I remember more

[Sceal]

A few months ago my T brought up the fact that I rarely could tell her what I had been doing the last week since our last sessions. Or that I couldn't remember why I had been feeling such big amounts of emotions on the score card. So we delved into the world of dissociation.
I was to practice to be more present. To write down how present I had been for the day. Some days were left blank, some with a questionmark. But steadily the number from 0-5 increased. (5 being present all the time, or most of the time).  I still fade away, or rather there are still gaps in my everyday life I don't recall. I struggle to remember which day it is and such. And I have to write down cheat words for what happened on which day. To sort it out.

But, and I know I should celebrate this, I am more aware of the things going on around me. I don't automatically "flee" mentally as I've been prone to. But there are times where I dearly wish I could just escape from. 

[BlancaLap]

Well done! Being present is the first step.

[woodsgnome]

I've encountered the same situation in therapy. I start dissociating, but lately I've begun noticing better when I'm doing so. At first it felt like I'd failed, that I reverted back to my inner defense rather than 'stay with the present', and apologized for bailing out, as it were.

My T indicates she feels it's a huge positive sign that I'm beginning to recognize when I start doing this. She has reassured me that it's normal for trauma survivors to dissociate, that I do it to feel safe--but that it's part of my old story; I don't have to stay so hidden anymore. I'm still a bit freaked that I can so easily dissociate, but it's why I'm in therapy to begin with--to go deep within and find a way to live with and be kind to myself.

I hope you can begin to be okay with this, too. 

[DecimalRocket]

That's great news, really. Dissociation can be tough. Even if it's not perfect, it's great that you're improving.

To me, it feels somehow like being pulled away in the atmosphere, like a balloon that was let go into the sky. Rising and rising slowly into the sky, farther away from being grounded. Until I suddenly pop under the heat of the sun in grieving.

The emotions I regain can be strange, alien, to me somehow. But when I dissociate, somehow I still want them back. To be grounded.

Well, I'm cheering you on Sceal. 

[Sceal]

It's annoying that I remember so little from my life.
And that some memories I only hold because people have told me of the events. Or because I've seen the portrayed in pictures.
I know I should be happy I remember more on a daily basis.
But at the same time, I don't like it. I guess, it's because it's new. And because change is scary.

[BlancaLap]

It's annoying that I remember so little from my life.

I understand what you say, it's the same for me, but when I remember I wish I had not done it lol (sorry for my english)

[Sceal]

I can understand that, BlancaLap. There is much I don't want to remember. But I do hope there's much I could remember without any fear too.

[BlancaLap]

But I do hope there's much I could remember without any fear too.

Same