Divorce: My parents never told me

[kdke]

One of the EF's I deal with from time to time is my parents' divorce. I remember sitting in the back of my mother's work (she worked for Check 'n Go at the time) and she asked me if I wanted to live with her or my dad.

Now... I understand many kids are smart enough to understand what this could mean, but with the stress I was under all the time with home and school, my comprehension levels were crap. I didn't really understand what she was asking me at all, so I answered very simply: her, of course. I was a mama's girl.

It wasn't until the moment that we started driving away from my father that I realized what was happening. I cried so hard, I felt so hurt and scared. No one walked me through what any of it meant; I don't think it processed until I and my mother were in our new apartment. I was 11 years old.

I know this is an EF for me because any time I remember it, I feel utter, nauseating, instant distress and heartbreak. I dissociate and feel ready to bawl; I can't focus until it goes away. I start to feel very upset and angry that my parents had done that to me.

But that was kind of the story of my life, and really, it was probably my mother who chose to control what information I'd have about the whole incident. She really had an iron grip on me for many years, until adulthood. Not knowing major events until the last moment was a common occurence in my life. Talk about jarring. Considering how I was treated because I was a child, she probably thought at some point that me understanding the divorce wasn't important. I was a kid--who cares, right?

I can't remember anything between that question my mother asked me and then the drive away from my father. Nothing at all. There are lots of chunks of my childhood memories that are like that.