Anger

[ah]

Oh, of course you didn't mean to hurt me, you wouldn't. You're such a kind, thoughtful person that never crossed my mind. 

It was a good exercise for me actually. I wasn't sure I should say it was me. It's such a tiny thing but it was like watching cptsd in action inside my head... I thought "I'm invisible! Evil me! Here we go again! Final proof I'm unbearable! I give up!" blah-blah-blah went my inner critic, it had a lot to say. Speaking of anger, I had lots of exaggerated anger directed at myself for a few moments. I quieted it down and thought okay, say nothing. Not important, never mind, speaking is scary, being silent is safer. Be quiet and you'll get no trouble. But then I thought: wait, the purpose of the forums is to do just these sort of things. To be transparent without losing yourself, so go for it. So I did. I ended up learning a lot from it you gave me a big present. Please mess up more often..? 

Blueberry, so sorry for temporarily hijacking your thread. 

[Blueberry]

So this reaction is stuck in me.

interesting choice of words here, blueberry.  if it's 'stuck in you', it would make perfect sense to me that your reaction to anything similar that's brought to mind about them would be so debilitating.  it doesn't matter, to my mind, how far away, how adult you are - that reaction is still 'stuck', and my guess is that until it becomes unstuck, you will continue to be devastated even by the thought of either of those people.

to be consistently raged on as a child, especially by 2 different people, i can't even imagine that such a horrible fear wouldn't have entered your very cells.   i can totally see how you might become paralyzed, anxious, or overwhelmed as an adult, even at the thought of the word.  we're talking fundamental building blocks of your being having been violated. 

i believe that it can get unstuck with the right kind of work.  just like the brain has plasticity to re-wire itself, our cells can grow new receptors that attract pleasure/neutrality rather than the pain they've been conditioned to attract.   (i've read about that elsewhere when exploring healing the wounds of narc abuse).   

this may be contradictory to what your t believes. 

The reaction being "stuck" in me is what sort of flowed out of my fingers while I was typing. So I'm sure it's correct atm, but I'm equally sure my T doesn't think the reaction has to remain stuck!

This panic at minor technical stuff is actually a topic for therapy in the near future.

(ah, no problem)

[sanmagic7]

i probably put a different meaning into your t's words when i read them.   it sounded like she was frustrated that you're still having that fear reaction.  that's one of the negatives about this type of communication - we can't hear the inflection of a person's words, so sometimes they read a different way than was said.  sorry if i made an incorrect assumption here.

i really do hope that you can find the way to get those feelings unstuck.  and, i agree, if that's what came out of your fingers, it's probably exactly how it feels.  best with this, blueberry.  warm caring hug to you.

[Blueberry]

One of the really good things about my T is that he doesn't ever show any frustration with me. Idk if he feels it occasionally. he might. But show it - never! On the contrary, particularly in the first year, his whole body language including facial expression showed encouragement when I talked about realisations or steps I'd made forwards. He was really rooting for me, but without me getting emotionally dependent on him. Striking a fine balance there. 

No need to apologise san.