Is this an EF? (TW mental/physical abuse by parent)

[Mussymel]

I had never heard of EFs until I came on here and I'm not sure if I completely understand what they are but something happened today  that I think is it and I wanted to see if it is. I was cleaning my kitchen and singing along to Simon & Garfunkel. I was at the sink washing dishes and suddenly I was transported back to being a kid. When my M would go out to shops etc I'd be expected to clean up. I felt free when she left and would put on a record and sing along, Simon & Garfunkel was a favourite for cleaning the kitchen. Our sink looked out the window at our driveway and I would stand there hoping and praying that she crashed or somehow was killed. When .I would see her car come down the driveway my fear came back and I would frantically try to make sure I had cleaned the kitchen right. Of course I would have done something wrong.
Today I suddenly got overtaken by fear and felt sick. I was able to keep the panic in check but have felt that sense of fear and doom since. Is that an EF?

[ah]

Hi Mussymel,

Yikes, how terrifying for you to grow up like that! I'm so sorry.

As for what you felt today, I can only speak from personal experience but yes, it sounds a lot like an EF to me.
I guess they feel a little different to each one of us. To me it feels as though I'm trying to mind my own business in the present moment, doing things, and then all of a sudden I'm crushed under my feelings of shame and fear, I feel completely helpless and I fall into a deep hole of self blame.
Panic, fear and doom describe it perfectly in my experience. Feeling sick, too.

The trigger can be just about anything, it can be the most neutral things that for us were connected to fear and panic, but for someone else they may have no such connotation at all. It can be a word, a facial expression, something that serves as a reminder of a past experience just like washing the dishes.
If I'm not wrong music can be a powerful trigger of emotions, it can take us straight back to how we felt when we heard it even if it was decades ago.

Also, an EF can be ignited in a split second as our fight / flight mechanism is very fast, but calming it down takes longer.
Do you have things you've noticed help you when this happens?

That's some very impressive self awareness 
I know how mind numbing it is, how hard it can be to recognize what's happening and to give it words.

[Mussymel]

Thanks for the reply Ah. Unfortunately I had a huge screaming row with my DH not long after this so I'm really not in a good place now. Had to put on my mommy mask and reassure my kids that it's all okay. The screaming rows are rare but it's not all okay and I'm feeling very alone.

[Blueberry]

It sounds like an EF to me, when you were washing dishes. You know the memory attached to your feelings. That's hard,  for me anyway. Like a double whammy.

I'm sorry about the row and that you're feeling so alone. Is there some small piece of self-care you can do to make yourself feel better? That's good in EFs as well.

Now that you've reassured your real kids, it might help you to reassure your Inner Child, the one who had to clean the kitchen while her M was out doing errands, that M and her criticism is no longer in the picture! That's what I learnt in IC work - that part of us doesn't realise that time has moved on and that there is no longer such need to be frightened. Easier said than done, but bit by bit your IC will begin to believe you and not get into such a big EF.

All the best with this! I take off my hat to you and everyone else on here working through CPTSD with a spouse and kids in tow. 

[Mussymel]

Thanks Blueberry. I'm okay. I think I am going to be starting some IC work with my T next week. I've found it hard to do in past counselling but hope this T's methods are better given that it is specialised trauma therapy. It is really hard to be trying to work through this and then switch back into 'normal' life. My kids are quite young so I have to be mommy. Also trying my best to not screw them up too. i rang my sister who gets it it so that helped. She is an alcoholic and I told her I envied her tonight because I want a way to just make myself numb. But alcohol doesn't work for me.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Mussy.

Yes, emotions can be overwhelming in an EF. Mine feels like a disconnected tv, the pixels in a noisy black and gray, and the signal to think clearly not working. It's confusing, and it feels like I have to process several emotions and thoughts at once.

But anyway, I wish you the best to find a way to heal.  It's a tough task for all of us.

[Mussymel]

Thanks DL