Hardest part to recovering

[Kizzie]

Hi Schroedingerskatze and welcome to OOTS!

Thanks for the link, I'm going to post the link in the Resources section and also the "Basic Rights in a Relationship" section to the Recovery Toolbox - it's a good handout to post on the fridge or keep in the nightstand to remind ourselves.

In the case of CPTSD  I agree that our past just keeps following us around until we do something about it. When someone says we are "dwelling in the past" it really does invalidate us.   "Oh, honey, if only you'd stop thinking about those weird chewing noises coming from the walls, you'd be just fine." Yes indeed, lots of chewing sounds in my walls over the years.

Glad you found your way here and when you're ready perhaps you could tell us a little about yourself in the Intro forum.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Kizzie, thanks for the welcome. I posted something in the intro forum. It's probably too long, but if I start editing it, I'll never post it - I'm a little afraid of the internet because I was triggered there once. So, my apologies in advance.

Glad you liked the text I linked. I like that it's short and to the point, but still precise enough.

About the original point of this thread: I remembered something I read about PTSD once. About primary symptoms and secondary symptoms, and that the one thing that makes a huge difference in how you cope is, do people listen to you? They didn't to me. It's a sour comfort, knowing that it's not just me feeling that this was difficult to deal with. Still, a sour comfort is better than none.

[Kizzie]

I was thinking as I read your post SDK about all the soldiers who struggled to tell people that they had PTSD and few listened in the beginning.  My H just retired from the military and my F and B were military so I've seen just how far acceptance of the diagnosis and availability of treatment has come, not all the way but certainly miles beyond where it was.  Those with PTSD have a voice and I think those of us with CPTSD need one too so that we can be more open.

We were/are often lumped under PTSD or misdiagnosed and part of that IMO is because so many of us suffer emotional abuse/neglect rather than physical/sexual abuse and that is much less tangible.  I knew I had suffered and was still suffering in adulthood, but my family of origin (FOO) looked good, successful and loving so how do you talk to anyone about feeling abused/neglected?  Then I found my way to "Out of the FOG" (our sister site which deals with living/working with personality disordered individuals), and things became very clear; I finally had the language to describe my parents' behaviour and the effect it had on me.  I was validated and affirmed - what a wonderful feeling!

CPTSD was the final big piece for me. "Out of the Storm" came to be out of that very need you bring up in your post SDK, to affirm and validate our experiences with CPTSD. It is such a relief to be heard and not to be alone I agree.   

[pam]

SK, Have you been listening to my NPD Grandmother? Lol. We have to add "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!"  and "That was then, this is now." to the list of denying and invalidating statements.

I have used the broken leg analogy myself. But I love your termites in the frame of the house one much better! I also used to say to therapists, "I was only given wood, yet you and everyone else expects me to build a skyscraper, but guess what? Wood only goes so far!"

I think one of the worst things that can happen is to be invalidated as a person, to have your thoughts and feelings swept aside like unwanted dirt....happened to me so much by my family and some friends too. I think that's why emotional and verbal abuse is so damaging. 

[Annegirl]

Hi, thank you Pam and Schroedingkatze for your replies.
They do help so very much.
I have stopped therapy for now. I don't know why I stopped therapy, I just didn't know what to say to the therapist last time and she didn't initiate anything of what she had suggested the time before needed a lot more work, she also told me that I needed to keep the children from interrupting ( it's Skype) as she is from USA. And I don't know quite how to have sessions without any interruptions as my husband is usually at work during sessions.
  I want to do more sessions eventually as I still have a facial tic since my mother stopped me from flying to NZ to see my father when he had a heart attack and was in ICU although it has lessened and also I finally plucked up the courage the other day to ring "home" and wish my dad a happy Father's Day even though my mum answered the phone. It was very awkward and monosyllabic and my father seemed to want to get off the phone as quick as possible, they both were very cold to me and I felt hurt because my father has changed a lot towards me. My mother turned 'her rejecting me' into 'me rejecting her' somehow. 
I don't know what I feel about this whole thing but I do feel pretty * and hate myself for making mountains out of mole hills. Which I genuinely believe I do, just need to talk about it because I feel so rotten about the whole thing.
I also feel confused and totally don't trust my own thinking on this whole thing, I keep thinking I've got it all wrong, I'm very up and down. I feel there is nothing I can hold onto. Except my husband who I wish he was around 24/7. I thought ootf understood, I thought my parents would understand life an death situations, like when I lost the baby and when my father was on deaths door, and now I thought my therapist would understand what I needed to work on,

[Badmemories]

AnneGirl wrote:

It was very awkward and monosyllabic and my father seemed to want to get off the phone as quick as possible, they both were very cold to me and I felt hurt because my father has changed a lot towards me. My mother turned 'her rejecting me' into 'me rejecting her' somehow.

I have seen this response over and over in My life. NPD's are good at turning things around, and making everyone look like the bad guy. They have real short memories also!
Abuse from Parents is the gift that keeps on giving.

I don't know what I feel about this whole thing but I do feel pretty * and hate myself for making mountains out of mole hills. Which I genuinely believe I do, just need to talk about it because I feel so rotten about the whole thing. I also feel confused and totally don't trust my own thinking on this whole thing, I keep thinking I've got it all wrong, I'm very up and down. I feel there is nothing I can hold onto

I for one don't think You ARE making mountains out of Mole hills. In fact I think that "making mountains out of mole hills" was sometimes a Gaslighting term to Make us feel crazy,unimportant, invalidated. All YOUR feelings are important. Don't forget that! As we with CPTSD work on our problems, we are going to have up and down feelings! I am hoping at least personally that I have less and less of the down feelings as I work through this stuff.

So many concepts I am reading about on here and OOTF make me feel confused. Actually sometimes I feel just stupid! I am very intelligent I don't understand the concepts just Yet. I think it is MY brain metering out how much I can handle at one time. If I understood it too fast them maybe My health, physically, and emotionally might be compromised. So don't worry about what confuses you just work at what You can understand now in the moment!

I don't know why I stopped therapy, I just didn't know what to say to the therapist last time and she didn't initiate anything of what she had suggested the time before needed a lot more work, she also told me that I needed to keep the children from interrupting ( it's Skype) as she is from USA.

That must have been hard to get therapy with the kids in the background... Kids everywhere always act up when you get on the phone... I am sure it was the same thing with You. That was hard I'm sure.  Perhaps she was not a very good fit for You. I have read on OOTF how hard it is to get a good therapist!

I am trying to keep reading OOTF, and keep reading here. I go to the sites recommended and read over things. Some of them I keep pinned to the page, so I can refer to them. Some days I read and understand more.. sometimes less. I think I am having a difficult time of healing because I have the crap buried SO deep I haven't thought about it for years. So far a few things have come out and I do try and think about them. I try and think about how I felt then.. then I try and put My adult head into the thoughts. I try and soothe the child and say "it's OK It wasn't your fault, no normal adult would do that to a child."  I notice when I read others incidents for being abused as a child I can say.. That's not right they should have done this...The hard part is EVEN thinking that I was abused as a child. I mean I know I was, but It is hard to face that YOUR parents, or whoever abused you. It is so much easier to feel sympathy for someone else... and yet we do NOT give it to ourselves!

Except my husband who I wish he was around 24/7

I am thankful that You have YOUR husband to help you. That is really nice. My uNPDH is an A$$hole, treats me like crap, so I have to deal with him to.

[Badmemories]

Just a second.. thought you might like to read this link! It is on Gaslighting.

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=32713.0

Pretty revealing on what Families do to their children, wives, husbands etc.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh man. I'm so sad for both of you. This sounds really, really, really hard to deal with. I know the moment someone criticizes me, I panic. And the rational part of me can explain things until he's hoarse: the hurt part of me "knows" that this is simply the cycle of emotional abuse starting all over again.

My mother does that too - keeps me at arm's length, says hurtful things, but woe betide me if I do the same things to her. I'm just so tired by now.

I'd be sorry if you stopped posting here.

[Annegirl]

Thank you so much Badmemories, and also thank you Schroedinger for your kind words,
i got taught all my life pretty much a lot of what i said was wrong and if i was emotional i would get beaten for it. I stopped daring to talk to people, and i didn't talk or show my emotions for years, too much shame in being emotional, my therapist told me i need to cry and my facial tic will go away as i stopped crying years ago, now there is a lot of what i am feeling and thinking again that i will never share i thought i had learned when i started talking again what is acceptable and what is not, but i must have been wrong. Like you, i won't share much anymore.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh man, yes, that's how I feel, too. There's this sudden, profound shock and fear and embarassment: "GAH, I've made a mistake again, I've been unacceptable again, I've again laid myself open to abuse." And it's two-sided. The other side is: "I thought this place was safe but it's not." If someone criticizes me in a certain way, I'll never trust them again. I'm hoping this will change over time, but right now, that's what it's like.

[Annegirl]

Yes that's it exactly Schroedingerskatze....
<3

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks. Do you know how unfamiliar this is: feeling normal? This has changed my entire life.

[Badmemories]

I'd be sorry if you stopped posting here.
Thank You for that validation. I needed that! I really do like writing. I do think I have things to share.  I have done a lot of work on myself... now I am working on the CPTSD.

The things I am thinking about now is that all this treatment that I have gone through why Didn't they tell me about NPD's? That would have helped so much in continuing to get better after treatment. At this point, I have My uNPD Sis, MY unpd MOM, and My unpd husband. The next thing is why didn't them talk more about the childhood abuse? I know that they knew about it . This is what happened to ME during my last inpatient treatment.

I was staying at my Mom's during inpatient treatment. I was walking as it was so close. So uNPDMom decided to clean out my car for me. I thought it was a nice gesture, and then I looked at the FEW boxes she had left  for me in the garage, and noticed there wasn't anything in there. Hey I admit MY car was/is a mess. She put all the garbage from My car in bags that were waiting to go out when the garbage men would come and get it. I was staying at her house during My inpatient treatment. I waited until she went to bed,and I started going through the bags and many of my important papers and other items were in the bags. I sorted through some of the bags and realized I did not have enough time to go through them all. So i put them in the trunk of My car and went to treatment the next day. Since we always had lunch at the same time in DPT (day patient Treatment.) She came during the lunch period. She demanded MY keys and said that I was sick to keep that stuff. I would NOT give her the keys and we had a loud, heated, argument in the parking lot. Being uNPD she was of course mad that I would not give her the keys. I went into treatment for afternoon Therapy and I was crying My eyes out!!! I mean I am the person who does NOT cry much. I mean with all this Drama that My uNPDM was causing why didn't I get some kind of Identify things that I could go on after treatment and look up so I could have MORE understanding of what I needed to learn to grow?

Honesty I was/am living with a uNPDH. I had paperwork that I needed. I had pictures and things My Son sent me when he was in Iraq. I thought I go everything but in fact missed things that I had bought to start drawing. I lost the paints,paintbrushes, and the books. I still haven't bought things to replace the things that i bought for that.. and haven't started painting yet. I guess too many bad memories .

So unfortunately, I would like to find a therapist to help me with things, but don't know HOW to find a good therapist, and one that can help me. I did find one that I went to for several months.  I was paying for it out of MY own money because insurance did not cover it, and I didn't feel like it was helping. I don't know why. I guess she was just validating my feelings... but I was not growing much. During that same time I went to the local shelter, explained about all the abuse I was going through, and that T did not understand why I was so afraid to get a divorce and just leave uNPDH. He has not physically abused me for 14 years, and I guess that they don't realize that when you are not getting Physically abused that YOU ARE STILL AFRAID. Over and Over she just said Divorce him. leave the papers on the table and just do it. Well I wanted Mental Help to get over the hurdles that kept me from divorcing him. I KNEW that I needed it... but NO help there!

So the Day Patient treatment was helpful, but since I had GOOD insurance then, I think that they just put me in a group and hoped that will help. Some of it did, but I still feel that what I went through was just a way to get the insurance money and run. I thing that what did help was talking about problems with other patients, (socializing). I am all alone and don't socialize at all now!!

Sorry to ramble on, hopefully this will help one of YOU!

[schrödinger's cat]

That sounds incredibly painful. That someone would steal your things and then blame you for wanting to protect what's yours is jaw-dropping. How many of your rights has your mother waltzed all over?

It's a shame that your mother's actions ruined painting for you (at least for now).

I don't socialize either. I'm hoping to do it again one day, but for now, it's just too energy-consuming. Even just meeting acquaintances on the street is stressful. I'm always paralyzed with fear because I was usually abused especially if I seemed unhappy or dour.