The Nassar Sentencing Hearings *TW Sexual & Other Abuse*

[Phoebes]

This is an intense subject-watching these young women speaking to their abuser, and all that has transpired. I'm sorry if this is weird and out of place.

The odd thing is, as they are speaking, I am relating their story directly to my experiences with my UNPD/BPD abusive M. As they are verbalizing his grooming tactics, other peoples' support of and excuses for him, his brazenness, and how they were gaslighted into submission, even in plain sight of their parents, I can't help but relate it directly to my experiences that ruined my childhood. Ruined my truest and outlook of relationships. Killed my spirit. So many people should have seen, and I believe DID, see enough to where it should have been reported many times. Why did they support the abuser instead of the child?

A lot of what the girls are saying directly to him is what I would like to say to my M. I have read to write a letter but don't share, as they will just twist it and use against you. I won't have another conversation with her, because in all of the ones I have tried to have, she cuts me off, twists my words, and lies, rages, and uses the "new" story against me and to others. She drives the knife in farther. I think from listening to these testimonies, I am hearing how much they were gaslighted into questioning their own reality, telling themselves he is to be believed because of his authority, feeling so much anxiety and depression and not realizing why, in the dark for so long that it was not THEM. They were right to listen to their intuition.

I guess the difference is he is sitting in a court room, being judged and sentenced, in the presence of people who can shut him up and have his number, and even police presence. I feel this would be necessary to stop my NM's insane twisting of tales and shutting me down if I were to ever have the opportunity to read HER a letter. She would never listen, probably not even if she were the one being sentenced.

I was molested by my mother's father. Not only not believed, but made to go back, visit, left alone. The "official" story by her is once I told I was protected. When I say otherwise, she says that is not true. And if it were true, that would make it my fault for not telling again. I wonder if she is listening to these women, and if she is, if for one second she thinks of me, what I went through at his hands, but especially hers. I wonder if she even remembers the horrible things she said to me in our last conversation. How she defended herself and him, and said she didn't ever do anything (that she did) and how she will never apologize and doesn't owe me an apology, because if I had kids I would have made the same mistakes.  I'm trailing off the subject now, but it is helping clarify a few things regarding HER abuse, hearing these girls speak of their stories. Many pieces from each are somewhat healing for me as well, hearing them empowered and validated.

[Elphanigh]

Pheobes,

I have had many feelings come up surrounding the trial too. It js both amazing and heartbreaking to watch and read about what these girls went to. For me I have connected it to the people that failed me, or made me question my own reality like that.

It has made me sad because I know I, and many of us here, will never had our abusers called out and recognized. There is a closure in that so many of us deserve and never get.

I am sorry to hear about everything with your M. It may be healthy to wrote the letter even if she never hears it.

Standing with you through this 

[alliematt]

I've never dealt with sexual abuse, and I'm so sorry for those of us here who have.  What I found interesting about the sentencing hearing was the culture around Nassar and the girls he abused.  His reputation was more important than their well-being, and no matter who they told or what they said, nothing was going to be done.  That's how I feel about my experiences with bullying:  no one was going to do anything, so why say anything?

[Dee]

I sat in a courtroom and listened to a guilty plea.  It was validating and crushing at the same time; it was real.  Yet, it was still twisted with my mother.  Somehow, even with the confession, the guilty plea, and the prison sentence my mother still blamed me.  According to her he was forced into confession (there was hard evidence), it never happened, it was my fault.  She continued to support the abuser, not her daughter.  Still, she never stood by me or protected me.  Justice was served and I was alone.  Alone, but no longer being hurt in THAT way....

20+ years later I know it was all about her.  What she had to tell herself to live with her actions and inactions.  I even found out she wouldn't tell my family where I was and let me believe they had abandoned me.

What I know now it was never about me.  And there is the problem.  I had kids and didn't make the same mistakes.  It is hard to come to terms with my mother could and never will be what I need. I have to be the person she never was and so I am working on it.

I am a little sick so I hope this makes some sense.  No matter what, I couldn't count on my mom either, so I had to count on me. 

[Elphanigh]

Alliematt,it makes sense that you feel that way about the bullying you went through.  I am sorry to hear you went through that  I experienced years of sexual abuse, so I relate strongly to these girls where abuse was happening at the hands of someone whose reputation was more important and more beleiveable than my words. It is good to see that the6 have regained their voices and power in this way.

Dee, that is awful that your mom nevertheless supported you. I understand on a different level just how hard that feeling can be. The court room experience sounds terrifying to me, and I am so proud of how brave you were to go through that.  Your post makes complete sense, even sick, I promise.

[Phoebes]

Elpanigh- Thank you for the support. Yes, the gaslighting is so apparent here. The pain in these womens' stories when they are describing the gaslighting from him and his crew as the WORST part really rings home with me. In my last conv. with my Nm I didn't know any of this yet, but I told her the worst part isn't the molestation or abuse, it's your continual denial that anything actually happened. To which she attacked further and said I was too sensitive and exaggerating, and that it was my fault if anything happened. (Which was so painful, but now that I know these are the cliche things abusers say, it's validating). I have written pages of several letters. It's really too long and too much, so I gave up on trying to consolidate it into one.

alliematt- bullies are abusers, abusers are bullies! I don't know if you mean school bullies or family ones, but I am in a profession where I see this bully culture in young children and teens. It's interested how, when listening to all perspectives, the bullies ALWAYS see themselves as the victim. Interesting huh. The same kinds of adults who think mothers all love their children also think children are too young to be capable of such things, even though it is so pervasive. It all makes no sense to me, yet these women are really clarifying to me how this happens. You'd think educated adults would SEE what is going on, and know they should protect young victims. But here he is in court playing the victim, and where are the other bullies who should be there? Not showing up! I'm sorry you've been part of this bully culture. I was too long ago, but I know it is far worse for those in the social media age. I think the key thing we are all grasping is- stay away from these sick evil people and see it for what it is.

Dee- your words and experience here are profound. It sounds like you had the "ultimate" narcissistic mother experience. Not in a good way. It sounds like you are doing a great job of healing and being "you." All of that abusive stuff was NEVER you. Those perps would have done it to any vulnerable person, who they see as an object. It hurts to the core to know our mothers were never capable of love. Or chose not to love, or even try to improve. I know this pain very well. Things have gotten so much better though. I feel more relaxed within myself since I have been gently reparenting, and seeing things more clearly. I am recently realizing like you said, that she can't handle what she did to me, so she will lie to her dying day. Her feelings are the only important thing to her. HER feelings about MY abuse. Sheeesh. I can't believe I ever gave this so much time and hope and forgiveness and love and waiting for it to get better.

I get the sense WE are a "strong army" against these predators, like the women speaking out. I'd like to find a way to speak out, to be able to help those in this situation hear that it's not their fault. I guess I'm not there yet.

[alliematt]

I don't know if you all heard, but the guy got a minimumsentence of forty yearson top of the 60 he's already been sentenced to for child porn.  The judge said, "I just signed your death warrant."