C.'s Journal - A good day for my kitty

[C.]

After reviewing the threads I was debating between "progress" thread and journal thread.  I read the description that Kizzie wrote, thank you!, and that fits so here goes...

1/19/15 Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday

So I've moved back into my home after vacating it in February of 2012.  It had been our family home, full of 12+ years of my children's childhood, hosting many faith-based, family and friend gatherings.  I moved out when my anxiety was so bad I couldn't function or view my marriage as an independent person.  The house (a duplex) was also potentially in foreclosure, and my husband of 20 years who'd daily said that he loved me, had stopped. Instead, he said that he was going to move out to a studio apartment in the woods to "find himself," and where his mistress who'd I'd just learned about, could visit.  That way he could "visit" me and his son on his way to work while he was "deciding" what to do.  So I left.  He eventually moved her in.  And I felt triggered anywhere near the space.  Then they moved out.

I visited the space after 2 yrs of healing last spring and it felt like "home" again.  I wanted to return as the "new" me and make it "my" space.  I've been here for 6+ months and it has been healing.

The tragic part was our cat.  My ex didn't take her with him and so she lived outside in the carport through a year's worth of tenants.  She'd had 14 years of attentive care, always fed, able to sleep and spend time inside and outside.  Now she was 15+ years old, scraggly and pathetic looking.  Fortunately, the neighbor took to feeding her (my home is a duplex). Unfortunately, she'd taken to "not" using the kitty litter box, so I didn't want to bring her inside b/c of the potential mess.  Plus my bf at the time didn't care for having animals inside the house.  And I was afraid that if I brought her inside, she couldn't handle the cold outside.  And I think that with my CPTSD it was just too painful to attend to her.  I hoped to one day soon bring her inside again, but I wasn't sure when.  So, whenever I came home she'd meow pathetically and she eventually gave up.

Well, today I brought her inside.  She tentatively looked at me, and then, decidedly walked over the threshold into her home.   I cried for her suffering that was brought on by the divorce, by me, by circumstances that she couldn't control.  She simply contentedly curled up on the couch and turned over for me to rub her belly (we'd jokingly call her our "dog-cat") and groom her. 

Next, I felt that relief, that serenity that comes from taking a step forward in the healing process.  And I look forward to taking care of her again in the final years of her kitty life, snuggling on the couch together and feeding her and just being around my daughter's kitty again.

I love the way my cat communicates!   She went to the laundry room and meowed LOUDLY.   It's been about 3 years, but that was where she was always fed in the past.  I shed a few more tears, took her outside to the neighbor's food bowl and am on my way to the store to buy some cat food!

[Bluevermonter]

So happy that kitty has found her home!  Wish you two a peaceful, cozy house!   

[C.]

Thank you Bluevermonter!  Yes, she's found her home and made my house feel even more like a home

[Kizzie]

  to you and kitty - it sounds like not only you have made it your space, she has too. 

[schrödinger's cat]

That's such a poignant story, C. If this were a book, I'd expect your cat to be a symbol for something inside yourself that you'd lost touch to and are now reconnecting with. But from what you say, that wouldn't be so much of a stretch? I hope you and your cat will have many happy years ahead of you.

[C.]

Kizzie - very true!

Cat - Your post helped me think about this more deeply...yes I think as literary symbol she represents my acceptance of aging and the grief of having been abandoned, then being the "mature" one to re-mother her/me...