Early morning waking

[Rainagain]

3rd night in a row, this happens when anxiety levels get very high.

The initial insomnia is standard, the EMW fluctuates.

Just reread my 40 + page psych report, its sort of helpful right now to remember how badly affected I am and how bad my history is.

Just ride it out, the anxiety levels off eventually, possibly once I am too exhausted to carry on fretting, not sure.

[Kat]

I'm so sorry about the sleep disruptions.  It's awful.  I'm glad you've got the psych report to help you remember/know that it was really bad so that you can maybe give yourself a break. 

What you said about the anxiety leveling off possibly once you're too exhausted made me think of my somatic therapist and what she's explained to me.  Our nervous systems are meant to go through cycles of being up (being active, moving, doing, etc.) and being down (resting, sleeping, etc.).  For many of us with CPTSD, those cycles are all screwy.  My SE therapist said it's much like pushing down on the accelerator and brake at the same time.  The body is not sure what to do.  She explained that we often don't have the ability to come down from the upswing.  So, think of a baby who is hungry.  It is in the "up" mode.  If it's fed, blood moves toward the stomach to help out digestion, and the baby goes into a period of rest having been satiated.  But, if the baby isn't fed, it will cry and cry and cry and cry until it finally collapses into sleep from all of the crying.  I imagine that's sort of what you experience--the anxiety is there and there and there and finally it's too much and you collapse. 

I guess I don't really have much of a point.  I just want you to know I get it and know how awful insomnia and early morning waking is.  I hope you find good, pure rest soon.

[Rainagain]

Thanks kat,

I know why I'm stressed at the moment and I know that the EMW occurs for me when things are getting bad.

So, its rough but I sort of know why its happening, which is some help to me I guess.

No wonder I try to isolate myself, its always caused by other people.

Having been on here a while now I see that all my symptoms do actually make sense when viewed through the lens of cptsd, and I have the psych report to explain why I have cptsd, and that I have cptsd.

So, when caught up in the bad effects of cptsd I have a story which makes sense, even when the symptoms are unreasonable and acute and hard to bear.

A straw to grasp when I'm drowning in the middle of the night.

[ah]

Oh, those early morning hours... when anxiety, self hatred and hopelessness hit you at full force and you feel you're drowning in them, that's exactly what it feels like to me. I call them my "3 AM terrors". It's awful. Awful beyond words. I hear you.

My body goes through cycles. It gets into a loop of sleepless nights and then it tires itself out enough to get some sleep... just like Kat said, my body just crashes. Till it all starts again.

Before I knew about cptsd I had no idea it wasn't how everyone felt. 

You're on my mind. I'm sorry you have to go through these early morning moments too. I know how harsh they can be. Raw fight/flight on full throttle, with no distractions to stop it. Sometimes I find turning on the light (and leaving it on) temporarily helps. And noise, too. I open the window and leave the light on, even I can't find the strength to do anything else.

[Blueberry]

I find leaving the light on when I fall asleep helps me sleep. It's weird. Turn the light off and I'm wide awake, can't sleep at all.  But I'm not having night terrors like either of you.

I'm glad the psych report is proving validating for you, mine always did too. Reading helps me go to sleep, and I just leave the light on.

[Rainagain]

Thank you so much for your replies.

Really helps to know others have the same thing too.

It was easier last night, I think my amygdala can only keep high alert going for 3 nights in a row, then it has exhausted itself (and me).