EMotional Flashback

[sigiriuk]

The part of me writing this, has a story to tell. A story of agony, confusion, and betrayal. The word Trauma does not begin to capture my experiences.

My being, was replaced by a life of pain, and I felt this to be an awful ugliness. My other parts were afraid of me. (Other parts: The professional me, the musical me, the father me, the husband me.)

Because I identified myself as sub-human, I did not see that I was worth befriending. My other parts used to run from me, and were ashamed of me.

But today, the other parts want to be friends with me. They bear witness to my feelings of wanting to be dead. They support me when I have feelings of wanting to be a reminder (ie like a statue), of what human cruelty can be.

My other parts stay with me and support me and can hear me say that a sexual relationship is something I cannot experience. 

They listen and do not wince when I confess that Sex is the most painful, ugly experiences i have ever had. It was not pleasurable and most certainly not a relationship. It was the ugliest devil-tainted filth that i was subjected to. Sex is something that was done to me.

My other parts love me even though I say that I will never heal from that. They love me as even though I am irrational, misguided, broken, damaged creature, that does not feel worthy of being healed, and is anyway too frightened of healing as it might show me the extent of my damage.

And how damaged and frightened of a sexual relationship, which is the most natural thing in the world

This is my emotional flashback

Slim

[Three Roses]

(To the part that wrote this -) These are profound insights. I am at a loss for words but I want you to know I support you in your healing. You are worthy of healing. You were changed by what was done to you. I understand and empathize that healing itself is intimidating and scary. Like digging in a minefield.

In IFS therapy, some parts who have taken on jobs for the Self, that no longer serve the Self's best interest, can be offered new jobs of their own choosing.

If I may use the word, I'm praying for your release from this oppression and the false definition you've taken on as a result. ♥️

[sigiriuk]

Yes Three Roses
You gave me the tip about IFS, and it has helped me accept and appreciate the different parts of me, and not to ignore or marginalize them.
With time the degraded, humiliated part of me will grow.
And "Praying" is fine by me

Slim

[Three Roses]

With time the degraded, humiliated part of me will grow.

[Not Alone]

I am glad your other Parts are hearing you and supporting you. I hear you that sex means pain and ugly experiences. You were deeply wounded.

[sigiriuk]

Yes, notalone.
It is a raw wound that is very sensitive to physical and emotional intimacy. But the rest of me is looking after that part now. Helping it to feel like it belongs. Reassuring that part, making it feel worthy, and explaining that it does not need a role or function, to be part of this human being. There is no shame in not having a role.