New here, my story.

[Nora]

I'm 70 years old.  I started therapy for depression when I was about 30, though I had been depressed since childhood.  My diagnoses have included "girl with no self-esteem and a difficult mother", unipolar depression, bipolar depression, nightmare disorder.  I have taken every class of drugs from tricyclics to antipsychotics and have been resistant.  I have been an inpatient, taken classes, learned DBT, read every book they recommended.  I am having dissociative episodes, one of which landed  me in the ER since I could neither walk, nor talk.  When the tox screen came back negative and they ruled out heart attack and stroke, they sent me home without treatment.  It never dawned on me that an episode of that magnitude could be psychiatric in nature.  This year, the last of 17 therapists retired.  I found a new doctor two months ago who finally reassessed me and diagnosed CPTSD. 

My mother was a Borderline Personality.  She is finally dead, but, of course lives on inside me in the form of demeaning voices, depression, anxiety, and a host of physical ailments.  I look back on a life of lost opportunity and grief.  My rage is, at the moment, ungovernable.

I am going to be learning EMDR.  I am reading and trying to get myself under control.  I am angry at every healthcare professional to whom I told my story and who still missed such an obvious conclusion.  I hate virtually everyone I have ever met for kicking me when I was down. 

Here I hope to find the compassion I haven't found in life.  I hope to start believing that I may have a few good years ahead. 

[Kat]

Nora, I am so, so sorry.  You've been through way too much.  I'm glad you've finally found the correct diagnosis and that you'll be trying EMDR.  I haven't done EMDR, but I've heard it can be extremely helpful. 

My mother is Borderline, so I know all too well the special type of * you went through as a child.  It's horrific, truly horrific.  I totally get the part about looking "back on a life of lost opportunity and grief."  It's beyond unfair what was taken from us and your rage is justified.

I hope you stick around here.  There are really wonderful folks on this forum who can offer a lot of compassion and wisdom.  Be well.

[Sceal]

Dear Nora,

Welcome to the forum!

I am very sorry that you've had a rough upbringing with your mother. And to hear that the professionals haven't done their most important job: Listening.
I am with you on having disregard and anger towards people who kick when someone is already down. You've been through alot, too much.

[Dee]

Welcome, I feel you will find support here as you continue your difficult journey.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, nora, welcome.  i'm also 70, have been with therapist since my 30's, have been misdianosed, undiagnosed, misprescribed, unheard, denied, etc. etc. etc.  i can relate.  i, too, have hated all the professionals, psych and medical, who have danced around without helping me.

very glad you're here.  i've found so much help, support, and kindness here - these are the most loving, caring people i've never met.   i hope you find what you need here as well.  sending a hug (if you want it).

[Nora]

Thank you everyone, for being so kind.  I know I will love it here.
Nora

[BlancaLap]

Welcome to the forum, I hope you can find the love and support you deserve here.
I was misdiagnosed too, and the doctor knew what happened to me, but told me things like: "you have to forget" or "try not to think about it" and it made me so angry...
My father looks like he has BPD, so I relate to that too.
Anyway, good luck and sending you a big hug!

[Nora]

BlancaLap,

My doctors knew my story too.  They also told me to forget about it, move on etc.  They treated my fear of others as a phobia and when I followed their directions to go places and join people, paid no attention to my reports of crying before I went and feeling shame and worry over the things I did and said in the company of others.  They never tumbled on to the fact that 40 years of exposure to a supposed phobia really should have cured it.
Nora

[ah]

I look back on a life of lost opportunity and grief.  My rage is, at the moment, ungovernable.

Hi Nora 
I'm sorry I missed your post till now, but glad to say hello now. Your words could have been my own. You have every right to be furious!
Once they make up their minds they can hold onto it so stubbornly even though like you say, the fact that what they were offering didn't help you could have been a pretty good indicator. I was misdiagnosed by therapists too.
Though it does seem obvious that people who were hurt by others would seem to be... well, hurt would be a good word to describe it 
You're not alone.
I wish I could give you back your lost years and take away all this pain from us both.
I'm glad you're here.

[Nora]

Thank you, ah!  You are so kind.  I wish I could give you back your lost years too.
Hugs, Nora