And Now I Am Here

[Atlas]

Hello,
After stalking about the forum for a few weeks now I figure it's time to introduce myself.

I fell ill about 6 months ago. After exhaustive tests that produced no diagnosis my M.D. and I are slowing coming to the conclusion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. While looking into this disease I came across information that linked early childhood trauma (among other things) to CFS/ME.

I was aware that I didn't have a great childhood, that several of my ex's were abusive, and I have struggled throughout my life with depression, anxiety, and various issues including PTSD. I was not aware of how my FOO was still causing me pain and the extraordinary toll this has taken on my life in so many ways.

I started therapy last month (again) and have been doing a lot of reading. The past couple of weeks I have been struggling with the homework my T gave me. Which was to play. It sounded so simple but I just wasn't able to do it. I couldn't understand why. I fell down a rabbit hole and came out a looking glass. Yesterday, after several EFs I had a memory surface. Luckily, my SO was home and was able to talk me through it and comfort me. I have gained so much clarity in the last 12 hours. I know the road ahead is long and at times will be difficult. But I would not have made it as far as I have without this forum. I want to say thank you to everyone who has posted their truths and to everyone who responded with kind words. And to the lurkers like me may you find peace and solace.

[Rainagain]

Well done for posting Atlas, welcome!

It sounds like you have found pieces of the puzzle, I hope you continue to stay around here, this site has helped me.

Your post is full of courage and determination, go you!

[sanmagic7]

welcome, atlas, and thank you for posting.  it takes courage and you've shown you have that. 

yeah, when those realizations begin falling into place, it can be overwhelming.  glad you have someone there for you.

we're here for you, too.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Atlas! I hope participation on this forum will allow you to lay your heavy burdens down. Thanks for posting

(I love "The Velveteen Rabbit"!)

[Atlas]

Thank you for the welcome and encouraging words.

Rainagain - I'll be around! I'm glad my post sounds like it's full of courage because it definitely didn't feel that way. But I did it anyway and right now I'm celebrating every victory.

Sanmagic7 -  Thank you for being here. This piece was very difficult but it also brings some relief to finally have some answers.

Three Roses - Thank you, I'm working on it. It seems like it should be easier than it is.
The Velveteen Rabbit was one of my favorites.  Although, when I was little I would be sad because I thought I hadn't loved my toys enough to make them real.

[Jazzy]

Hi Atlas! Welcome! This is a beautiful post you've made, thank you.

It sounds like you're making good progress, and have support in place (your SO), that's wonderful! I'm really curious about your homework, it sounds rather difficult to me. Have you completed the assignment? "Play" what? That really caught me off guard, which is good.

I don't mean to pressure you, don't feel obligated to share anything you're not comfortable with.

[Atlas]

Hello Jazzy,
Thank you for your comment.
I like your curiosity! Those are good questions.

So, I have not completed my homework as of yet. We were doing some inner child work and at some point she asked me what I liked to do. I like to dance. I used to like to dance. And I like to make things. Tinkering mostly. My homework was to dance and/or play with an electronics lab kit that's been sitting in my closet unopened for 5 years.

I couldn't muster up enough force to do it. I've pretty much avoided it for 2 weeks. Everytime I got excited to do it, I would immediately feel sad, tired, and then horrible physical pain. I made some realizations but started having EFs. Like there was something more and then a memory resurfaced. As difficult as it has been these past few days I believe the memory resurfaced because I was ready to know and have gained the skills to handle the emotions that have come with it.

My anxiety is at an all time low and my pain is almost nonexistent. I feel more at peace and am working on giving myself permission to create joy in my life, to finally be able to play.

This was my experience with being tasked to play. I hope this answered your question as to what my T meant. Please feel free to ask whatever you want. If you or anyone chooses to 'play' or has done this and feels comfortable sharing their experience, I would like to hear how it went.

[goth_mike]

Welcome!  The beginning of your journey resonates with my own - after years of pain and confusion, learning what needs to be learned and the reasons behind everything falling into place was a huge relief.

It is good that you are tackling problems with immense courage and perseverance also, you evidently have a very strong character.

I also like electronic tinkering - trying to learn something about (enough to reliably repair!) 1930s radios at the moment.  I too used to have a 'block' regarding this (something I've always wanted to do but have not really gained the courage) and did not know why, until some memories began to surface which had solidly put a stop to my early enthusiasm for such things.  Being able to "get into" what you want finally is a wonderful new-found freedom :-)

Good luck on your journey, may it mark the beginning of a whole new life for you!

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Atlas 

I couldn't muster up enough force to do it. I've pretty much avoided it for 2 weeks. Everytime I got excited to do it, I would immediately feel sad, tired, and then horrible physical pain. I made some realizations but started having EFs. Like there was something more and then a memory resurfaced.

I hope your T reacts like mine does and says that your paying attention to all what happened including your feelings just on being asked to play is more important than the actual playing or the fact that you did not.

I've done a lot of IC work over the years and have many ICs of different ages. Most of the playing I have done has been things which help me stabilise or ground. Like I went through a phase of swinging for hours and another phase of finger-painting (something I never got to do as a child) and even foot-painting with finger paints. Also dialogues with stuffed animals. A couple of days ago I did a jigsaw puzzle, something I haven't done for a long time.

I often get up and dance to music. Music for little kids or music I heard as a teen or anything I listen to now.

There are times when I can't do any of this.

[Jazzy]

Yeah, great point Blueberry. It sounds like attempting the homework has had quite an impact, and helped you moved forward. Even though you haven't completed the task yet, it sounds like a big success!

This topic has really hit a soft spot for me. I don't want to hijack your thread, I don't even know what to say... it's just a "Whoa! I need to spend time thinking about this." reaction, hopefully that makes some sense. Thank you for sharing. 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Atlas,
Welcome to OOTS!

About the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: this is an area that often gets misdiagnosed or written off by the medical profession as ME (yes, even hospitals) unable to identify pathogens, viruses and bacteria at the root. If it continues long term, you might want to consider finding an independent microbiologist (if you haven't already). I'm just saying because my own chronic fatigue has been diagnosed and treated successfully by a microbiologist specialising in this area.... I discovered that having severely damaged nerves (CPTSD) made me vulnerable to certain neurological viruses and bacterial infections that impacted heart and brain function. There are quite a few strains that we are now exposed to. This may or may not be the case for you, it's just a suggestion. I hate to see people being blamed for chronic fatigue when they are actually suffering from a physical (undiagnosed) illness.

Wishing you all the best with your healing journey.

[Atlas]

Hi goth_mike,

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm glad to see you worked through your block. It gives me hope. It still feels like a strange thing to struggle with. Thank you for sharing your experience. I would at some point like to go back to school. At times it seems so far away. Like how can I do something that feels so big that I want to do when I can't do a small thing that I want to do. 

One foot in front of the other, I guess.

[Atlas]

Blueberry
Thank you for sharing your experience.
My T reacted really well. I was surprised about that. I walked into our appointment with a lot of anxiety. Feeling like I was going 'to be in trouble' and a disappointment. One more thing Atlas hasn't finished. Surprise surprise. (Hello, inner critic) She was none of those things. We did talk about how I felt about about it and staying present with what I was feeling and what was going on in my body as she does Somatic Experience with me.

I have found myself wanting to color lately. I think I'll get a coloring book and start there. Perhaps a littler me needs to play first.

Jazzy
Thank you for your support. I am interested in what you're experiencing about this. If it's hit a soft spot then maybe there is something there. I wouldn't want to leave you hanging if you need support too. Maybe we could start a different thread? For people to talk about this topic specifically. I don't know where that would go. A 'playroom' of sorts, I guess.

[Atlas]

Fen Starshimmer

Thank you for the info.! I'll look into that. I'm still undiagnosed as of yet and need to make another appointment with my Dr. She was receptive to CFS last I spoke to her. But I get the feeling here in the States it'll be here's your Dx and then they just give up looking for any root cause.
I have looked at the cpn protocol and took the NAC test. Essentially confirming a nasty bacterial infection. I do believe C-PTSD has compromised my immune system and me vulnerable to various infection. In addition to having genetic mutations that alter my methylation processes. I am determined to heal my body of this.
Thank you again, if you're  feeling up to it and have any more info. you think would be helpful please feel free to pm me.

[Blueberry]

That's great, Atlas, that your T reacted well! I do lots of colouring too - does me good.