't invite me."

Mom: "You are being silly. Have some fun. We'll wait for you."

Me: "No, I'm tired of being gaslighted. Bye."

I knew the entire time she was telling everyone else I was acting "crazy." I just knew it. She does this. Put's me in a situation where I get upset about how I'm being treated, then she tells everyone I'm acting crazy.

So last night there was another family friend gathering because of someone's birthday so I wanted to be there. We went out and it was fine. I acted as if nothing strange had happened. I like to believe that these people know I don't act the way my M leads on since when I have issues with them I am direct and forgiving.

The girl's birthday it was is a friend of mine from elementary school. We weren't really friends in middle or high school, but started reconnecting. She has some serious mental health issues so I try to keep her at an arms length because sometimes I just can't handle it. Last night I could tell she was having a terrible birthday. We didn't go to eat where she wanted, she didn't get any gifts she wanted, and everyone was kind of being rude to her. I just felt sad and achy about the whole thing. It just looked like she was going to cry. She asked if she could come over later, and I told her of course.

She vented to me. Her M (who is my M's best friend) was gaslighting her all day. On her damn birthday. She was crying and her feelings were real and legitimate. I even asked her if she felt like her M intentionally did things like this to make her "act crazy." I don't think the thought had ever crossed her mind before.

After that she told me about the lunch I missed. She told me the entire time my M was telling everyone how crazy I was and completely lied about why I didn't come. She just made it sound like I was some lunatic or something. This family friend was like, "Yeah, your M really is crazy," which is the response I normally get after my M gets caught in one of her manipulative lies.

I didn't ask my friend what my M said about me. It just hurt so bad. I mean, I just want to be treated with respect and in a loving, kind manor. I just want to get along. When I have differences with someone, or a problem, I am known for letting it go and moving on (or no longer associating with that person if need be).

It was also hard to hear what my friend was saying last night because it just touched me in a way that I completely understood. It was like words I had years ago that I have grown past. I just feel like my family doesn't listen to me or take the time to understand me. I tell them what I like, what I want to do, when I'm upset, but it's like they just don't care. Every time I try to show off my cooking skills to my D he always insults me. I'm never good enough.

I guess this bad situation turned into a place of connection. It was keeping me up last night, and I woke up super early this morning. It made me think I really do just want to cut off things completely with my M. If my M was my friend, she wouldn't be my friend right now. She'd be like the worst friend ever!

I always think about cutting her off, and I have in the past, but I always come back for holidays or some other thing. I don't know if anyone has any thoughts on this at all.

[schrödinger's cat]

No thoughts, but oh my goodness, does your mother ever sound difficult. It looks like she manipulates things jiiiust enough to get you in a situation where you can't win -- but she takes care to be subtle enough so she won't look guilty to other people. Do you think she could be doing this for the attention? No matter why she does what she does, I find her behaviour disgusting.

Oh, I have one thought after all. If you plan on cutting ties with your family, the people over at Out of the Fog might have advice. I remember reading that simply just telling a narcissist (for example) that you're cutting ties with them will make them wish to cause BIG trouble for you, and apparently there are ways to limit that. Or maybe someone here has experience with that kind of thing.

Happy new year, Lovely. I mean, things can only get better... 

[alovelycreature]

Hey Cat. No that's a good idea. Things can have slowly gotten better over the years, and they will continue to do so . As Rain has said before, two steps forward, one step back! I will head over to OOTF and see what other people have done. In the past when I have cut off ties, my Mom has lied to my entire family so no one will talk to me. However, I feel I'm at a point where I need to cut off ties so the real critic will stop making my inner one so loud!

[Kizzie]

I agree with Cat Lovely, do be careful how you disengage from her as there can be a big backlash (or conversely no reaction which can feel just as awful).  OOTF is a great place to come up with some strategies for how to go LC or NC in a way that is healthy for you. I found that confronting my NPDM brought nothing but heelfire raining down on my head so we disengaged quietly over time so that we didn't have to endure the raging, hoovering and/or smear campaign. It worked for us so if you can plan your escape carefully with the help of the members at OOTF     I think you'll find life will improve so much when you aren't dealing with all of that PF behaviour and can focus on your own life.

[alovelycreature]

**SA TRIGGER WARNING**

I had a horrible nightmare last night and I can't stop replaying it in my mind. I keep trying to ground myself by saying out loud, "It's not real. I am safe. It was a bad dream." When I have dreams about SA I have extreme difficulty letting them go. All through middle school and high school I would constantly have dreams of someone trying to rape and kill me. I honestly have no idea why. I do have some bad body flashbacks, but like a lot of flashbacks I cannot see anything in my mind, and can only feel it in my body. I also went through other physical abuse I can remember, such as my Mom sitting on top of me, pinning down my arms, and having my siblings tickle me till I literally couldn't breath. Or my M literally dragging me across the floor by my arm when I got in trouble... and one time my uncle accidentally pulled my arm out of my socket when I was a kid because I wouldn't give him a flashlight I had that belonged to him.

I do only have one memory that I remember where I can remember visually and in my body. I remember my Mom having my brother and I bent over a bed with my Dad in the room and she was putting something up our rectums. I remember them yelling about something going on an airplane and what she was doing. My parents are substance abusers, and I often wonder if it had anything to do with transporting drugs since my Dad was a drug dealer. It could have also just been a suppository. I have no idea. This memory still haunts me just because I felt violated, exposed, embarrassed. Just awful. My old T chalked it up to suppositories.

I thought maybe sharing this terrible night terror and dissecting it might be helpful for processing it. The scariest part about my night terrors for me is they are incredibly vivid, colorful, and full of detail. They feel so real even though they are not.

Dream:

I was in a strange house that I have never been in, but it was my FOOs home. I remember being with my Mom and my sister. My brother wasn't there. My Mom was going go have sex with me, and told me to pick which room she was going to have sex with me in and she walked away. I looked into my brother's room and saw how neat and clean it was. Soothing, dull, warm colors and wood floors and furniture. It looked relaxing. The other room was sterile and messy. Full of marble and metal architecture. The room was big and open with little privacy. There was a bathroom in the room, that was also as large as half of the room. There was a hot tub in the room also. I walked in and there were two women standing there like butlers waiting to be told what to do. It was like all of a sudden I was in a hotel room.

I then had this horrible realization that my Mom was SAing me. What do I do? Just complete panic. In my dream, this felt normal... the SA, that it had happened many times. But this realization that it was SA just totally made me go into panic mode.

My Mom walked in and said, "I got the hot tub because I know you like hot tubs." She asked if I was ready to get in the hot tub. I had the urge to literally * my pants. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. One of the butler girls showed me to the bathroom that had no door, but was like a separate area of the room divided by a wall. I sat on the toilet, and felt like I was going to have the shits but nothing would come out. The two butler girls were standing there looking at me, and I said to them, "Will you leave?" and they started to walk away.

At that moment, I woke up. Thank God. My alarm went off. It felt like a miracle that the dream didn't go any further.

The body memories I have of being molested have been haunting me for a while. I tried talking about them in therapy, but my T wasn't very helpful even though she was supposedly trained in SA. It felt relieving to express these terrible flashbacks I was having, but I didn't feel I got any guidance or help. It just made me feel more hopeless. The fact that I might never know what exactly those memories and feelings are from are terrifying. Was it my Mom? Am I making it up? Am I imagining these things? If I am why did I start having these night terrors when I was so young? I've had night terrors my entire life. I can even remember having ones as a child where I was abandon and I could not find anyone, and being trapped somewhere I would potentially die... like out in the woods.

I feel like whenever I have these dreams, it's like my body wanting me to pay attention to something I can't grasp or understand. What is it? I'm trying to listen, but I can't hear anything. Is it a metaphor? It makes me feel completely, lost, confused, small, panicky, and honestly like I just want to die. It's so scary. Like my heart is stuck in my throat and I can't breath. My chest and shoulders feel like stone.

I think my sister was in the dream, because her and I suffered the grunt of abuse. My brother was always babied and was allowed to do whatever he wanted. He always was treated like a king. I think that's why his room felt so nice in my dream. That he had all the positive attention I wanted.

The other room in my dream was probably how I felt as a child. Cold, not comforting in any way. No privacy, and in fact invasion of privacy. I often have dreams about having to use the bathroom where other's are watching me, where I have no privacy. Just feeling completely humiliated. I don't know if this relates to my remembered experience.

I love taking baths. I guess bathing/showering was a safe place to self sooth when I was living with my FOO. I could lock the door and cry. I could lock the door and destress with an oatmeal bath. It was the one place I actually had privacy. I would often bring a radio in the bathroom with me, turn it up incredibly loud and say to myself over and over, "Be strong. Be strong. Be strong. Just make it to 18 and you'll be free." My partner and I often take baths together because it's relaxing and safe. We rented a hot tub room a couple weekends ago for his birthday. We did spend most of our time sitting in the hot tub just de-stressing after our car crash and holiday with FOO. I don't know if this is why a hot tub came up in my dream.

In my dream, the fact that my Mom made that comment about the hot tub felt invasive. The fact that my self soothing place was being manipulated and used for evil in my dream was just completely angering. It's like when my Mom is around, nothing is safe. I'm not safe, my self soothing isn't safe, nothing is safe.

And the fact that I was having the shits in the dream. I have IBS and when I am triggered I find myself running to the bathroom sometimes. I wasn't diagnosed with IBS until a couple years ago, but I'm pretty sure it was always an issue for me as a child. It was like I was regressing in my dream. Seems like some completely * up Freudian experience.

I want these dreams to go away so badly. I haven't really shared them before. Or my feelings about my body and SA except one time with an old T. Uhg.