small breakthrough

[samantha19]

So I totally screwed up an interview today because the pressure of being left alone to do a test literally made me cry. I tried to hide it when the interviewer came back in and think I managed, but I ended up making excuses and leaving early because I just wanted out pretty much.
It's not a big deal, I was doing it as a practice interview / back up largely, but the experience wasn't fun.

I went into bad depression mode quickly, of course. Losing appetite, physically exhausted beyond belief and just the feeling of horror filled death screaming in all of my cells (idk how else to describe it with words? Lol. Srsly though).

So after many hours I was doing a bit of soul searching cause I didn't really understand why I got so severely triggered.

It's funny as well cause I was probably capable of doing the test, I done most of it before deciding to escape. It was my mental illness being triggered that seemed to screw things up so majorly.

Cause it was initially triggered by an issue that I found the solution to, that's a running theme in my work life: If I can't do something instantly, BOOM triggered... Oop I done it guess I'm not 100% crap after all better rein in the spiralling despair, I'm actually doing alright here. Yey!
And the cycle endlessly continues.

So I realised what it is. It's the terrifying fear of being caught out as not good enough, the crap person, the lowest of the low.

I was bullied in school, suffice it to say, but I was quiet and fearful long before that. I guess the feeling of not being good enough runs deep.

So that's my fear. I'll need to work around that.

My social anxiety is worse than I thought I guess, cause it was getting better - so much better.

But it keeps coming out as this performance anxiety which is just so unbearable. Because I'm thinking what if I cant do it? What if I cant even finish my attempt? And it feels like it will be so humiliating or it'll be confirmed that I'm the stupid one or whatever.

Idk.

I wanted to write this out cause it felt good to at least get to the root of the triggering and the depression: Fear of not being good enough. Or rather fear of being discovered to be / discovering I am crap. Being scorned and judged. Being seen as the lowest of the low.

(can guess what family figure that might be coming from )

It's a perfectionistic fear as well. I don't want to be not the worst but not the best. I want to be pretty damn perfect in these things, other results are terrifying.

Something to work on and look at for sure.

[sanmagic7]

i think it's a big breakthrough, myself.  wow - that was some deep exploration you did there, and congrats on finding gold.  i say that cuz you now have a nugget that is something you can look at and do something with.  good for you, samantha. 

these realizations, at least for me, have been major stepping stones to making pos. changes for myself.  i hope it does the same for you.   

[Dee]

So I realised what it is. It's the terrifying fear of being caught out as not good enough, the crap person, the lowest of the low.

I totally understand this.  Even when I do well I feel like a fraud that is going to be found out.  It has become so bad that the stress of it led it unhealthy coping to the point I can no longer work.  I however, am fortunate enough not to have to.  I think it is fantastic you were able to figure out what happened.  Without awareness nothing can improve.