Dating

[chris2018]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I am grateful because CPTSD really fits what I have experienced in life

I always avoided relationships because I had a deep pain inside that would be triggered by the smallest sign of perceived rejection. After going to therapy I know this came from my childhood and is only my perception. (Unfortunately, my therapist was not familiar with CPTSD, but that doesn't matter).

I am now 41, and have been dating a wonderful woman of the same age. I am very attracted to her, but this is strongly triggering those feelings. I have been unable to sleep and concentrate over the smallest perceived slights (none of which have turned out to be real).  I am trying to accept the feeling, let it pass, and not act on it, but I know this will eventually become self-sabotaging..

I can tell she values openness. She told me about her post-partum depression and shared some youtube links about "fear vs love". When I told her I have had panic attacks, she was very appreciative. I think she would like me to share more about myself, but I don't know how to describe my past and condition without driving her away.

I think I should say something like "I have had this condition that I manage, I sometimes feel down, but it is nothing to do with you". Is there any other advice on how to deal with this?

Thank You

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, chris2018! I'm glad you're here.

When I meet a new person (friendships - I'm married), I try to be as authentically me as possible with them. That way I'm honest and vulnerable from the beginning. Can you get hurt that way? Absolutely. But it hurts a lot less losing someone at the threshold of something permanent rather than years into it.

Having had post partum depression (which is horrible - the name doesn't do it justice), hopefully she will understand that this is a physiological condition, as much as or more than an emotional one. We have a section of downloadable/printable material, maybe something there can get the discussion rolling... http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Thanks for joining!

[Dee]

Welcome!  I'm glad you are here.

I don't have much to offer in your situation.  I am in the currently in the position of avoiding a relationship.  What I have said is "if I ever do get into one again it has to be someone that knows me and can get me."  I do feel that someone who truly cares, knows me, will be willing to ride out the storm.  I also know I would absolutley do that for someone else.

I wish you the best and I would love to know how it works out.

[miaoue]

hey chris, glad you are here and vicariously excited for your relationship!

i had a similar dilemma with my current partner...should i tell him about my condition(s), and in how much detail? even with someone who is open and receptive, it's definitely not easy to choose the right words... luckily(?) for me, because of my ongoing situation, some of the info was out in the open already. so i knew going into the relationship that my partner was ready to deal with some stuff.

it seems like you also have a positive signal from your gf, since she told you about her own history and seemed glad that you opened up a bit about yours. still, when you are sharing something as "big" as cptsd, it's pretty intimidating. like what if you hit that threshold where it is just too much for the other person and they don't want to deal? i had that fear big time...still sometimes do, actually!

i think i started by telling my partner something like "i have a long history of physical/mental illness...it's hard to explain all at once, but i'll keep telling you more when it's relevant/when it's a good time to talk, is that ok with you?" he seems fine with the recurring, scattered bits of information coming in. at least it's easier on both of us than talking about everything at once.

I think I should say something like "I have had this condition that I manage, I sometimes feel down, but it is nothing to do with you".

i like that phrasing, because a caring and sensitive partner may worry that your sadness or anger is their fault, and want that reassurance that it isn't. honestly, they would probably rather have the "here's a very intimate and maybe shameful truth about me" conversation than the "you pissed me off/upset me" one!

I have been unable to sleep and concentrate over the smallest perceived slights (none of which have turned out to be real).  I am trying to accept the feeling, let it pass, and not act on it, but I know this will eventually become self-sabotaging.. 

my partner and i both endured abusive relationships as an adult and we have that same issue with over-detecting slights or blaming ourselves for the other's bad mood. even if it's very unlikely that i had anything to do with it, i still get that feeling. we basically agreed to give voice to this stuff because even if it's awkward, suppressing it is worse.... either of us is free to say "hey i noticed you seem a bit off today, and i was wondering if it was because i said/did XYZ?" or "i just wanted to check if you felt frustrated with me and that's why you ABC?"

99% of the time, it's totally off base and we find the other a bit silly, but it feels great being free to ask for the reassurance without being judged.

i hope some of that is helpful, and i'm rooting for you two

[chris2018]

Thank you for the kind replies. It really helps to know others understand and have dealt with the same issues.

I spoke with her on the phone and told her that I grew up in a volatile environment, and spent a long time isolating myself because I couldn't deal with the pressure. I also said i want to be transparent, but have to work on it.  i think, if anything, she liked that I trusted her. I do feel much better not having to hide it (as I have always done). I don't think I would be able to relax in the relationship without explaining this, so it probably wouldn't work anyway.

I guess, in this regard the self-sabotaging part of me helps. One thought is: "If she doesn't like this, then good...you don't have to deal with the stress of a relationship anymore."