Social occasions trigger me, and even the thought of it triggers me

[Hope67]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share the fact that I've always had difficulty with 'social occasions/events' - I've opted out of many of them, and I know that they trigger me - I think there are emotional flashbacks connected to this fear - but it is even strong enough to generalise to 'online' social places - e.g. whilst I will go and 'read' the Porch area entries, and I'll feel very emotional whilst reading those, I've not actually 'gone there' myself - i.e. not written anything there - I have noticed this, and wondered about it, because I think it is a very exaggerated fear of 'attending' social events to be like that.

I 'can' do it - i.e. go to something social, but I haven't done so for quite a long time.  I much prefer meeting friends on a one-to-one basis, and even then, I know that I'm often dissociated for the first half an hour or so of sitting down with them, and it's only about half an hour into the conversation that I can then 'relax' and be more 'in tune' and 'present' in the interaction.  So it's noticeable for me.

Thankfully I'm not a 'hermit' - and I do get out and go and do things - like shopping, and other things I need to do.  I managed to work a full-time very demanding job for a long time - but I've not been working now for a while.  I used to avoid social occasions at work - preferring to just do the day to day work - and avoid the social side.

I just wanted to talk about that, more openly in here.  Thanks for reading.  I think I'm feeling braver to put out some of my vulnerabilities.  Rather than my 'coping face' that I might portray otherwise.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing, hope.  pretty brave of you.  personally, i think, even here, that your comfort level is your own, it's personal, individual, and can vary.  no judgments here.  it's important to do what works for you, what feels best for you.  you took this step today, which is a biggie.  well done.  sounds like progress to me.

the porch will always be there, to join in by posting, in your mind only, or to give it a miss.  it's only and always up to you.  we're still glad you're here, no matter what.   no pressure.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

 

It's a magical place where there are only healthy interactions or solitude. People can come just sit in companionable silence and everyone is welcome.

[Libby183]

Hi Hope.

I get you completely. Socialising is a huge trigger for me. My nm loved all sorts of family occasions despite being socially anxious herself.  I have realised that she used me to relieve her anxiety by having me hover around her, do a lot of the talking and generally back her up and boost her ego.  Afterwards, she would generally mock me for my supposed inappropriate behaviour and comments.  She could feel better about herself then. Things I did or said would be dredged up time and again, and to this day,  I can't see that any of these things were out of the ordinary.  But I still feel so ashamed.

Consequently,  I avoid all socialising with anyone other than my FOC.  I can do it though,  and last year I found myself in a foreign city, in a restaurant with my dd and three academics she was there to work with.  We had a lovely evening and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  No flashbacks or bad associations. Again,  I am left feeling that I don't know who or what I am. Could I have been sociable if my nm hadn't used me for her own ends? Am I as introverted as I feel, despite being just like you,  Hope,  able to put on a very good "coping face". 

Thank you for the warmth and sense of connection which I always feel when I read your posts.

Libby.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Three Roses - I felt very emotional reading your replies - somehow talking about receiving 'healthy interactions' and positive things in the Porch fills me with emotion that fills my throat up - makes me very tearful to think of it.  I think that's why I can 'go there' virtually - and occasionally read what people say there, but somehow I can't 'be there' in terms of making my presence 'known'.  It's a weird thing.  I think I'll need to 'look at it' to see what layers are beneath that response, and why it holds so many emotions for me.  But I feel as if a 'young' part of me feels upset in response to it. 

Hi Libby,
I was very touched emotionally by you mentioning the 'warmth and sense of connection' that you feel when you read my posts.  I feel the same thing when I read yours.  Thank you for your reply - and for sharing your thoughts and experiences regarding 'socialising' - awful that your NM would generally mock you for your comments - that is horrible.  To make herself feel better.  I am so sorry that you are carrying feelings of being ashamed about that, and I so wish we could change those things - such an impact to pass on.  Not right.

My own NM wasn't able to relate to anyone from what I can see - except her enabling husband (my F) and her control over me.  She didn't appear to have any friends at all - noone visited our house - we had a 10 foot wall around one house that we lived in, so that neighbours couldn't see any of us.  They were private and a nuclear family who didn't want anyone seeing anything. 

All my friendships were curtailed in various ways - by my being moved from schools to another, or from geographical places - changes made at key times in my life - when I would have liked to maintain friendships.  No choice in the matter. 

I was expected to lie about things - keep up the pretence of a 'happy family' when I was far from happy.

Libby - sorry - I've ended up saying that - I'm tempted to 'scrub it out' but I think I'll leave it there.

Going back to what you said - I thought that it was great that you had that nice meal in the restaurant with your dd and those colleagues she was meeting - does 'dd' mean 'dear daughter'?  I think so.   

Yes, I know what you mean about having a good 'coping face' - I sometimes feel I've been like an 'actress' in putting on a 'good face' - but I can imagine that if we were allowed to be 'ourselves' - then we could emerge like butterflies and spread our wings. 

As I write this, my inner critic says things like 'What, are you mad? What are you writing this stuff for?" - I have to get it to shut up - I am ignoring it. 

Libby - thanks for your reply, and I really value what you shared here.  Thank you so much. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i often tear up at loving, caring, kind emotions shown, even in tv shows or commercials.  i've teared up more than once at responses i've gotten from you and the others.

for me, i think it's part of an everlasting grieving process - there has been so little of that kind of stuff in my life and now i get it here or from my d and it's hard to take.  i start crying, can't speak - it's an awful feeling, like i want to push it away cuz it feels overwhelming and too strange to be told such wonderful things.

it was always much easier to deal with the put-downs, criticisms, denials of my 'good' qualities, no matter from who or what capacity of mine they were speaking of.   i've had a lot more practice at that.  sometimes the compliments still bounce off me as if i have an invisible shield up, like i just can't take them in.

anyway, i give you a lot of credit for posting this, putting yourself out there, and allowing us to let you know how valuable you are to us.  if/when you're ever ready  . . .   it's ok.  big hug to you, sweetie.

[Rainydaze]

Hope, I'm very much the same when it comes to social occasions.  I find it all very draining. Much of the time I'm tired and not feeling my best so I have to fake all the social stuff to cope, then after a couple of hours the muscles in my cheeks are strained from all the smiling and I'd far rather be curled up with a book and a cup of tea on the sofa snuggled next to my little dog.

If I'm very well rested and haven't had an emotional flashback for a while then it's far easier and I can even sometimes enjoy myself. I'm always quieter than everyone else though and then I worry that people think I'm snotty and don't like them, which just isn't the case. The office Christmas party with all the loud banter and the stress of Secret Santa is just my worst nightmare and I struggle through it when really I probably shouldn't bother as it's not doing me any good.

I think we just have to be fairly kind to ourselves when it comes to this and know our limits. Have you ever come across Susan Cain and the Quiet Revolution? Her work is really validating and has made me feel far less alone in my introversion. Her website is here if you're interested. https://www.quietrev.com/ The articles are really good.  You're not alone, Hope. 

[DecimalRocket]

I have a problem with socializing too, Hope. CPTSD, Aspergers and raging teenage hormones are not exactly perfect combinations for social confidence. I have a childlike curiosity that's amusingly nerdy and a well intentioned social clumsiness that both comes off as incredibly endearing to most people, but I still tend to get too nervous sometimes.

I've been trying to stop caring about what other people think for years, and I'm still trying to get rid of it. Too many memories when my social life was much worse - filled with abusers and bullies from other people my age and adults.

CPTSD affects how much we see relationships so much because how other people treated us affect our thoughts and feelings on how we deserved to be loved, and how others would care about us. So it's alright if you need to take it slow, Hope. We all do. I've seen too many of us who don't believe they deserve kindness, and so do I. But I believe you do.

Take care. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Blues_Cruise & Decimal Rocket,
Thank you all for your replies, and I have only just spotted them and read them.  It is so validating to read your replies and how you each empathise  to you all. 
Blues-Cruise -  I shall look at the Quiet Revolution information by Susan Cain, thank you very much. 
I'd like to say more about what you each said, but I am going to stop for now - as I don't want to trigger myself too much just now - as I have a few things I need to do today - and I have just noticed the time on the clock.  Why does the clock chase us sometimes...

Hope 

[Resca]

Hey Hope.

The description of your childhood home and relationships in your second post really resonated with me. We didn't have a physical 10-ft wall but there was certainly a psychic one, and the pressure to keep up the pretense of a "happy family" - as you so aptly phrased it - was strong. Talking to neighbors, attending family parties, even socializing after musical performances in middle school; my NM was always there pushing the loving nuclear family agenda, often on those adult figures who I might otherwise turn to for help. I think it's a coping mechanism that we inherit, that "mask."

I wonder if some of the social anxiety that comes along with CPTSD stems from knowing that social interactions tend to bring out the mask even when we know it's ineffectual and that we don't like it. As you stated, it can take time to relax into an interaction even for you, who is aware of the nasty effects of CPTSD and genuinely wants to enjoy your friendships. It's like when you know you're about to walk out into the freezing cold and you walk just a little slower as you approach the door; tense up as you open it; pause and brace yourself; all before the cold even hits. We know the mask is coming; that it's almost impossible to comfortably avoid; and so we react in advance.

All that said, I have to believe that just knowing the mechanics of how the anxiety arises means we can do something about it. Can't say I know for sure what that something is, but...hey, we're all trying to figure it out, right?

I hope that the rest of your day is bright and stress-free. And I look forward to discussing this more with you and others when you're ready. :heart:

[Cookido]

I feel a lot the same as you Hope63 when it comes to socializing. I do meet friends and family, not really because I want to but because I should and if I don't meet people, I will feel bad about being alone. Very back and forth!

I do better socializing via the internet. I enjoy it even. I think it might have to do with the lack of stimuli. I only have to focus on what is being said in text and an occasional emoji, where I can express feelings without having to fake a facial expression or laughter. Does that make sense?

[Hope67]

Hi Resca,
Thank you so much for what you said, and it's so helpful to hear other people's experiences and how you relate to mine - thank you.  It really helps, especially in terms of not feeling so 'alone' with it.   I'd like to say more, but today I feel less 'verbal' if that makes sense, but I just wanted to thank you.   

Hi Cookido,
I think it's great that you are doing better at socialising via the internet - and that you enjoy it.  I think there is that distance between appreciating what's been said in a text or e-mail, and then being able to reply at a pace that feels ok - and at least with an 'internet' experience there's not need for a "mask" - going back to what Resca mentioned in her reply - both your replies make such sense to me, and I am grateful to you both for sharing your thoughts and your experiences.

I am learning more every day - and I am experiencing more too - I think these things are positive, and they are the way out of the harnessing effects - but it's a 'work in progress' - I think.

Cookido, when you said you can 'express feelings without having to fake a facial expression or laughter' - that makes sense to me. 

Hope