What type of abuse is this? Physical, neglect, or?

[marycontrary]

When I was a little kid, my father used to work me in the family landscape business in the hot Texas sun, going off to drink or "whatever", leaving me with no food or water. Most of the time I was mowing, too small to pull the cord to start the mower. In 7th grade, I suffered from heat related seizures where my hands and feet would curl up. My parents told the people in the ER that it was PE in middle school--it was from being the the August son, doing labor men for grown men.

When I was 5-9, I would get up every morning to do farm work before school wile my parents went off. Often this was is ice and school (this was in the Ozarks). I was made to walk a mile to the bus stop, again many times in deep ice and snow. I was left alone after school many times from ages 5-big kid. Many times, at ages 5-9, I made my own lunches---many times there was nothing. Many times, my mom would not give me lunch money, or acted like it would break her. Many times, I had no clothes that fit.

Also, apparently, I accidentally ingested valium at 3, large quantities of beer at 4, smoke a pot pipe at 4 or 5.

But hey there were loads of books in the house...so I wasn't not well educated.

What type of abuse is this?

[flookadelic]

Abuse that ticks more than one box...they don't call it complex ptsd for nowt. Physical, emotional, mental for starters. As we say in the UK "sod that for a game of soldiers" meaning "bugger that for a way of doing things". My * was more religious based. Getting rumbled cross dressing at 12 unleashed * in the name of nice Mr Jesus. Ah well.

[schrödinger's cat]

I'd agree. It seems to tick a looot of boxes. I did some very shallow and quick research, because I realized that I don't actually know how many types of abuse there are. This is what turned up. (I omitted a few things that didn't seem to apply, such as sexual abuse, and I abbreviated the source text.) Everything that I recognized from what you told of your childhood is in bold text, mainly because your story made me angry on your behalf.

Child = anyone under 18

TYPES OF ABUSE

Physical Abuse: any physical injury inflicted other than by accidental means, [...] or a child's condition which is the result of maltreatment such as malnutrition, deprivation of necessities or cruel punishment.

Emotional Abuse or Maltreatment: the result of cruel or unconscionable acts and/or statements made, threatened to be made, or allowed to be made by the person responsible for the child's care that have a direct effect on the child. Examples:
- repeated negative acts or statements directed at the child
- exposure to repeated violent, brutal, or intimidating acts or statements among members of the household
- cruel or unusual actions used in the attempt to gain submission, enforce maximum control, or to modify the child's behavior
- rejection of the child.

NEGLECT: the failure, whether intentional or not, of the person responsible for the child's care to provide and maintain adequate food, clothing, medical care, supervision, and/or education. A child may be found neglected who:
-has been abandoned
-is being denied proper care and attention physically, educationally, emotionally, or morally
-is being permitted to live under conditions, circumstances or associations injurious to his well-being
-is being abused.

TYPES OF NEGLECT

Physical Neglect:
-the failure to provide adequate food, shelter, and clothing appropriate to the climatic and environmental conditions [I'd say that applies - it was blistering hot and you weren't given shelter]
-the failure to provide, whether intentional or otherwise, supervision or a reliable person(s) to provide child care [...if valium, alcohol and drugs were just lying around and you were unsupervised enough so you could accidentally ingest them, that does sound like a failure to provide reliable supervision and child care]
- leaving a child alone for an excessive period of time given the child's age and cognitive abilities
- holding the child responsible for the care of siblings or others where beyond the child's ability
- the person responsible for the child's care displays erratic or impaired behavior
- the person responsible for the child's care is unable to consistently perform the minimum of child-caring tasks

Medical Neglect: the refusal or failure on the part of the person responsible for the child's care to seek, obtain, and/or maintain those services for necessary medical, dental, or mental health care [...]

Educational Neglect: occurs when, by reason of the actions or inaction on the part of the person responsible for the child's care, a child age seven (7) years old through fifteen (15) years old either:
is not registered in school; or is not allowed to attend school. [Wow. Have we found the one type of abuse you didn't experience?]

Emotional and Moral Neglect: the denial of proper care and attention to  the child, emotionally and/or morally, by the person responsible for the child's care that may result in the child's maladaptive functioning.

Harmful behaviors by the person responsible include, but are not limited to, the following:
- encouraging the child to steal or engage in other illegal activities
- encouraging the child to use drugs and/or alcohol
- recognizing the child's need but failing to provide the child with emotional nurturance
- having inappropriate expectations of the child given the child's developmental level.

CIRCUMSTANCES INJURIOUS

In Danger of Abuse:
- actions or statements conveying threats of physical or mental injury
- a real threat to the child's well-being as perceived by the child
- the person responsible for the child's care exposing the child to dangerous and/or violent situations.

So like I said, I've no idea how valid or complete this list is, and this is just ONE source text and I'm no expert. But like flook says - boy, do your parents ever tick the boxes. I'm sad that this happened to you.

[marycontrary]

Oh God...this is a come to Jesus moment. There is so much more...much more. Extreme alcohol and drug abuse, denial of medical care many times, raging, screaming and verbal abuse,  parentification, emotional incest, stealing money from me MANY times, not giving a sh** about my higher education, mom leaving me with dad at 5 when he had a very dangerous psychotic breakdown. Dad's  drunk friends feeling me up, inappropriate talks about sex when he was drunk...thank GOD it didn't go further.
And of course...everything is my fault.

And this was under the age of 18. God almighty.  No wonder I can't stay at the same residence for more than a few months at a time...

Thanks again....thanks for being here as my narrative becomes cohesive.... 

[schrödinger's cat]

You're welcome. I hope it wasn't too overwhelming. I'm shocked that the things I thought didn't apply seem to apply after all... there was something about having the child witness violence within the family, for example. You're right, no wonder you're suffering. No bloody wonder.

[marycontrary]

You are such a sweetheart. It is much, much appreciated. This is a cohesive narrative. When it transforms from fragment to a whole narrative, this is when real healing takes place. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks.    I wish you all the best.

[flookadelic]

Please excuse the lingo Mary Contrary, but bloody *. That is one massive raft of overlapping trauma. That you are still here, unravelling the complexities, seeking also to encourage others in the same, aspiring and working to better things is a HUGE testament to your strength and courage. To be even a minor part in your ongoing work is a compliment and a privilege. I read through those experiences and see in you the same twisted, pained, awful thoughts and feelings of cptsd as I experience in myself. All I can say is that once the compass is set, once the terrain is mapped out and techniques chosen...it gets better. It doesn't have to stay the same howling, wounded mess. I am British and not terribly prone to hugs and all that but by God, have one on me my dear, dear froot!

[marycontrary]

Brit huh? I gentlemen I am breaking up with is an East Londoner....you know, a grown up hooligan. I am happy to say that I know the English culture, the deeper stuff, and the vastly different ways our cultures communicate. For instance, the English males I have known do not seem to communicate needs directly, something that a lot of North Americans might miss if they didn't pay attention. 

Again, I do thank you. It is a really strange feeling, the tabula rasa thing. A lot of Gringos have mental breakdowns coming to Latin cultures, different language and very different culture. I have had none of that. Zero. In fact, the quality of life hugely improved. I have a lot of friends--they are not fully aware of this side, though I have told them. I have a little business that allows me to be portable. I have other more distant family members who are very kind people. I am very resourceful. I have managed a little savings. A lot of good things going on, just a profound lack of stability. Really, thanks again.

[flookadelic]

Oh dear, a hooligan Brit. They do let the side down so much. I have friends in the East End and not one of them are at all like that, I'm relieved to say.

Yes, there is a massive cultural gap that can make for a minefield for the unwitting Brit or American. We are far too good at being subtle. There are times when only the trained eye or ear can spot the real conversation amidst all the stock phrases. And as far as emotional communication goes, well...the joke is, that a young English lad in the throes of passion might just declare "I really don't object to you, you know."

A hilarious example of Brit culture comes from a woman who, though a trained anthropologist, ended up working in advertising. She found herself giving a working brief to a small collective of racecourse owners who decided to club together against the big boys of the business. She told them that they had to ramp up their good points whilst pointing out the oppositions bad points. There was a moments silence. Then one of the group said "isn't that boasting?" - at which everyone shifted uneasily in their seats. British advertising, where boasting is a big turn off. George Mikes, a Bulgarian, wrote of his ideal British advert. "Bumpex fruit juice. Most people detest it, but you might be the exception!"

Anyways, this hasn't been so much a digression as a magical mystery tour. My apologies.

I think we learn to be highly adaptive in order to survive and keep the risk to a minimum during our excuse of a childhood. This adaptation serves us well when we do run into other cultures, other ways of thinking. I used to joke, and I still half mean it, that my egg not done properly in the morning could be the harbringer of death and destruction, but I'd scarce raise an eyebrow at a UFO hanging over the High Street. In fact I'd take the opportunity to pop into a cafe for a quiet coffee whilst everyone would gawp outside.

This adaptability, I think, could be related to hypervigilance. By reading the perpetrators moods, words, gestures so intensely - the hypervigilance part - and adapting our behaviour accordingly...

I really have to be careful about groups I'm in. Even complete strangers. I can read the signals, feel the underlying content of the atmosphere...well. Hypervigilance, eh? At least it has an upside. Darwin never coined the phrase "survival of the fittest" - his criteria for evolutionary success was adaptability, not brute force.

[marycontrary]

Well Flook, I can certainly identify with adapting. I can certainly do that. We are in a terrible financial crisis, and a LOT of people will be left destitute. A lot of middle aged corporate men will drink themselves to death, or oft themselves. This happen exactly during the fall of the Soviet Union. The average live length, in just a few years, fell from 72 to 58. People just could not handle it. Ego killed them.

I have seen this coming for 14 years, so it is really not a big deal for me. I grew up without running water in a developing part of Arkansas in the 80s, so it is not that big of deal to adjust, emigrate, cut back, and live like the poor folks in northern coastal peru.

I have zero attachment to status, possessions, etc. It just does not matter. In fact, these things can be a terrible burden at the wrong times.

The middle and wealthy classes seem to me to be so insecure,,,,,fragile ego, not a developed sense of self. If I get around typical gaggle of professors, I smelly the BS and narcissism from a mile away. I have zero in common with these people, and I am not but a source of narcissistic injury to them.

Care too much with making an impression on other idiots. 

Of course, being in dire poverty is terribly traumatic, but working class, lower middle class income would probably do a lot of middle class and upper class people a world of good. It really is not that big of deal, as long as you are not living in terrible deprivation, like in famine or war.








   

[Annegirl]

For what you endured, mary contrary, horrible treatment,  concentration camp like work.
You have/ are doing amazingly well. Youre still here and fighting. And have acheived a tremendous amount.
     

[flookadelic]

Absolutely, adaptation is one of life's great strengths, as long as we choose what to adapt to wisely. As Doris Lessing once wrote "The human being may be alone in all the life forms of the galaxy to be found under some corrugated iron, in a bombed out city, frying a rat and thinking "well, this isn't so bad after all..."

[marycontrary]

Flook, you are one awesome person....thanks for being here.