Ostracism, trying to be brief

[Dee]

When I was 17 I was ostracized from my family.  I reported my dad, he confessed, pled guilty, and went to prison.  My family didn't talk to me.  By family I mean my mother (an accomplice) and my sister who had left home at 15 (9 years earlier).  I thought my entire family hated me.  It was horrible, I was so young and so alone.  Over time they talked to me again, but we ignored the elephant in the room and still do.

I have been forbidden to talk to my extended family.  Recently, I have gotten back in touch with them in secret.  As it turns out they knew, and believed me, said they always knew.  My aunt even had a big argument with my mom.  They tried to find me and couldn't.  It was before the internet and another country, continent.  Huge, considering I thought I had been abandoned and thought that until recently so I never contacted them.  For several reasons my mother no longer has a relationship with any of her family to include her siblings.  None of her family will talk to her and she has forbidden me from talking to them.  My sister for whatever reason hates them for what they said about my mother (all true). 

I am in secret going to see them at the end of the month.  They are from another country and it has been 20+ years.  I have to wonder what in the world am I doing.  They understand and are understanding.  They are not posting on Facebook or telling anyone.  Still, it is like going behind enemy lines.  I question what am I thinking.  Am I willing to give up my immediate family for my extended family that I don't know.  Yet, the idea of being forbidden from talking to them is crazy.  And, I didn't know they tried to find and help me when I needed it the most.  My sister and my mother ostracizing me was extremely painful.  Without a doubt it would happen again.  I even talked to my brother in law to ask if it would be as bad as I think and he said yes.  He likes my extended family and like me has been forbidden from talking to them.  He basically said it sucks, but is.

How do families become this dysfunctional, it is crazy.  At this point I am risking my sister, brother in law, nephews, great nephews, and mother.  Not just for be, but for my adult children as well.  All that to meet what I feel might be the healthy side of family that lives thousands of miles away.

[radical]

Hi Dee,
I ache when I hear your story.  Terrible cruelty.

Maybe there is another way to think of this.  You are not risking renewed ostracism from your original family - it never ended.  Living a lie, taking undeserved punishment in these circumstances, the pain you've lived with swqallowing that pain when you were so deeply betrayed - that's not family.  Now you have a chance of real relationships with family, cousins, aunts and uncles and feeling value and belonging.

For what it's worth, I don't think you will lose your sister and mother if they find out.

A few years ago I took a risk in standing up for myself, thinking I could lose my relationships with family if they found out.  They did find out.  Nothing was ever said.  If anything showing self-respect improved my relationships with them, opened space for truth.

I can't say what will happen, but you deserve so much better than what you have now and you have the chance of real family, validation and respect.  Nothing can ever make up for not having  had a non-abusive family, but it sounds like you have the chance of something valuable and even maybe healing.

I so admire your courage.  I know this won't be easy. 

Hugs and love

[Blueberry]

 

FWIW I was forbidden to tell anybody outside nuclear FOO what was going on inside it when I was 16-19 (somewhere in those 'worst' years), but when I finally did, nothing happened to me, no 'punishment'.

Other instances of FOO crazy logic suggest FOO would probably say about the ban: "Why didn't you go against it??" Blame the victim for sticking to FOO's crazy rules. Idk if your FOO partakes of that craziness or not.

You are very courageous. I agree with this from radical "you deserve so much better than what you have now and you have the chance of real family, validation and respect."

[BlancaLap]

You're brave, to find the courage to go to see your family... it's your Right to socialize and be with whom whoever you want and no one should be able to forbide that to you. If you need something, I'm here to talk.

[Dee]

Thank you for the support.  I am 100% sure my sister and mother would not talk to me again.  They did it once, they will do it again.  With that said, I do have the right to chose who I do and do not have relationships with.  I also have the right to be in control of my life.  If they find out and don't talk to me it is their choice.  Still, I am worried, scared and as it gets closer that will only increase.  I do think it is an important step in not letting others control me.  I still have three weeks.

[Three Roses]

I was not able to answer this post until now.

I know you now know (in your head) that you have rights you never knew you had. The right to come and go as you please. The right to safety. The right to have, or not have, closeness with others.

IMO, that you've never felt this freedom before is the direct result (at least partially) of your M's influence. And your sister, going along with the M's indoctrination, helped strengthen those dysfunctional rules, helping to keep you in a subordinate role in your family.

I relate to this set-up very, very strongly. It mirrors my own experience in my FOO. Maybe that's why it angered me. 

I know you're seeing things clearly now and you certainly don't need my input for that. I just wanted you to know I empathize, and am behind you 100%.

[Blueberry]

I know you now know (in your head) that you have rights you never knew you had. The right to come and go as you please. The right to safety. The right to have, or not have, closeness with others.

IMO, that you've never felt this freedom before is the direct result (at least partially) of your M's influence. And your sister, going along with the M's indoctrination, helped strengthen those dysfunctional rules, helping to keep you in a subordinate role in your family.

Now that you've spelled it out 3Roses, that's it, yes.

Really big step Dee, I think, just knowing that you have those rights. 

I'm realising too bit by bit the indoctrination for decades in my FOO which helped strengthen those dysfunctional rules and helped to keep me in a subordinate role in my family. And I'm still having an awful lot of trouble breaking out of them but one big step is to realise they're there and that we have a right to go against those rules. The rules I'm having trouble going against are different from yours. I wasn't punished for speaking outside the family, but that doesn't mean to say you won't be. My bad. What I fear getting punished for (speaking out), you've braved already.