In a constant emotional flashback

[Bluejerrie]

I understand from my therapist and from what I've read, that the first stage of cptsd treatment is safety and stabilisation. The problem for me here is that I never feel safe, because I am in a permanently triggered state. This is due to me having severe emetophobia (fear of vomiting) and I am constantly terrified that my 3 year old will vomit at any time. He has had two stomach bugs recently and this has left me unable to function.

How am I ever going to achieve safety and stabilisation when I am constantly triggered? I am very dissociated and foggy most of the time.  Grounding techniques don't work for me and I have tried yoga and relaxing in the bath and mindfulness, etc. I have been working so hard at this all for three years and cannot seem to get out of this state. I cannot get away from my trigger as he is my dependant son. How am I ever going to get out of this?!

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[Dee]

I don't have any advice but I do want to send you a hug.   

[Blueberry]

I remember asking myself things like "How am I ever going to manage this or that??" while tears poured down my face. Eventually though these questions stopped coming and I stopped feeling so overwhelmed. Idk if this is the answer in your case, but in mine at some point or other the therapy and all my work started to work and I managed to stop being constantly so worried about the future.

Healing takes a long time for many of us here, maybe especially for those of us who were/are in non-trauma-informed care?? But even if you are in trauma-informed care, it still can take a good long while till you start to really notice a difference.

Idk if any of this is helpful for you. If a hug feels safe, here is a    too

[DecimalRocket]

I relate. Earlier in my trauma recovery process, I was triggered all the time. I knew I had depression and anxiety, but not CPTSD. I was constantly anxious from morning until sleep and every single moment seemed to be in chaos. But eventually, I did heal enough to go through much of the day calm, even though flashbacks still strike and exhaust me still.

It takes time. It always does. It's confusing, and terrible, and hurting, and frustrating, and slow, but time passes by to make all the small things add up. I envied people who talked about feeling happy just after a week of mindfulness. It took me years of mindfulness to reach their level it seems, and it payed off.

Maybe we're different yes, so I hope you can take it easy.  too if it's alright.

[Bluejerrie]

Thanks all for your replies and  for you too.

I guess I'm getting frustrated at the slow progress. My therapy is trauma-informed and therapist is amazing at supporting and reassuring me. But in between sessions I find it so difficult to put what I've learnt into practice and the hopelessness I feel is all-consuming. But something keeps me plodding on, so there must be some hope in me somewhere!

[ah]

Hi Bluejerrie,

I think plodding on is a very good method. Sometimes with no enthusiasm, other times with more. But consistent plodding is the key, maybe. Plod on long enough and persistently enough and your body will start to get the message 
It's such a new skill, after years and years of fear. The habit of fear is so strong. We need an alternative to fear before our body can let fear go, and it takes time to develop and strengthen, I bet.

There are daily triggers in my life I can't escape either. I always feel it, it's a matter of how triggered not of whether I'm triggered. I guess the effect it's had on my body is that it's literally always, chronically "on" and very scared.

Still, I'm getting better. I'm sure it would have been easier if I could feel safe, but that isn't in my hands. I do the best I can with what I've got, I plod on. And I've found moments / activities / times when I feel a bit safer. Not 100% safe but also not 100% unsafe either. I do those regularly. Well, I try to make myself do those regularly because my self hatred doesn't want me to but I persist.

If you feel a bit safer than usual with your T that sounds like a good start to me. Realistic, consistent with where you are right now. Can you recall that feeling that you have with your T, in between sessions, hold on to a bit of it when you need it?
And: does distraction help you?

I wish your body was kinder to you. I hope it will slowly find its way back to learning to calm itself down, again and again. Three years is long enough for an EF 
You're not alone.

[JuniperShadow]

I really feel your pain here Bluejerrie.
I also am extremely phobic about vomiting and have young children.

I don't know how safe you feel with medicine, but what helps me has been my rescue meds, both anti-anxiety and anti-emetic if necessary. When one my kids does throw up, as soon as they are safe, I immediately take a rescue and sometimes Dramamine if I start to feel nauseous just by being around them. This usually keeps me from having a full panic attack. My doctor also allows me to keep one or two emergency anti-emetics around in case I do start "emitting" (due to a head injury if I start I can't stop on my own). This gives me confidence that I can get through whatever that night brings without going to the ER.

No idea if that would help you or not, but I definitely feel you.

The good news is that as your child gets older, their ability to handle this will improve, and you will risk less exposure, it will be far less messy, they will be far less panicked, etc. My seven vomited recently and stayed perfectly still until we could get him cleaned up, then snuggled up on the couch and talked about how he would have to miss school and watch TV all day. It does get better.

[Bluejerrie]

Thanks ah for your reply. I really struggle to hold on to the 'safe' feeling in between sessions, and I guess this is something I need to work on. And I need to practice distraction techniques too.

Junipershadow, thank you for your reply. You have given me some hope for dealing with future episodes of sickness. Another of my worries is that I will pass this awful phobia onto my son because I find it so hard to not panic in front of him when 'it' happens. Me and my husband long for another child, but this phobia is stopping that from happening at the moment.

I am taking two different antidepressants as well as a sleeping tablet at night and I do feel that they stop me from becoming suicidal about this phobia.

I'm sorry that you suffer with this too.

[JuniperShadow]

Another of my worries is that I will pass this awful phobia onto my son because I find it so hard to not panic in front of him when 'it' happens.

He is maybe too young to understand yet, but consider keeping an open dialog with him as he ages about how your brain chemistry works differently. My kids know "mom gets scared easy" and "sometimes mommy forgets" and you might be surprised how well they process that stuff. We talk about it like any other disability.

And remember that it is okay and totally natural to panic when someone emits! Every parent has some panic about it. It's unsettling and icky for anyone. I've been in treatment for my phobias and that's one of the things you learn is that phobias usually grow out of a natural reaction. It's okay to be freaked out by that situation because it is freaky. Someone with a phobia goes way out in space with the fear, but the initial reaction is pretty normal.

(You could consider treating the cPTSD and treating the phobia as separate issues and ask your therapist about specific phobia resolution.)

And that thing about never feeling safe? IDK how long you've been with your T, but I know at least for me, those are the words I said to my T on day one. I imagine we all have been there. For me it got better. I was able to change it from "I'm never safe" to "I never feel safe" to "I am often scared" to "I scare easily." But I'm quick to dish out advice. I don't know if that would work for you or not.

Wishing good things for you!