The Grand Hoover has arrived...feeling melancholy

[Rainydaze]

The invitation from NF to attend his wedding turned up in the post earlier in the week. All flying monkeys have been summoned. I'm expected to attend to be humiliated and gaslighted (as if I'd put myself through that). 4 months into no contact last July and out of the blue he proposed to his partner after years of stating that he would never marry her. The marriage itself doesn't bother me, it's the blatant manipulation behind it that rattles me and it's not something I can explain to anyone other than those who have had close contact with personality disordered people and understand what makes them tick. He's always been obsessed with leaving a supposed inheritance and assumes that myself and my siblings care about it with the same vehemence, so I think in his eyes remarrying is the ultimate revenge as he'll probably leave it to her. She's a spiteful, shallow person herself but he's still just using her. I don't know if she realises or if she thinks she has the upper hand but either way it's toxic. Anyway, I just don't care about his money and never have. All I've ever wanted (particularly with him being my only surviving parent) is to have a father who genuinely loves me and wants to know me for me rather than as an object. It makes me so sad that this is what drives him and I'm really in self pity mode at the moment.  Why could he never just want to know me without the guilt, humiliation and power plays?

I also know that this wedding, rather than being a genuine show of love and commitment, is the ultimate way for him to rally flying monkeys together in an attempt to put me in my place. I acknowledge how self-absorbed I sound saying that, but I know it to be true because I know him and what drives him. It's no coincidence that the proposal took place after 4 months of not talking. He gets a huge thrill out of playing the victim and having all attention on him. It's a method of forcing contact from me and puts me between a rock and a hard place: attend and be humiliated, which is his favourite method of torture and control, or don't attend and be the 'bad' daughter. Either way I'm 'bad' and being punished so there's no question of what I'm going to do as I 100% refuse to put myself through that. Underneath my instinct to protect myself though there's such an empty sadness that he plays sick games like this rather than wanting an adult relationship. I think I'm mourning what I've never had/will never have.

Ugh, I had an instant panic response when opening the invitation. My hands were shaking, my heart was racing and I pulled a muscle in my stomach because I tensed up so much. My IBS has flared up for the first time in months and it's painful. I'm so tired and feel very tearful. My own father has this effect on me just by sending me cards! No contact is the best option for me but it does really hurt. Sorry for such a self-indulgent rant, just feeling alone at the moment and felt like I needed to get this all out somewhere in a safe place!

[Three Roses]

I don't think its self-indulgent at all! Where better to express your feelings to people who will understand. Unless you've loved/lived with a N you can't possibly understand the mind * you get from them. I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but here's to your health. 

[Blueberry]

No not self-indulgent! That's part of what the board is here for!

I post often and long because it helps me sort through what's been going on. Often by the end of the post I'm much clearer about it in a way I wouldn't be if I just wrote it down on paper somewhere.

It also seems as if you've maybe expressed some of your emotions a bit on here, which it's generally good to do. Lightens the load.  Keep sharing.

[Rainydaze]

Thank you both.  I think the invitation triggered a few days of emotional flashback and I've been feeling powerless like a small child. It prompted me to start longing for a loving father again which is just never going to happen. I'm going to continue journalling my way through it and refocus on exactly why I went no contact. 

[Blueberry]

Focussing on why we went NC is good!   

Because it's not something we did on a whim. We thought about it in advance and didn't take the decision lightly. Well, Idk of anybody who took it lightly.

I long for FOO members sometimes too, but functioning better than they do. Will never happen, but I know the pain with that. 

[Rainydaze]

It is really tough and I always hope that people on the outside at least consider that it's something I haven't taken lightly. I didn't halt contact because I was angry or wanted to teach NF a lesson (which I think can often be assumed by those who don't understand), I did it and continue to keep to it because mentally I was not coping with the passive-aggressive 'relationship' (if you can call it that) and wanted to give myself a chance at feeling better physically and emotionally. I felt like if I allowed myself to continue being subjected to mind games and veiled criticisms then I would never learn to love myself, because if he's allowed to treat me that way then how can I really ask other people not to treat me like that?

There is a lot of pain, thanks for understanding Blueberry.