EF = Power and submission

[Shankara]

Hello humans,

if someone can relate to this, I would be glad to receive some insights

Power and submission has been an issue for me all these years. People who have experienced helplessness, powerlesness over a long period of time definitely know what I mean.

These emotional eruptions logically  derive from violence and sexual abuse.

When I interact with people and I scan the slightest hint of ( mostly my own interpretation) Dominance, aggression etc (the trigger) I get this extremely strong impulse to rise high. Which means I must  either dominate that person/ oppress him/ her. This part is not allowing me to give in. I have to win, I must show my power. If not I have become weak.

This is a certain state that gets activated through trigger and the internalization of the abuser.

Anyone experiencing something similar?
Thanks

[Cookido]

I think your subject is very interessting and important to bring up. I used to experience something similair until I realised where thouse feelings came from.

I can't really give you any examples because I find it difficult to express myself about it. That's also why I think it's good that you are bringing up the subject. But being aware of your own behavior and realising where it comes from is coming a long way in being able to manage triggers.

An example I can give is that I used to get triggered by shy people. It was something similair to what you said about an impulse to oppress. I've been able to understand more about my feelings and now I behave in a way I feel more comfortble with.

[Gromit]

I think I have the opposite.
It is interesting that Cookido was triggered by shy people, that is what I have been described as and it may explain why I become submissive in relationships. I let other people make the decisions, lead the way, at least where I am unsure of myself. I revealed this in T last week.

It is strange, I can be strong, I can do what no one else wants to do but, put another person in the room and I will do what they want, leaving what I want to do until I am alone again. I also feel unable to persuade other people to do what I want, I am not forceful, it is easier to do things alone than persuade someone to do them with me.

Whether this is just my stuff or the other person's stuff too is interesting and hard to figure out.

[sanmagic7]

more so in the past than present, i was the one who was the 'leader', the doer, the active one, the one who determined the plan, etc.  usually, i wasn't challenged, but when i was, i would immediately back down and become more of an observer.  i've found more of a balance now in that i can observe a situation a bit more carefully, pick and choose how i want to be, what my place is in the situation, etc.  it's not quite such an automatic 'being' one way or the other.

i'd been taught to take action, so i did it readily, but it was more of a facade than anything.  eventually i'd hear about people being intimidated by me, and i was completely shocked cuz i felt like i was a total softie and how could anyone think i'd hurt someone?  i didn't like the feeling of being intimidating, but i guess i came off that way.

an interesting phenomenon, a fascinating dynamic, different responses for people who's backgrounds and/or perspectives are different.  human beings are wonderfully diverse.

[Deep Blue]

I have a similar experience if I feel that others are being taken advantage of or are being dominated.  I witnessed some students being mean to another with special needs.  You better believe I took action.  That need to protect others rises within me.  My T says it's because I used to just "take it."  I secretly wished someone would help me... step in... but that it never happened.  So now I find myself compelled to protect others.

[Three Roses]

I have a similar reaction to people who act in a superior or controlling way. I don't want to dominate or oppress, I don't think, but I definitely feel some kind of need to assert myself. This is what Pete Walker called the "fight" reaction, one of  of the 4Fs you may see us referring to. Here's more: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

I have finally gotten to the point I recognize this reaction, and can distance myself when I'm feeling confrontational. I guess now I just need to learn how to feel the irritation, stay with it and not let it control me.

[Gromit]

i'd been taught to take action, so i did it readily, but it was more of a facade than anything.  eventually i'd hear about people being intimidated by me, and i was completely shocked cuz i felt like i was a total softie and how could anyone think i'd hurt someone?  i didn't like the feeling of being intimidating, but i guess i came off that way.

Yes, I was like this with the 1st person I lived with post FOO, I became my scary mother with him, he was very passive, had a drink problem, had grown up with a similar dynamic to me. We fell into roles of stern adult & submissive child. It was awful, to realise I was scary. But I think we do live out what we learn until we realise & learn another way.

My 'fight' response is there but it is not my dominant response & I am not sure how to get it to work in constructive ways. It rises within me when there is injustice.

[Cookido]

Potential triggers.

Gromit, I think my "fear" of shy people was because I saw myself in them. Due to bullying I stopped talking for years. I only spoke to family members who taught be things about weakness and power that was all wrong.

Everyone told me I was shy. When in reality, I was depressed, suicidal and didn't even view myself as a person anymore. After I changed school I decided to not be "weak" and be what I had been taught as powerful. So when I met shy people I saw myself in them. And the thing I find so difficult today is instead of feeling empathy for them I felt contempt. I took my oppressors role, because that's how I had learned to react towards shy people, and how I had been treated by others. I didn't understand it myself until much later.

Now I swung back to being submissive. Struggeling with that balance.

[Shankara]

Thank you so much for all your replies!!!

@ Cookido,
I think being able to truly realize  ( just like you say) from where these emotions are coming from is a major progress.
Glad, you have found a way to deal with situations in a good way.

@Gromit

I think I understand what you mean... what comes into my mind is the dynamic which takes place when attachment is an issue. We repeat those emotional patterns to avoid abandonment, punishment  and guilt. Even after decades we (Not wanting to generalize too much) might not be able to distinguish between then and now. Not sure if this makes sense....

@Sanmagic7

  this is something I would like to train myself. Take a step back and observe, rather than " reacting", without taking time the time to analyze the situation and seeing the consequences of my actions. Thanks.

Yes human beings are diverse, multifaceted.. ( mostly ;-) )

@Deepblue,

Thats a noble characteristic...not many are aware of it....

@three Roses

Thanks. I think learning to become assertive is the key. How Do we guard our boundaries? How Do we act respectfully towards ourselves and others! Yes!

[Shankara]

@Cookido...

Its a struggle...yes.... I am still trying to dissect those aspects in my own self. Dismantling, trying very hardly to take over new perspectives, to truly view it through different angles.

To comprehend on a deeper level that its not a black and white state of being. Me the ruler = Powerful and having control
Me the submissive one= Weak, having No control.

Just like you say, we suck our abusers behaviour we view people, interactions through his/ her eyes. This was very natural to us then, now its about learning again new..

Its hard for me and on some Days. I feel like a very weak human being with No dignitiy no worth and thats hard to be with. It cracks the core...but I am able to paste those pieces back together.

[Blueberry]

on some Days. I feel like a very weak human being with No dignitiy no worth and thats hard to be with. It cracks the core...but I am able to paste those pieces back together.

That sounds like resilience.   

[Shankara]

@Blueberry

Getting there..... Baby steps....
Thanks for encouraging.

Best wishes

[Cookido]

Shankara, it's far away from easy, but then I'm trying to think that we have been through so much and are still standing. That means we are strong. And being strong all the times also means we need to rest, maybe more than others.

Take your time. It is very possible to change and learn new behaviors and experience new ways to cope. It can take some creativity and support. I hope you can update if you reach some progress or new understandings about yourself and your reactions. Personally I think it's "nice" (not sure what word to use, maybe relief or a feeling of not being alone) that I can relate to what you are writing and others have experienced the same thing.